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I Miss Him So Much it's Killing Me.


shiroihana

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shiroihana

Last year, a friend of both mine and my younger brother died by suicide. It was a most shocking thing to discover for me, and for months now I have been struggling to get through the grief and move on, but it just keeps coming back. I went to the funeral, I said my goodbyes to him months ago, but for some reason I can't seem to swallow it. For months, I've had recurring dreams about him which are in no way comforting, only heartbreaking and terrifyingly graphic. I can't listen to a lot of the music I used to enjoy, because those particular bands were something in which we both shared a lot of enthusiasm. Sometimes I feel like I'm not alone, and for no reason at all I want to cry. The grief comes without warning a lot of the time, and I can be fine one minute and the next bawling like a baby. Losing him has broken my heart, and it feels not unlike a very hard breakup. I miss him so much, and sometimes it even slips my mind that he's dead. Several times, I've nearly mentioned his name in front of my brother, and had to remind myself that I shouldn't say anything around him and that Kenny is gone.

I feel like I'm sinking, and what's worse is that I feel like I am so alone in this. When I talk to my mother about it, the only thing she does is stare blankly at me. My brother will not mention him at all, and we're so close that I know if I tried to talk to him about it, he would get angry at me. My friends are absolutely clueless, it seems, and I just feel like I am drowning. With those friends of mine who knew him as well, I feel like sometimes I just want to take them by the shoulders and yell, "I miss Kenny! Why did he have to die? Why are you acting like it didn't happen?!" It's getting so bad that it's hard for me to function and make it through my day. I feel so alone in this, and it is taking its toll on me. For months, I haven't slept well; I wake up almost every hour and when I am asleep I have horrible nightmares. I feel sick a lot; mostly drained and nauseous, sometimes I feel faint. I can't do a lot of the things I used to love to do because I figure: what's the point?

All I can think about is how I'd give anything to have him back in my life, and how hurt I am because I feel like I didn't mean enough to him that he would want to stay alive to be around me. But I'm not really angry at him, though, because I know that would make me a hypocrite. I've struggled with suicidal feelings most of my life, and part of me really does get how someone can hurt so much that they feel they just can't stay alive.

I just really need something, I don't know, some input, something comforting. I've posted about this on numerous forums, and nothing yet has helped me. Sometimes I just get completely ignored, and that hurts even more. I feel like I'm screaming in a crowded room and no one can hear me. I miss Kenny so much, and I need help to get through this. I don't really know what I'm asking for, here.

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Heyy. I just want you to know I am feeling the same way. My friend killed herself too. It has been 8 months and it still hurts as bad as the day I found out. So if you want to message me or something you can. We might be able to help each other through this loss. My family and friends are no help either.

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