Tired

[terri251]

My friance passed away over a year ago, and honestly most days I am doing pretty good.  But recently I have started to miss him all over again.  I am not sure what has changed or what has brought back all of this pain and sadness.  There are things that I figured would have changed by now, like hearing a alarm go off outside, I still think for a short moment that he is home again, only to quickly remeber I won't be seeing him walk through the door anymore. 

 

I miss our relationship, the ease of being with him.  Him holding me when things were sad and happy.  I miss having that special person I could talk to about anything or nothing at all.  I miss having someone to lean on when I was tired and and stressed.  There are so many things I miss that it hurts so much.  I thought this part of the pain was over with, that I would not have to feel it again, but it has roared its ugly head again. 

 

Overall I have tried to move on, lol not that I have had a choice.  Life doesn't stop becuase someone you love is no longer with you.  I admit there are days I look at our daughter and I see the best of both of us in her.  There are days I think what would he do and it helps me to make a decision that I am struggling with, but most of the time I just struggle to make major decisions out of fear of making the wrong one.

 

I know I am rambling, I think I just need to get my thoughts out of my head before I drive myself crazy.  I think at the end of the day I'm just lonely.  Being around friends and family does not take away the feeling of being alone.  I know people say "your not alone you have me"  but in reality I am alone.  I am livign a life I never expected, being a single mother is hard.  I wake up praying I am not screwing my daughter up and every mistake I make I realize doesn't just affect me but her.  I hate myself when I screw up and feel guilty when I have happy momments.

 

Well that is enough rambling for now, thanks for reading this. 

[Legacy]

I fear the feeling you describe will never go away. that loneliness is eating me alive. He pulls me out of that dark hole every now and then. But it seems like I'm hoping for my life ending much often then not.

I hope this wave of sadness and missing your beloved will pass soon. And I wish you all the best.

[ad99]

terri251... I hear you, I've been feeling the same way as yours. I lost my husband of 20 yrs the last summer. I thought I'm okay now, but I've been feeling the same sorrow over again lately. It hurts a lot. I'm feeling so alone everyday. He was my everything. I can't imagine my future and I am scare making decision as well. I feel my body is so heavy and tired to move on... I miss him so dearly.

We didn't choose this life (being a single mom), and we both have our children to take care. I wish you the best, and hugs to you.