Just like that he's gone.

[BGpisces]

I'm hoping posting this will be therapeutic because I am just so lost and destroyed. My soulmate, bestfriend, partner in life died Saturday January 31, 2015 in a motorcycle accident.

We met online on a astrological forum and with him being a Scorpio and me a Pisces...it was pretty much love at first read. We met in person and had a long distance relationship for a year before I moved across the US to be with him bringing my two girls. My girls loved him so much...he did everything including loving them like his own.

We spent everyday together as I worked from home except for the occasional ride he would take on the weekend days/sometimes night. He LOVED to ride his motorcycle. We joked she was his mistress. The night he died was a good day...we all spent it together with his mother celebrating my youngest daughter's birthday. We talked about a lot of things and the sometimes moody Scorpio was happy, relaxed and content. We left his mother's and he started waxing his bike at home and said he was going for a ride- he left a 6:30 pm and it toook about an hour and half to get to the backwoods/roads he liked to ride. He messaged me at 9:15 from a watering hole joking about some lady flirting with him. I told him to be safe and I loved him. I didnt know at 10:30 that night he would be laying on the ground twisted up from that bike not hitting a shoulder right.

I went to bed around midnight thinking he would be home soon but I awoke at 2:45am and he still wasnt home. Not long after my doorbell rang and his mother and sister were standing there. I knew right then...I think I screamed and was shaking my head as I struggled to unlock the door for them. I think I was expecting them to say he was hurt but I never imagined she would say "Im so sorry...he died tonight." And she grabbed me and held me so tight.

It's been 11 days since then and a viewing, cremation, and wake has been held. I am still in complete shock and disbelief. I feel like Im constantly waiting for him...waiting for him to come home, waiting to hear his voice, feel his touch, Im waiting to see/feel a sign from him or dream of him. Every waking minute he is on my mind. I love him so much. I have tried to comfort myself by telling myself he died doing what he loved and died happy from spending time with us all. Ive tried telling myself he was at peace now ( he had chronic pain in regards to a neck injury) and no longer suffering and I was being selfish by crying and carrying on for him. My family has flew in and his family despite their grief has rallied behind me...I am ever so grateful, but nothing has even managed to quiet the agonizing hell my life is without him.

My bereavement ends tomorrow for my job and I dont know what Im going to do. I have basically been sleepwalking through life since that night and breaking down every few hours- how am I supposed to deal with patients?? Im trying to think it will distract me but I know Im kidding myself.

My sister left today and my father leaves tomorrow. My mother will stay indefinetly but how can I just "carry on" now?

His mother had said she would divide his ashes between her, his sister, his brother, his father and myself but told me yesterday she changed her mind and couldnt have him split up and would be keeping sll of him. I am devastated...Im sitting here looking at the Urn I purchased for him in our home. Im hoping in time she will change her mind...everyone is just in so much pain.

I cant believe he's just gone...just like that. Someone who I love more than life and who adored me and would do anything for me is just gone. I feel like I am just waiting to die now so I can be with him again. I wont say it aloud because of my girls but I just want to be with him again. I just dont know how I can cope with this. Im am so sad.

[Crispygirl]

Hi BG,

 

I can relate to your entire post, but this speaks directly to my heart ``waiting for him to come home, waiting to hear his voice, feel his touch, Im waiting to see/feel a sign from him or dream of him. Every waking minute he is on my mind. I love him so much.`` 

 

I cannot imagine dealing with the suddeness of your loss, while my partner of 15 years passed suddenly in the sense that we thought we had much more time together, he did have a genetic illness so i knew on some level that I would have to live without him one day.  That said I was certainly not prepared for his passing Jan 26 2015 at 44.   Exactly where you are right now is what I fear; I am busy cancelling accounts, doing paperwork, all the practical things I have to do.  But when everyone goes back to their normal lives and I am left living this half a life, what do I do then.   I am worried that is when I will truly fall apart.   I am so sorry you have to go back to work so soon.   You can only do what you can, hopefully they will be understanding while you adjust back into your job; lean on your coworkers and mom.   I have been giving myself permission to make mistakes and to do nothing.  Things I normally hate!  I am a bit of a perfectionist, but we need to be kind to ourselves and forgiving, this is a process and it is not a linear one.  

