Lost my dear father, who I have so misjudged

[Zaawafuji]

I'm 19 years old and today, about 3 hours ago my dad had some kind of attack, and soon thereafter died.
Even half an hour of trying to return him to life by the doctors were for nothing and I knew that would be the case.
The last couple months or so was very very tough for the family, as he just kept on drinking alcohol and drowning his pains in it.
He regularly mistreated my mother, but at the same time always tried to take care of me.
On Christmas Eve we actually had an argument in which I told him he doesn't deserve to live after he berated my mother and starded shouting at me.
At the time I never thought I would regret these words, but the night before today he actually stopped drinking and promised to turn his life around.
And that he did. Everything was going absolutely fine and we even ate dinner together which almost never happened before.
We were talking and he wished me as much success as possible in school and in life, and told me he was proud of me that I'm not turning out like him.
I kind of shrugged that comment off and just smiled at him.
For the first time in a long time I was happy together with him.
Then the unexpected happened and while it was going on, he just kept looking at me while holding mine and mother's hand, unable to say a word even thought I could see that he was trying to say something to us. I just had to look away because it was so sad to see him in this state.
Moments after he seemed to have lost conciousness I called the ambulance and tried to save him for about 15 minutes non-stop while saying how I'm sorry for hating him for almost all my life and thinking he was a horrible person, pretty much shouting COME THE **** BACK but he never opened his eyes.

I knew it was already too late when the paramedics arrived but I let them do their thing.
He was taken away just moments ago and I just had to share this with somebody, however vague it would turn out to be.
I've never felt such emptiness in my heart, and I'm really really sad that I never actually told him that I loved him deep in my heart.

Not sure if it's ever going to be better but right now it feels like a dream, and maybe it is? Maybe I'm actually going to wake up in a second and see my family happy once again.
It feels so bad that it lasted so short, he was only 65 after all.
Ughhh I don't even know what to say anymore, it's just way too hard for me to cope with normally so I had to write this down.
I'm still hoping it's just a very very bad nightmare but if it doesn't turn out to be one then I don't think I'll be able to survive the surge of emotions.
Thank you, by the way for reading thorough all of this even though you don't know me. It really does mean a lot to me.
Seriousy, no more words from me, just thanks again.
 

[Lisa Schleich]

I am so very sorry for the loss of your dad. I lost my mom in March, and I am still so heartbroken. I wish I had words that could be of comfort to you. In my opinion, having regrets will make the pain even more unbearable. I hope someday you are able to think about having dinner together, him being proud of you, the good days before the tragedy happened, instead of regrets. Again, I am so sorry for yours, and your moms loss.