Feeling trapped in this life

[Pamxxxx]

It's almost 18 months since my beloved husband passed. He'd been ill for 2.5 years and we were at home together till his time came. Even though he was so ill at times, his love, his presence and being together sustained us both and gave us the strength we needed.

Back then, I thought I would cope when he passed - that I would grieve but still cope and find a way to live. How wrong I was. Nothing can prepare us for the pain and loneliness. All I prayed for was to join him and what shocks me now, is that I still pray to die - every waking minute. I believed it when folks said that time is a healer. It hasn't healed me - not one iota. All time does is pass and stretch out ahead as a tormentor.

Others have said that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. Well that's not true either. From my perspective, this suffering is more than I can handle - missing my darling is overwhelming and I feel punished and trapped in this existence without him. I'm only here because I have no choice, but this life has no quality to it, I no longer have any meaning or purpose.

Some have said things will change - but as I see it, change starts from within ourselves, and to make a start, we have to want to live. I don't want to live, there's nothing I want to have or anything I want to do. If the fundamental desire for life has gone, then things won't change - not for me anyway.

I promised my love that I wouldn't go to him too soon, but there are times when I can hardly bear to breathe. I obsess about death - I actively pray that I'll have a fatal heart attack, a stroke, have a fatal accident or some life limiting illness will come along. I truly don't care what happens to me - whether it's a quick or prolonged death. I don't care if I die alone. Dear God - please show some mercy and let me come home to be with my darling husband - that's where I really belong.

[INKY]

Dear Pam,

 

I fully understand your thoughts although I am not quite as far down the road that you are, I am 11 and a half weeks.  I too think that life is far to long now, what is there in life, what experience could I possibly want now???and why would I want it because me wonderful husband is not here to share it with me so there really feels like there is no point.  I think I have found what I am good at though, crying, uncontrollably crying, loud crying, I know that you will know what I mean.   I also know that i have no option but to go through my existence as I cannot risk not going to the same place as my darling, to big a risk never to see him again, so here I am striking one day off at a time.  

Do you have any support from family and friends? are you able to talk about him and tell people all the things that you love about him and what it was that made you fall head over heels for him?  I do not get chance to speak to anyone about my sweetheart but would love just to sit and wax lyrical about how wonderful he is in every way imaginable,  

 

Pam, I have no words of wisdom for you because like you I am unsure how you find the will to get up every day, all I know is that we do.  I really think about his hand in mine or on my shoulder or on the small of my back and I can feel him and I know that I have to be thankful for that at this time.  I have so many wonderful memories, the best of memories, there would never be enough, but I have them and no one can take them away from me. Does this make it any better ? No but it is what I need to do.

 

I will not say what many say that our husbands would want this or that because we know our husbands better than anyone so know what they would wish.  I know that I do not want to let him down, that I want him to continue to be proud for me to be his wife and be the person he fell in love with and continued to be in love with. How I am going to find the strength to do that I do not know, How I am going to do it I do not know, neither do I know if I will be able to do it at all or if I do will it be good enough.

 

I am terrified of my life moving away from him, that is not what I want, I want my life with him.

 

So Pam, I do not know how we go on or get through is the answer.  We get up and we breathe, we carry them secure in our hearts and at this time it is the best that we can do.  

 

I hope that we are able to find some peace carrying them always at the centre of our hearts.

Take care

Kay x

[HeyJude]

Ladies -

 

I know all the feelings you both described all too well.  I lost my husband of 32.5 yrs.  He was the only man I ever loved.  He was my best friend, my soulmate.  It was love at first sight.  We met one night and were together ever since.

 

My husband is part of me now.  We truly became one.  I can feel his presence in me and I can hear his advise all the time.  It is up to me now to keep him alive through me.  What would make your husbands any more proud then to know that everything they taught you, every thing that he shared with you was not in vain?

 

I know my husband will be there when it is my time.  I told him to wait at the gate for me, he said he would.  So knowing that he is living in me and that I will see him again makes getting up every day just a little bit easier.