It seems too big to move on

[Donnacas]

It's been one year and 6 days since my husband of 20 years died suddenly. I have done everything I could to try and move forward but the pain and heartache feels just as intense as the day he died. I think it may be even worse now, because the reality that he is gone and I am still here has sunk in. I cannot rise up out of this dark depression no matter how hard I try.

There is no end for me any time soon because I have two teenagers that I can not devastate further with the loss of their one remaining parent. They are the only reason I am still here. I've been through every scenario I can think of that would allow me to make a quick exit from this world, but they all leave my children damaged and alone, and that is the one thing I cannot do.

Everything I read and everyone I talk to says it takes time. The thing is, all time seems to be doing for me is dragging me down further into the darkness. This man was my whole world. I see now that maybe centering my life around him and my children may not have been such a good thing. He is gone from me and my oldest leaves for college in another month, with my youngest right behind him in a year. Then what? Then I sit alone, not being the most important person to anyone anymore.

Maybe that sounds codependent to some, maybe it is, but for me, being needed and loved is essential to the survival of my soul. Right now, it withers and dies slowly. Nothing fills the deep hole in me that seems to grow bigger and wider every day.

I don't know what to do. To be frank, if it were not for my children's mental and emotional wellbeing, I'd have ended my own life when my husband's ended. But since I can't do that, I scramble to fill the emptiness inside of me. Only it's just not working.

People say 'find hobbies, get a job, date.' Well, I've tried all those things. Hobbies don't hold my interest. All I can think of is him. I have a job because we must have money to live. It's a struggle each day to drag myself up and go focus on the occupation I have always loved. Dating, yes I went on a date. But there was no connection at all with this stranger who didn't understand or really even care what I have been through. And it's hard to date anyway when I don't frequent bars, can't bring myself to put myself on display at online dating sites, and have zero single friends who can introduce me to people. I would love to have some male companionship, I miss that terribly, but just anyone won't do.

And in the end, I just really want the one thing I can't have. To be with my husband. To see him and hear him and touch him. I miss him. I love him still.

[Everly]

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[mydeepestthoughts]

My heart goes out to you, what a tragic turn of events, To lose a loved one in death is tragic, and even more so when it is so sudden, and unexpected. No one can understand the pain you are feeling at this moment. I would like to extend my condolences to you. The death of a loved one brings to us the most intense emotions. And the adjustment period for grieving has no time table, nor should you impose one upon yourself. The key is finding a balance to your grief, that allows you to function, to be there for your children, and to enjoy the most precious gift that we have, which is life. Death does bring despair, but we would never want to allow it to fill us with hopelessness.

I am participating in a volunteer program, where we reach out to those who have lost loved ones in death, and provide bible based HOPE for the future. A scripture that helps us thru the grieving process, and contains a promise of hope is John 5:28,29..it reads " Do not be amazed at this, for the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice. 29 ; ..and come out.

                  That promise was given to us by Jesus Christ..It means that we have the hope of seeing our dead loved ones again. Many are taught that their dead loved ones go to heaven, and that is a beautiful hope..but one that just doesn't completely satisfy us. Would you like to know if that is what the bible teaches? ...Please feel free to ask Jehovah's Witnesses the next time they visit you.

You may also want to visit our free website-   www.jw.org.  There you will find bible answers to many questions..Such as.."Why do we grow old and die? Why does God permit suffering?

The following link has a list of frequently asked questions.   http://www.jw.org/en/bible-teachings/questions/

My Condolences

[Lisaboo29]

you will always love him as he will be in your heart. I miss my partner so much it hurts. I'm focusing on my boy who he never got to meet. That what he would want. He looked after me so much so I owe it to him and our son to look after myself and do things in my own time. I don't listen to other people's silly comments anymore.

[sim-law]

Donna,
"I see now that maybe centering my life around him and my children may not have been such a good thing." 

I hear your pain but surely you were right in giving all your love to your family, I gave my everything to my wife and the loss is terrible but I would never have missed my all too short time with her, even feeling as I do now. To love someone completely is opening yourself to the possibility of loss. It is such a sad fact that nearly 50% of everyone living will have to go through something similar sooner or later.

My best wishes for your future.

Peace and hope
Simon

[ferida10]

Hi Donna, I can feel what you felt. I'm also afraid I might not able to move on. Just came from work over thinking of so many things. It's been 5 months since my husband died, I thought I am now okay but I am still not okay. The more I pretend I'm okay the more I felt pain. So I decided to continue my grief. I cried as long as I want until no more teadrops. Everyday I read about Near death experience stories. It made me feel better and near to my loved one. Try it. I'm praying to God almost everyday to give me more wisdom to understand the death of our loved one. It's really not easy but let's help each other.