Members homeschoolmom Posted April 17, 2009 Members Report Share Posted April 17, 2009 My son, Rohan would have turned 8 today...or was it yesterday. How could the joy of my life be turned into ashes... Rohan died December 26th, 2008. My first husband, Rohan's father, died 61/2 years ago from a heart attack that occured while he slept. My husband, Rohan's step-father, my aunt and my older daughter aged 9, had gone cycling on a bike path. It was a perfect day. Just absolutely beautiful. Rohan had a blast out there. My daughter, son and I pulled up at the stop sign at the pedestrian crossing to wait for traffic to clear so we could get back across to the parking lot where we had left our van. I gave the go-ahead, and without realizing, Rohan hesitated. My daughter and I were almost across when we saw the pickup coming towards us. By the time I got back unto the bike trail and jumped off and turned around, it was just enough time to yell,"stop, don't move" A thud a second later was all that was needed to turn my world upside down. The driver was an elderly man who had seen my daughter and myself, but not my baby. His wife, who was also in the truck, had seen him, and thought her hubby had too, until the very last moment when he didn't have time to react. I just sat in the grass and held him as he breathed his last. Strangely I was the one comforting everyone, including the driver. Even the state troopers who were at the scene came to the funeral. He was such a sweet, goofy little boy... One month later and our adoption was approved, so now we have a 4 yr old boy. Fortunately we had spent time with him before, so we have pics of all four kids together. That was hard!! I was (and still am sometimes) so resentful. I homeschooled the kids, rarely let them out of my sight (I am a nurse)...and my son died while in MY care. I have my faith in God, and believe nothing happens by accident, but this has brought me to my knees. I planned to celebrate his 8th birthday but just couldn't bring myself to do it. Too real? Too final? My husband tries, but we've only been married about 3 years, and he just does not understand. I think he gets frustrated because I am not just snapping out of it. Occasional days of being down are okay...but extended periods...NOPE. I get so tired of wearing my mask. Of being cheerful while inside I just want to die too so I can be with my baby again. I know I have 3 other kids to live for, but sometimes the pain seems to want to take the very breath from my body. I look forward to nights because I can sleep and pretend it's all a horrible nightmare. We are moving, so we have spent all but the first 3 weeks after the accident here at our other house. It's so hard to go back to our old home (in the states), clean out his room and make it ready for our newly-adopted son. How dare life continue on its merry way? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members saadjalu Posted April 17, 2009 Members Report Share Posted April 17, 2009 I am so very sorry. Oh, how I wish this were just a nightmare. My 28yr old daughter died Dec. 25, 2008. I spent many days and nights in the first couple of months thinking I would wake up from this horrible nightmare and other nights hoping that I would just never wake up at all. I feel that my grief has gone into a new stage....one that is even more painful. The reality that I will never have my Sarah here in my life, is ever present. I sold her car yesterday and was so not prepared for the unbelievable emotional repercussions. My husband and I are moving to an apartment downtown because I no longer feel as though my home now is my "safe haven" as I did initially. It feels more like my "gateway to hell". I see her everywhere and in everything I do. She was such a huge part of my everyday life. The memories and reminders are just too painful. The smallest thing can trigger a complete emotional breakdown. I certainly understand the feelings of just wanting to be with her and I really have to fight that more now than I did in the beginning. I have only posted on here a couple of times but I visit everyday. It is so hard to imagine that others could possibly be experiencing the same horrible pain and to have a place to go and know that "I am not alone" is such a comfort. Jamie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mpsmom Posted April 17, 2009 Members Report Share Posted April 17, 2009 Jamie, I am so sorry for your loss, I undertstand though. We brought my Bethany's car home from where it has been sitting for 6 months ( a friend picked it up from the police yard and has kept it for us) Bringing it home was not as hard as I thought it would be. She drove a yellow VW bug, everyone in town knew her from that little car. I drove it home and felt 'near