Brain damaged fiance

[mrsrobertson]

Hi.  

 

I am new to the forum and just came looking for someone to talk to today because sometimes I just feel like I can't go on and no one can understand how much pain I am in.

 

My Fiance, the absolute love of my life, my best friend and the man I loved beyond all comprehension was in an accident in January 2013 and suffered a brain injury.  After that he developed severe mental illness.  

 

He is still alive, but he is unrecognisable and really no longer exists as who he was.  

 

All emotions disappeared and the sweet, loving, gentle man became cruel, angry and abusive to the point of seeming to actually hate me.  He doesn't even remember that he once loved me and can't share happy memories with me, he abandoned me and the family we shared without any discussion or explanation, only with a text message.  He has no human qualities left.  No memory of what once mattered, no joy, no love, no hope, no kindness, no compassion, no remorse. His cruelty has been almost unimaginable and impossible to explain but he has done absolutely awful things to me that gave me night terrors for over a year.

 

I have worked hard for 14 months not to accept what has happened and to stop hoping for that miracle, to truly understand that my life with my son is one that will never again include him and we moved 600 miles away to start again.

 

Despite the acceptance and so much counselling and love and support, I just can't seem to recover.

 

I can't seem to live again.  Every day is about survival and nothing more. I am in a permanent fog.  Everything is confusing.  I can't seem to make sense out of any of this. I am just in so much pain, and it's so relentless.

 

After the fear and anger and all that is over I am just left with this gaping hole where he once was.  I try and remember him and think fondly but there is always the intrusive pain of the things he did to me after he was sick.  I scream sometimes because my nightmares are so bad.

 

I wish I could say I would meet him in heaven, we always promised we'd do that if one died first, but now - if he doesn't exist anymore, how can he meet me?

 

I have to live and care for my son, but I am almost wishing the years away.  

 

 

[INKY]

I cannot comprehend what you are going through because my circumstances are different.  What i do understand is the fog and the difficulty believing. 

 

What I have learned is that we have to be kind to ourselves and not put pressure on to be ok.  It is not a good place to be in this fog and pain. You have moved quite a distance away and geographically have moved on but this is not that easy as you know with emotions…they take time.  All I can say to you is be kind to yourself, do not put pressure on yourself and take each day as it comes…I say this knowing that in five minutes time I could have tears streaming down my face.  

 

You gave yourself to this man who was wonderful and you had wonderful love with only for him to be taken away mentally/emotionally from you although in body he is still about.  The behaviours that you had to endure whilst caring for him shouldn't have happened and as well as the loss of a love you will no doubt have the effects of domestic abuse (I say this as you say you have nightmares as a result of his behaviour).  Your confidence has no doubt been knocked and the impact of such behaviours can take time to recover from.  You say that you have had counselling, I am unsure if the counselling continues and if it was to deal with the loss or the abuse…It might be that you consider continuing with counselling.

 

I hope that I have not caused any distress with my words, I hope that you find some peace somewhere. Keep reaching out for support as this will help, it is not a miracle cure, but it holds your hand through your journey.

 

Take care

x

[mrsrobertson]

Thanks INKY.  

 

I really do appreciate that.

 

No, he did not hit me.  But I sort of wished he had, it would have hurt less.  It was more things like being caught booking prostitutes and then laughing at me when I was crying and asking him why he was doing something so horrible.  It was basically as if he turned evil and his illness made him a diferrent person, almost like a psychopath - or exactly like that actually.  It was / is as if the person he was was did / does not exist and the new person hated me and wanted to harm and hurt me as much as possible.  It's such a horrible experience but his eyes were dead and black.  

 

Not all the time, he had / has times of returning to who he was briefly, often very briefly, where he would look shocked and surprised and apologise for the things he had done and tell me he loved me and could not stop what he was doing, but eventually he just slipped away permanently into a black hole and he now lives the life of a hermit and sees and speaks to no one.

 

Before this happened he was the most wonderful person I knew. Much kinder than me!  Always helping people, and i never saw him do or say a mean thing in his life.  He was the best, kindest and most loving soul I ever knew.

 

The hope of him getting better has delayed and complicated the grief of his loss.  I wish it was simpler.  I've got no grave to cry at.

 

Thank you x