I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest.

[Tammycelli117]

Hi, my name is Tammy. I am new to this site.

On September 8th, my fiance, Ray died suddenly. He had been a heavy drinker and even though he slowed down when we moved in together and had our daughter, the damage he had done to his body was irreversible. He refused to see a doctor and when he finally went to the er after throwing up blood, it was too late. He had an upper GI bleed that they could not stop due to Chronic Liver Disease. He was losing more blood than they could put into him. He coded twice but was brought back. Several procedures were done to try and help him but nothing was working. After the second time his heart stopped, there was no brain activity. He was no longer breathing on his own and his kidneys were failing. Nothing could be done and we were just prolonging his suffering. He was taken off life support and died that afternoon. I have never felt so alone and heartbroken. He was my soul mate, the love of my life. It still doesn't feel real. I can't imagine living without him. My heart also breaks for our 1 almost 2 year old daughter, Rory. I hate that she has to go through this. People keep telling me that she will be fine, she doesn't know whats going on. This isn't true. She is inconsolable at nights. She has been so emotional. The other day her cup fell on the floor and the lid came off and juice spilled everywhere. You would have though the world had ended, she was so upset. She usually is a very happy kid and things like that usually don't bother her. I hate that she has to go through this. It kills me to see her so confused. 

Everyday I wake up and I feel empty. I have this heavy feeling in my chest that refuses to go away. I don't know what to do with myself. I am trying to stay strong for Rory. I'm all she has now and I don't want her to see me upset. I know it will just make things worse for her. 

I feel like I'm in a bad dream that I can't wake up from. It hurts so much. We had such a good relationship. He kept me in check and in a lot of ways, he saved me from myself. I just wish I could have saved him. I just wanted to make him happy enough so he wouldn't have to drink. I know he loved me and our daughter but the hurt and depression that led to his drinking was from his child hood. He would never let me know what happened back then. He kept it hidden deep down inside and refused to talk about it with anyone. He had a lot of demons.

I just keep thinking I should have pushed him harder to go to the doctor. Everyone keeps telling me that I couldn't have made him...he had to want to go on his own, but I can't help but feel guilt. There are so many 'what ifs' that keep running through my head. 

I know it sounds crazy but I still talk to him. I keep thinking there has to be more and that this can't really be it. I am not very religious but I do believe in a higher power and I do believe in life after death. I just keep asking him to give me a sign that he is okay. 

People keep saying it will get easier but it just feels like it's getting worse. I miss him so much. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and find him sleeping next to me. 

 

[ModKonnie]

Tammy,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your soul mate. I am a drug counselor by profession, so when I tell you that you couldn't have changed him, I'm telling you the absolute truth. He was the only person who could change himself. Alcoholism is a terrible disease that affects the very best of people.

 

It's been just a short while since he died, so of course you are still reeling. You've suffered a terrible trauma. Talking to him is okay. Writing him letters is okay. Crying your heart out is okay, too! While things may never be as they were, in time, things will get better. It's just so soon right now. One thing to help you is to keep talking to others about how you feel. Perhaps you could join a grief and loss group or an emotional support group in your local area.

 

No matter what, we will be here for you,

 

ModKonnie

[MissingYu]

I also asked my partner to go see the doctor. Too many "what ifs" that kept on bothering me even until now, 4 months after he passed. Friends and family told me that I cannot change him and force him to see the doctor. He has to do things on his own.  It is his body and that I should not blame myself for what happened to him.  So many "I could have done this. I could have done that" but it will not bring our loved ones back.  I am still in the process of forgiving myself so I can have complete peace. I have trauma from the incident. I am also scheduled to see a counselor this month for the first time. I hope that this will help me.  Do whatever you think can help you and your daughter. Ask help when needed and see a psychiatrist if you have to. Never be alone. Always be with your friends and family and never be ashamed of sharing your feelings to them.  Never be alone during grief. That may helped your grief.