Lost my father. My guilt grows stronger every day

[careyann79]

Hi. I lost my father May 18th. He was 63. Not very old. But was diabetic and the last year things weren't that great. Last April he had his left leg amputated, things never got back to normal.

I never thought I would cry so much so many days. Just over and over. My dad was such a smart hard working man. So know I can't stop feeling so bad for all the pain and depression he felt for so long. He was the the man the one that took care of everything. Then you could see it in his eyes the hurt when myself and my children would have to help him.

In the end my father was ok. He got flu like symptoms that lead to a heart attack. Which lead to a second heart attack 2 days later.

It's just my brother and myself. My brother lives I Florida, we're in Wisconsin. So I took care of my dad everyday and did as much as I could.

But I have so much guilty. Like I should have taken him to hospital sooner. I should have spent more time at his house. So many things I should have done differently in hospital.

I'm trying to go back to work tomorrow. I don't know how to get myself back on a normal routine. I feel I'm not taking care of my own life and household. Because I have no energy. I just keep walking in circles crying.

What small steps can I take to start helping myself?

Thank you everybody. Maybe just writing it all out was a start.

[sad&lonely]

Sorry to hear of your loss. First thing us to stop feeling guilty. (That's what I'm trying to do) you can't predict what happens so therefore you could never of planned for it. I'm sure you did all you could, as did us all, in our own situations..

I'm a stay at home mum so haven't had to go back to work as such, but just be kind to yourself, let your feelings come through don't keep it all inside, grieve, talk to people and most of all remember the good times, its what's getting me by day by day..

X

[MayFGL]

careyann79, I'm so sorry for your loss. I've been feeling guilty myself. I've been mom's caretaker. I lost my mom on 3/13/15 from a massive stroke. In 2005, I suffered a bleeding stroke and another minor stroke in 2007. It left me handicapped one one hand to work with. These past few years I have no sense of time. 

 

When mom had the stroke she was in the bathroom. I left her there because she had a bowel movement. I think I left her there for 10 min. That's what I told everyone, but, lately I've been thinking back, I don't think it was 10 min. I don't know it could have been 15, 20 or even 30 minutes. I just don't know. I just remember about mom and I jumped up to go check on her. She already had the stroke. I will always feel guilty for leaving her alone instead of being there with her. 

 

I was feeling very exhausted. She wouldn't go to sleep at night. It meant stayed up with her and drinking coffee. I get very little sleep maybe 2-3 hours when I can. It sounds like I'm making excuses.

 

You lost your father at such an early age. Going back to work will be very hard. When I started to take care of mom, I was laid off from work and couldn't find work for a year. So, I decided to take care of mom full-time. It was challenging for me, but, I would do it all over again for my mom.

 

Keep posting. I'm new to this site as well. It helps because you'll find we are not the only ones in similar situations.

 

Take care

 

 

[careyann79]

Thank you for the kindness.

It does help talking about it. The things that play over and over in my head are. I was my dad's health care power of attorney.

He didn't want anything done but to keep him pain free. There was things the doctors could have done. But my dad didn't want that life of laying in a nursing home. And that's what he would have had. But it kills me thinking he passed wondering why.

The doctors did ask him during the times he would wake up what he wanted. And it was the same. But it doesn't make it any easier.

People keep telling me just try not to think about it so much. I just don't know how.

Thanks again

[silverkitties]

Careyann, it's hard not to stop thinking about the way your dad passed. I still have a vivid vision of my mom in a coma, looking like she was about to wake up but never did--and that was nearly 8 months ago on October 4th.  When we were consulting about whether to get a tube, she died.

 

I remember having a lot to do when she passed. I had to prepare a 45-minute talk for another college by Sunday night. I was also teaching a course that term. I almost felt like giving everything up; what did any of this matter now that the person I most wanted to impress was no more?

 

But I knew my mom would not want me to give it up--not after all the sacrifices she helped make throughout my life.

 

I think your dad would have understood as you took care of him every day. The fact is that had you taken him sooner, he might still have died. You see, in my case it was different. What if I had just let that bad day pass on its own and not called the visiting nurse? Maybe she may not have died in the hospital 2 weeks later. But then again, I say to myself, if something like a heart attack or stroke did happen at home, I would be kicking myself.

 

So give yourself credit. You did what was best in your circumstances. You knew your Dad wanted to be independent and respected that: and respecting someone's wishes is a sign that one loves that person. They say hindsight is always stronger than foresight for a reason. I have a lot of what if's too, but when I think through them, I realize I only had limited knowledge and bad circumstances which were beyond my control then.

 

Give yourself time. Talk to people who know your dad--like his friends or relatives. It helped me a lot. And do write your thoughts here too....sometimes it helps clear the head. It's helped me. Wishing you peace~