her' when i turned her stereo up full blast on her favorite station and drove by the park where she would often go to visit with freinds. I couldnt clean her things out of the car that night, it was just too much. On Sunday night we took all of her personal things out of the car and I saved every single thing, empty water bottles, school papers... she had alot of clothes in the trunk as she played varsity golf and would often change clothes at school for golf. The tow truck came to pick the car up the next morning to take the car to the auto shop to be repaired, letting it sit for 6 months with old gas was a bad thing and now it needs serviceing. We had planned , from the start, to sell the car and put the money in the memorial scholarship fund at her high school. Now I am sure I cannot sell her car, i know it is only an object but I can't do it. not now -- I was devastated just to see them take it away on the tow truck...it brought me to my knees for the entire day. He was taking a part of her......The pain of losing our daughters does lessen, but it takes a lot of time to feel the 'new normal' ... we are coming up on 7 months from the day she died and lately I have had quite a lot of bad bad days. I thought I was 'moving forward' and now have fallen back many steps... I understand this is normal but it sure is painful. All of us grieve differenly .. I find comfort in my home and although i wanted to pack up and move away from this small town immediately after she died, I am glad we could not do that, I find comfort in my home, she is all around us, and that makes me more happy than sad. I open her room every morning ( we always have kept her door closed at night to keep her dog in there with her and our other dog out) now both dogs sleep in our room. But we close her door at bedtime. In the morning, almost every day since she died, I open her blinds let the sun in , and close the blinds and turn the lights on at night until bedtime, when I say goodnight to her and close her door again.Join us on the "loss of an adult child" site, for some reason we seem to have all settled there, and there are many mothers and fathers who post there daily , we are all a big family who help lift each other up. Warm Hugs, Marcia Bethanys Mom Forever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members lolynbo Posted April 17, 2009 Members Report Share Posted April 17, 2009 WOW I CAN IMAGINE THE NIGHTMARES...IM SO SORRY THAT YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS, YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER SEEING THIS....ITS UNIMAGINABLE...YOU SOUND LIKE A VERY STRONG WOMAN, AND YOU HAVE YOUR FAITH AND YOUR GONNA NEED IT.LIKE THE REST OF US HERE ON THIS WEB PAGE.MY STORY OF LOSING MY DAUGHTER IS IN MY PROFILE UNDER HER PIC.I STILL LIVE THE 7 MONTHS AND 2 DAYS NIGHTMARE HELL....BUT IM NOT GOING TO LET HER DEATH OVER COME HER LIFE...SHE WAS AND IS FULL OF IT...IM PRAYING FOR YOUR FAMILY AND YOUR BEAUTIFUL SON... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members hotrod Posted April 17, 2009 Members Report Share Posted April 17, 2009 Dear HomeSchoolMom I am so sorry for the loss of your wonderful,good looking son. He looks so happy in his phote. I know the pain is unbearable and it is oh so hard to keep pretending for others. My son Stephen passed away 23 months ago and I do remember the first year as a blur and unbelieveble painful.I too moved because everywhee I turned I saw reminders of him and was overcome with sadness. Please come hee often. Read or post or just know that you are not alone. No one will expect you to "REcover" or "get over it". We will walk with you on the journey and reach out a hand of comfort oand love when you need itPraying for your peace.l Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shorty16 Posted April 17, 2009 Members Report Share Posted April 17, 2009 Dear Homeschool MomI read your post and, unfortunately, I know how you feel. The sudden death of a child (any death of a child) is life changing. Please know you are not alone. I am going on 10 months without my 16 year old, Brian.Life is not the same - I still cannot fully accept the loss - Don't know if I ever will.Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tanmanmymagicman Posted April 18, 2009 Members Report Share Posted April 18, 2009 Rohan's mom; yep!!!! just like everyone else WE FEEL YOUR WHOLE BODY and SOUL PAIN; I have not read any of the posts but I tell ya; stay at this site; their are some mom's (and a dad) on this site that are just awesome with their words of wisdom.I felt the same way(I wanted to die) I had thoughts of going to the crash site and walking in front of a simi......truck.....I also have 3 other children but I was only thinking of myself and my pain and that was not selfish that was honestly how I felt. My son was 16 and died in a rollover truck accident; he should of not been driving and he was not wearing a seatbelt; like you; no matter what anyone says he was my child and I will feel guilt all the rest of my life...... I was at my son's crash site yesterday as I was planting some shrubs; well 3 semi trucks in a row went by; I remember watching one (Land of Lakes) and starting thinking could I do it?????? NO; but is it still selfish to think about it????????But in closing; let me tell you this site and understood me; stood by me; given me words to lift me up when I was making myself physcially ill; this site understands me like no one else.....No mask here. this is the real world of loss. Also your husband even as much as he loves you WILL not be able to understand....what you are going through. We never snap out of this ; I sure everyone has told you; we learn to live with it.........Just so you know I am doing better than I thought I ever would so just know it does??? get where you do not suffer so much......So sorry for your loss; we are here for you.Cindy; Tanner's Mom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members welovedrew Posted April 19, 2009 Members Report Share Posted April 19, 2009 Oh, my...how I can relate to how each and every one of you feels! We are in the process of getting ready to sell our house. I can't stand the thought of being in this house and seeing Drew everywhere I turn. I also can't drive the same roads that he drove or go to any of the restaurants that we used to share together. The worst part is...I can not be in the house by myself. If I get home from work before my husband does, I sit in my car and wait for him. I was really sick this week and spent the entire day (on Tuesday) sleeping in my car. I can understand how everyone feels about this. I can also understand what all of you are going through with your never ending pain and the desire to want to die. I have another question...did any of you think that you were going crazy and want to drive yourself to the ER and be committed? I considered doing this but was sure that the staff at the ER would ask why I was there! I am only 5 months out from the loss of Drew. Dee, Kathy and a few other people on this BB have been such wonderful wisdom and support to my pain. I am so fortunate to have found this BB! Rohan's mom... please treat yourself well. Please don't get frustrated (like I do) with your husband. I get very preterb with my husband because I just don't have any patience left. The one thing that I have to keep reminding myself is that he is also grieving. He gets frustrated with me, too. He says that I should be moving forward. Well, on Easter Sunday, he was picking up tree branches around the yard and I found him just cying his eyes out. He had spent last Easter playing golf with Drew. It was a wonderful day for the two of them! I think this really got to him! Your husband probably can't feel what you feel but remember... he is also trying to deal with the loss of Rohan and also deal with your pain, as well. This new life will not be easy for you (or has it been easy for any of us)! I have been dealing with critically ill children for 28 years. I have seen success and loss. I NEVER thought I would be in this situation and I NEVER thought it would be this difficult! Life isn't fair! My son was a wonderful person. He was kind, sweet. thoughtful and was never in trouble with the law. He just did what he was supposed to do. He left us at 24 years of age. Much older than Rohan but, still young. The one thought I constantly have is...why take the really good people and leave the people on this earth that do bad things to other people? Enough rambling...we are here for you! The people on this site are wonderful and dedicated. Allot of them have walked in our shoes, long before we have. They have the knowledge to help us. Please come and post often with your pain, thoughts, etc!Dee, Kathy, Hotrod mom, Marcia, Colleen, Cindy and all of the other supportive mom's (and dad's)... we love you and thank you for being there for us in such a time of need! Mary (Drew's mom) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shorty16 Posted April 20, 2009 Members Report Share Posted April 20, 2009 Mary,Yes I feel like I am going crazy!!!!! I am 10 months into this journey, but in the first 4-5 months, I was completely brain-dead. Could not think or remember anything. There was one program that played through my head - "How could a 16 year old die?"After about 5 months, my brain started letting other programs in and allowing me to complete tasks.You are not alone.Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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