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My boyfriend died :(


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I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years, since i was 12 years old, and we even lived together for 2 years so like it felt like he was my husband already, but he died last October because he got sick. the doctors don't even know what he had so I'm really mad about that part because I really would like to know how he died. He was the love of my life. He means so much to me and I've always envisioned a really long and happy future with him. It never really crossed my mind that he could die though, so it was a total surprise. Like idk he had like a stomach bug at first but like he got a lot better after some time so I thought that'd it be OK to leave the house for a little bit, so I did. When I came back there was like a lot of vomit on the bed and he was just there not even moving. Like idk how to explain it but deep down inside I knew he was dead but I didn't want to believe that so I just thought he was sleeping so I tried to wake him up but he didn't wake up and I didn't know what to do and I'm so scared because I'm so lonely without him. We used to do everything together and now I really feel lonely because like when I come home nobody else is there and it's just me and I'm all alone. He was from Germany so we used to go there a lot together, and we were supposed to go this summer but I didn't go because I've never been to Germany without him and I don't think I could do that without him like idk. And then my brain hates my soul because at least once a week I have a dream that he's still alive and everything's normal, and that I was only having nightmares about him dying, and the dreams are so believable and realistic I always think they're real and I'm always so happy and relieved in my dream and like he's still there, but then I wake up and I realize I'm only dreaming again and it's the worst feeling in the world....

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