It just keeps getting more real

[Gwenivere5]

I lost my husband of 32 years 10 months ago to cancer after 5 years of being his caregiver. I've heard all the advice about time passing over and over again. The first 3 months were shock and a cake walk compared to now. Even after the shock wore off, there were buffers that seemed to protect me from the total reality of this forever change. I lost them about a month ago I find myself in a world that makes little sense to me and feel I am watching from the outside. I lost my true love, husband and best friend. The void of his loss is too intense for words. People have moved on as they do. The irony is now that I could use them, they often don't understand why I am not 'used to this' loneliness after 'all this time'. Also the only person that could really console me is him. My logical mind is at war with my heart as it also tells me I should be more adapted to this. The heart sees the forever part and is crushed. I have learned over the months how solo a journey this is that no one can relate to unless it has happened to them. Too many well intentioned people try to fix it. Suggestions and advice over and over. I get out every day but coming home is so hard to this place that was our home. So quiet and no one to share experiences with. Or them with me. My counsellor assures me this is all normal, better than feeling I am going insane. But this new normal? I know I will never lose this pain. He was the dynamic half and this house was filled with music and other musicians. I can't even listen to his voice yet. I never deceived myself he was gone, but it is so real now in a different way. I never saw it coming. So, as always on this journey, a new turn in the path that feels the hardest yet.

[sos2015]

I lost my husband one month ago. I can relate with much of what you're feeling. It's hard for people to understand the feelings we hold deep down in our soul. I'm struggling also everyday.

I just decided that maybe I should make a list of all that I'm thankful for and post it on my fridge, as well as all the things my husband would want me to do to bring peace to my heart. I know inside my husband would want to see me smiling.

Right now it's difficult to smile and to even think of doing enjoyable things, but I know he would not want me living my life in sadness. I thought to myself today that if I can somehow do enjoyable things and smile that it's bringing honor to him.

I'm going to try to do things each day to help me. I know I'll continue to have my breakdowns and I know that's necessary for my healing. But overall I know more than anything he would want me to live life and enjoy it. That's a hard concept to grasp right now with my pain and suffering, but I'm going to try a little bit each day to honor him.

[Gwenivere5]

I truly understand what you saying. None of our partners would want us as sad and devastated as we feel. We wouldn't want that for them. Steve and I talked about this many times before he died. I was only able to imagine what this might feel like and it didn't come close. My shock lasted 2 months. I was productive and thankfully settled all legal matters. I was then side tracked by several months of my own health issues which I heard was not uncommon when one has been a caregiver for a very long time. About 2 months ago the reality of his being gone forever hit. I knew he was since day one, but this was different. Like it had finally pierced my heart and soul. No more buffers as I had been living without him and like a light switch, I saw how his leaving took so much with him that was my life. His memory will always be alive in me. I keep his recording studio available to his fellow musicians and had donated most of his clothes to a shelter as he would have wanted them to be used. I haven't figured out how to honor him beyond getting thru each day in hopes that someday I smile more than I cry. When the happy memories truly feel happy instead of heartbreaking.

I do so hope you find things that will bring you some peace and enjoyment in a now new life. That is what we are all facing. I thought something was wrong with me being so blindsided by the grief again, but thank goodness there are places like this to see we all travel a solo path thru this and everything is normal. I also see a grief counsellor who talks me off the ledge now and then. I'm so sorry you are here on because of the reason. I hope being able to share here helps because unless you live this, no one gets how intense it is.