Maybe I'm wrong

[wildcat]

I've never done this before. Not even sure where to start. My wife and I, we lost our son about a year ago. ; he would have been five this coming March. He got hit by a car. Sometimes I'd wish I could blame the person, you know. Like, maybe the guy was drunk or texting, but nothing like that. It was an accident. just happened. I was told he immediately stopped and called 911; he did what he could. I don't know what to do sometimes, or how to feel. My dad always raised me to be stoic, for lack of a better word, emotionally. After my mother's funeral, when I was 7, he told me I was to stop crying and move on. Dad was a hard ass, but some of what he taught me helped with this, like when I had to arrange the funeral and just played like I was being brave. But, the rest...I don't know. I try to spend more time at work, play raquetball, golf, and still go to karate tournaments and compete. But, everytime I'd go back to the house, it's like walking on egg shells with my wife. I've tried to be happy again, whatever that means, but I feel guilty sometimes if I try to lighten the mood and she's just not having it. This past year, I can't say we haven't been friends, but it feels more like we co-exist as roommates or something. We shared a few laughs and we talk, but I havent felt like we were married in a long time. We havent' been intimate in a long time, haven't taken a vacation, or really been happy. It hurts. It hasn't stopped hurting since he died, and I don't think it ever will. But, I can't be wrong to try and not suffer all the time, can I? And how can I get her to see that it's okay to try and move back to as close as we can get to the way we were before? I admit that I've always been like a big kid, even when we were raising our son. I've never felt like I was any good at this adult crap. I don't know what to do. 

[lilibeth]

Wildcat, I'm new at this so have no advise.  I lost my adult son a couple months ago.  Guess it's human nature to feel that someone's to blame and loss of such an innocent child must be so hard for you both.  I look at intimacy as giving a little comfort to each other but maybe for some, it feels like enjoying life which isn't deserved? Not sure but my heart goes out to you both.  Maybe some of the wise people here can help.