Lost a Partner to HIV; Sudden Death

[MissingYu]

I was diagnosed with HIV in 2011 and at that time, I was in a 3 year relationship with my partner. I was hospitalized for about a month due to Pneumonia. I told my partner about my condition and I never heard him blame me or say bad things to me. When I went back home, I encouraged him to get tested thinking that he might have it. I thought he got scared to find out and was afraid that the hospital will report him to the immigration and send him back to his country if he tested positive. He refused to get tested and lived with fear until June 2015.

He has been complainting about headache since January 2015. Thinking that it was just a simple headache, I gave him Advil and provided him vitamins and enough fruits. On May 2015, he was rushed to the emergency room for extreme stomach pain. He has poor vision and seeing dots and been complainting alot about his headache. I've also noticed that he was having difficulty talking and that he mumbles at times. He also moves his hands like he was reaching something but nothing was there. I was with him from the day he was rushed to the hospital until the day he passed and got cremated. I saw him died with my own eyes. I never got to say goodbye. I never got to thank him for everything he did for me. He sacrificed his life and lived with me. I will never hear him say I love you and he will never hear me say I love you, too.

I felt devastated and I blamed myself everyday for not pushing him harder to take the test. I have been living in guilt, pain and regret since. I am drowning in overwhelming emotions. My life is different without him. Life has no meaning anymore. Going to work has been a daily struggle. I cry everyday and can't get enough sleep. I thought I should be dead, not him. The only man who loved me unconditionally and accepted me for being me had passed and will never return. I killed him although unintentionally and I could not forgive myself for that. I started questioning my faith, my religion and my God. I kept asking myself where is my love. Is he in heaven looking down on me or is he resting peacefully under the ground? I even thought of ending my life once only to make connection with him again but then I thought about my family that love me so much. I am thankful that I have a supportive family that helps me deal with it.

Online support and articles seem to help me understand what I am going through but I think I may be also suffering from Traumatic Grief. I may need to see a grief counselor to face my fears. I remember a week before he left, he asked me if I'd go with him to his country if he decides to come back. I told him I'd go with him since I have no reason to be here. But now our dreams are gone and I feel so alone. I miss him.

[mydeepestthoughts]

I am so sorry to hear about the tragic events that you're described. Losing someone that we care for in death is a trumatic event. Many times when sad events take place in our lives, it can strain our relationship with God, because we may have the tendency to blame him. A scripture that sheds light on whether God is to Blame is James 1:13 which reads "When under trial, let no one say: “I am being tried by God.” For with evil things God cannot be tried, nor does he himself try anyone."

So God Would never make us suffer, or cause bad things to happen to us, and those that we care for. . So Why do we get sick and die?, Why does God allow suffering?, and what hope is there for our dead loved ones? For the answer to those questions that man has asked for ages please click on the following link.

http://www.jw.org/en/publications/books/know-the-truth/1102008390/

May you find peace, and comfort

[MissingYu]

I walk around like a dead person. I just keep on walking with no place to go to.

[mydeepestthoughts]

That can be part of the way that you grieve, which takes time. .the human heart was designed by our creator to heal, physically, and mentally..Phil 4:6,7 reads."Do not be anxious over anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving, let your petitions be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your mental powers by means of Christ Jesus." So the key to recovering from loss,and deep hurt is prayer to God..In order to do that we need to have a relationship with him. . I would encourage you to visit this link www.jw.org for further information on how to do that.