Members ixiion Posted March 13, 2015 Members Report Share Posted March 13, 2015 A month and two days ago, my soulmate/best friend/childhood friend passed away. He was all of it. I'd known him since I was 8 years old (I'm now almost 25), but we only got close and got together four months ago. I had never believed in soulmates or any of that cosmic stuff until we reconnected. We became best friends in one day, fell in love by day 3. I knew he was terminal from the first conversation we had. His family loves me and thinks I'm amazing because I didn't let his diagnosis affect us, but honestly it's not like I had a choice. It was like gravity. He was living in my home country and I in the states. I went to see him. Apparently, the day after I saw him, he fell apart. Ten days after I went back to the states, he passed away. His family says he held out just until he could see me, and once he did, he'd done what he wanted to and let go. That kills me. Fills me with so much guilt. I know it's irrational, but nevertheless. I'm a psychologist who doesn't believe in traditional therapy (go figure). I saw a therapist once a year after my dad died (now nearly five years ago) and after months, it still hadn't helped and I stopped. So I don't really see the point of going back. I'm still not "over" his death either. I'm also currently disabled from an accident nearly two years ago where my legs & back were crushed in between two cars. In summation, I am freaking tired of this. There's so much more I could say, more people I loved who've passed, but this one.... This is seeming like the world, for my entire life, has been trying to find my breaking point. It's been one thing after another. I think it finally has. I'm not saying I'm going to commit suicide - I couldn't do that to my mother, as much as I wish I was dead - but I think I've finally reached the point where I'm just... I'm done. I'm so done. I don't care about my future. Don't care about my work, school and otherwise. There's nothing that gives me even a small amount of joy. Video gaming, which I love? Can't even open a game because they're all tied to him. Football, which is my biggest passion and the focal point of my future career? Can't even get excited about that or any of this free agency madness which would usually enthrall me. TL;DR: I don't know what to do... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ModKonnie Posted March 13, 2015 Members Report Share Posted March 13, 2015 Ixiion,I am so very sorry about the loss of your soulmate and your struggles. I am certainly no therapist (good, right?), but it sounds as though you are suffering from some sort of serious depression that is pervasive or constant and has been ongoing for awhile. Have you tried meditation? Are you paralyzed? Do you take meds? Do you have any problems talking with a regular physician or a spiritual adviser? Perhaps one of them could help you find direction. I know that talking is one of the best ways to heal. Come here to talk and share. We will be here for you, ModKonnie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ixiion Posted March 13, 2015 Author Members Report Share Posted March 13, 2015 Hi Konnie. Thank you. Youre pretty much right, I've been fighting depression since I can remember. I liken it to a hole that's waiting for me to trip up and fall into, but I never have. I'm fairly good at keeping it at bay.. At least, until this. I haven't meditated since my days as an actress but honestly not sure it could even work now. There's just too much on my mind that I can't will away.I'm not paralyzed. I can walk, I've had double-digit surgeries and still counting though. And it's also resulted in a chronic nerve pain disorder that, yes, requires me to take pain killers every day. Those are the only medications I take though.I'm not religious so I don't have a spiritual advisor and honestly I'm not willing to listen to one tell me that it's God's will and all that. It'll just get me angry. As for a physician, I don't think my doctors want to hear about my emotional troubles? Haha! I've been talking mostly to two friends, one of whom was my partner's best friend - though usually I try to help her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Orpheus13 Posted March 18, 2015 Members Report Share Posted March 18, 2015 Well in my experience. You have this gigantic gaping hole that's inside you. And, for me after a few months of hard core grieving and various panic attack meds. I was able to try, and I do mean try, to fill that hole with good things. For me it was running at first, then my studies, and this'll sound corny but like working with children. I started doing work with Ronald McDonald House. SMART Family Literacy.. but yea I'm still sad as all hell at night. But you know I'm trying. And I used to get do sad when people would say it's just gods plan. But it's just how they know to deal with their own grief. And they don't know how to help you with yours. All the therapists and psychiatrists in the world can't measure to the feeling you get from regularly helping others. And it's slow at first but the more you do, the better relationships you start to build. The better you will start to feel. I say that, I used to not be able to drive.. eat.. I guess now on the surface I look better. And people tell me how strong Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Orpheus13 Posted March 18, 2015 Members Report Share Posted March 18, 2015 Continued from below.. strong I am. But I don't feel it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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