Living with the pain

[bsummerlot]

So, it will be two years on November 9th.  I lost my best friend, my soul mate, my lover, my life.  Christopher was 42 years old on when he passed away.  He had sleep apnea and I constantly rode his ass about using his CPAP, his diet you name it.  It was all in vain.  He always said he was ok and that he would start using the machine and taking care of himself when our house was finished. What else could I do? He was a grown man and he was going to do what he wanted.  If someone would have told me that he would die at 42 I would have laughed.  This man had so many close calls, riding dirt bikes, framing houses you name it that I never thought he would die in his sleep.  I would have guessed a fiery car crash or something much more insane.  I am thankful that if he had to go, he didn't go in a painful way.  I am a nurse, I save lives everyday and I loose people everyday...this is has just been my life for many years.  Losing someone you love is hard, but not being able to save them is life altering.  I found Chris not breathing on the bed.  He was a big guy.  I tried to pull him off the bed onto the floor where doing CPR would be effective.  I couldn't get him off the bed.  I couldn't save him.  This is something that will haunt me for the rest of my life.  Of all the people I have saved, the most important one, the one I love more than life itself ...I failed.  EMS came and they tried to revive him.  7 rounds of epinephrine to the heart, nothing.  Then I heard one of them say they had a heartbeat, faint, but its there.  They rushed him off to the hospital.  I got there after the police left.  I waited in the ER for about 5 minutes, then they called me back.  The took me to the room...you know...the one they take you to when they tell you that your loved one died.  It was the most horrific thing I have ever had to experience.  I let out a blood curdling scream and dropped to my knees.  The nurse and doctor were so kind and they cried as well.  They asked me if I wanted to see him, of course I did.  Im a nurse.  I see dead people often, I remove trach tubes and I turn off life support.  Its never easy.  Im not heartless, but its my job.  Seeing him lying there with that tube in his mouth was a mistake.  I see it in my sleep.  I didnt want that to be the last way I saw him.  My big strong hero, looked so small and weak.  Sometimes, for no reason that image will pop into my head....I wish I could erase it forever,but I cant.    Dont get me wrong, I still see the handsome man with a million watt smile that I love so much but sometimes that makes me cry even more.  Then the days that I dont cry, those are the worst.  I feel guilty for not crying.  Im by no means moving on, I probably never will.  I suppose I know that he would want me to be happy, to move on with my life, to live my life.  I dont really want to without him.  Nothing has meaning anymore.  Things that used to bring me such joy, just dont anymore.  I dont want to stop missing him, loving him, wishing he would just come back.  I dont want to stop grieving him.  Im afraid to stop feeling the pain.  I want his life to go on in my heart.  Im not a religious person, Im not sure if there is a heaven.  I hope there is.  I hope that his life wasnt stopped for nothing.  I hope that he is somewhere amazing and that he is just waiting for me to show up.  He was the most amazing man I have ever known and I will love him forever.

 

[ModKonnie]

Bsummerlot, 

I am so very sorry about the loss of your soul mate. How absolutely tragic. It sounds as though you did everything humanly possible to save him, and I'm sure he knows that. There are many people here who have lost the love of their life. They will be able to offer support and encouragement. 

 

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[ferida10]

Hi BSummerlot,

I cried reading your post because what you felt is the same of mine. Me myself is sometimes confuse of what to do. Our husband's death left us indescribable feeling of lost and pain. I know it's not easy and I am hoping we can move on. My husband died through a motorcycle accident. We were able to talk an hour before the accident happened. He was kidding me and never thought that was the last joke. Morning before he died, he played with our 5 months old baby. We were very happy together. We're 10 years together. Now that we have a baby he's gone. I cried everytime I can see daddy's holding their babies. I felt pity for my daughter. I'm sorry if I did share my experience with you. I am just hoping we can get strength, courage and enlightenment through this website.