 

Can I make a suggestion about the ashes; perhaps his mom will change her mind, but if not could you and maybe your girls if you think it would benefit them and they are old enough, perhaps write letters to your partner (or if the kids are young, they could draw pics etc).  You could take those with copies of photos, etc whatever you feel would be suitable, burn them and put them in the urn.  It would be a memorial to your feelings for him, rather than your actual partners ashes.  Just a thought.    I am scattering my partners ashes, he loved to travel and would hate to be in one place.   His family agreed, but I will scatter some of his ashes at his moms grave so they have a place to visit if anyone wants to.   I hope you and his mom are able to work it out so that everyone feels they have a proper memorial to him.

 

We are in the early stages of grieving, but please know that life is worth carrying on.   I know it seems impossible, but for me, I feel like it is now my obligation to do all of the things that my partner never got a chance to do and to live life for the both of us.   I am going to kick it`s butt!   Hang in there, you will be in my thoughts. 

[Moshi]

BG,

 

I am the same place right now, so I feel your pain. All the joy went out of my life on January 23. Now I'm looking around at a world that seems entirely colorless.

There is nothing I want to do, nothing I want to read, nothing I want to watch, and nobody I want to be around- except the one person who will never again be around. It's the worst pain imaginable. By the second week I was feeling that I might take myself out before life ever had a chance to feel better. I'm now in the third week and that impulse is still there, but not as strong. So if you're feeling the same way, know that you are not alone.

 

The first thing I think you should do is seek out a grief therapist. They will allow you to vent all of your emotions and offer you tools for how to cope whenever you feel engulfed by those emotions. A year ago I would have snorted at anyone who told me I'd be learning breathing techniques to help clear my head, but it has helped. It really has.

 

I will be thinking of you. Let us know how you are doing.

[BGpisces]

Thank you for replying. Its comforting hearing of others stories and healing experiences.

I keep trying to wrap my mind around what has happened and why it happened.Will I get signs from him...is there a physical world and a spirit world? And how I will have to wait forever and raise two children by myself before I will be

reunited with him again. So painful.

The idea on how I can use his urn is precious and I will think more about that. Right now I just bear to put away, giveaway, or do anything with his belongings. Ive left everything as it was and plan to. I know others do the opposite and thats how they cope. I have the fear if his things are gone then he never existed or people will forget him and carry on.

I cant eat or sleep or smile. His brother told me we have to "be around for those that need us." I know my guy wouldnt want me to be in such pain or to neglect our girls. I know that and I want to continue to everything I know would make him happy but Im struggling to keep it together for the kids. He would never want me in pain. No doubt a grief counselor or therapist is needed.Im a spiritual person but not too religious but I find peoples prayers a huge comfort because I need all I can get right now.

Thank you for sharing your stories with me.

[Avery_M_121]

Hi BG,

 

I am there with you. I lost my fiance died February 1, 2015. He was the one man I had ever loved, he was the other half of me. I hate to think that I will never see his smile again.

 

My fiance and I met through work about four years ago when I started a new job. I instantly knew he was going to be someone I could lean on. Though at that point I had no idea this was the man I would give my heart to. It was about a year before we started actually dating and at that point it seemed like nothing could go wrong. 

 

I still find it hard at times to comprehend that he is gone, leaving me to raise our daughter on my own. I think about him all the time, everything reminds me of him some how. 

 

The one thing I can advise is seek out people who can help you. See a therapist, on top of that though, surround yourself with people who love and care about you. They can be the biggest help sometimes. Never be afraid to reach out to people, whether it be on here, friends at home, or family. 

 

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.