Blaming myself

[Julie.26]

My boyfriend of almost 5 years, on and off, past over about 8 months ago. He was the best thing in my life. He was my best friend. Lately it seems like everyday gets harder and harder. I find myself rethinking his last few days. He bagged me for two days to come get him and I was to busy to get him. I worked third shift then. That morning I was suppose to pick him up when I woke up. My sister came in my room freaking out, asking me what was going on. One of his friends posted on Facebook about him passing away. I tried calling him a million times and texting him. (I still have those texts) I got nothing in return from him. So I messaged his friend and asked what was going on and they said he overdosed. I couldn't believe it. I instantly blamed myself. Thinking if only I would have went and got him, he'd still be here. If I would've done something different, he'd still be alive. I still blame myself to this day. I can't get passed the fact he's actually gone and I wasn't there to help him. I just want to talk to him and him telling me everything is gonna be alright. But that phone call will never happen. Just maybe, if I would have gotten him, he'd still be alive.. I can't stop blaming myself for his death.

[sim-law]

Julie,

You are not to blame for not being there, we never know when these things will happen and it is only afterwards that we have these feelings. I wish that I had been with my beloved at the time but I did not know just how serious was her health. We can only do what seems to be right at the time and we cannot second guess fate. Don't beat yourself up anymore but try to find peace with the world.

Peace and hope

Simon.

[Imaigne]

Hi Julie,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your story is similar to mine. I was house sitting for a friend because I couldn't stand living with my alcoholic husband anymore. I came home one day (Feb.1, 2013) and found him in our living room.

I blame myself too. I should have been there. I should have been more supportive. Even though the coronet said that there was nothing I could have done, I still blame myself.

People say you shouldn't blame yourself. They're right. They say no matter what you might have done differently, It's likely things would have turned out the same way. I struggle because I understand intellectually that it's not my fault, but I still feel responsible. I have a feeling that I always will.

I'm sorry that I can't offer you more than understanding and commiseration. I can tell you that for me it has been easier with time, but it's still difficult.

*hugs*

thinking of you,

Imaigne