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Numb and lost soul


Nicktasker7

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Nicktasker7
Posted

2008 I lost my father figure, my best friend and my uncle- to this day I have pictures of him on my phone and round my house, I lie awake at night and all I think about is him. Truth be told I feel completely numb inside and feel unable to connect with anyone or anything. My outside appearance isn't as it was pre 2008 but inside I hurt to myself a lot. Nothing excites me in life any more and I find doing nothing and hiding away (uncharacteristically) suits me recently, I seem to be getting worse. Death isn't an issue that bothers me at all and although I have no intention to die if it did happen I wouldn't be scared or even bothered as the knowledge of what awaits when I finally get to see him again would be great. I'm in a pretty tough place I suppose and this is the first time I've ever said this out loud (or in text) to anyone other than myself. I hate to burden people and I don't know what this will achieve by writing this but hopefully by letting it out the pressure will ease. I feel like I need to run away and start life again fresh forsaking everyone will be the only way to forget my inner torture. Sorry to depress anyone reading for that you have my sincere apologies. Nick

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Posted

Hi Nick. Sorry that you are so unhappy :( Have you always felt this bad (since it happened) or has it got worse again recently? You say you haven't told anyone so are there family and friends who are completely unaware that you're suffering this much?

I'm only 6 weeks into my grief so I'm sorry if I say anything that isn't right. Ive kept a diary and I write daily in that. There are a lot of angry and desperate sentences in capitals, lots of question marks and exclamation marks, and a few pages where I've just scribbled all over the place furiously to relieve some of my despair. I hope that writing down how you feel eased a little pressure...xx

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Nicktasker7
Posted

Hi I'm really sorry for your loss and I'm glad your are doing what you need to do in making your diary to help you come to terms with your loss.

I haven't always felt this bad, it's been a very up and down ride if I'm honest- the first couple of years were a blur as if I blanked it out of my mind, from that point I kept having flash backs when certain things would trigger a memory I didn't know I had, which turned into panic attacks. I then seemed to acknowledge it but still unable to accept it. I don't seem to be able to get passed this bit and the constant thoughts of thinking about him and missing him are grinding me down. I really wish I could do what many can and accept it but there is something inside that won't allow this.

Really sorry to go on, this is the first time I've actually told anyone this I really hate to be a burden. I hope you can find peace also, it's a long road and a very upsetting. Thank you for your advise there is nothing wrong you can say as long as it's just nice so thank you :-)

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Posted

You don't need to apologise at all- that's what these forums are for!

How long have you been in this latest 'down' phase that you can't seem to move on from?

I'm still in such an early phase that it's very much disbelief for me- we haven't been able to have a funeral yet which is also suspending reality. My little sister died while she was in China. She was 22 and has been my absolute best friend since the moment she was born. Life without her is unimaginable, it's far more tempting to just imagine that she's still in China enjoying herself. Without having her body back in this country it's scarily easy to do that.

Was it your Uncle that passed away? What do you miss most about him? What was your relationship like? (You don't have to answer if it'll make you feel worse) x

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