grief and guilt

[JeanMihalick]

Most of you know I'm still deeply grieving my mom who passed in September. I have about a 20 minute ride home from work and I routinely talk to her, like she is there with me. I realized during one of my talks that part of the reason I'm grieving so badly is I feel guilty. We had a fight about something about 6 weeks before she passed and never cleared the air. We are both stubborn and refused to believe the other was right. Of course we talked and got together after that but it was still on my mind. I tried talking to her about it as she was in ICU 3 days before she passed, thinking she would wake up and be OK like she was before. I now pray and ask for a sign from her that she forgives me for everything that has happened. Unfortunately in my mind, I'm thinking the fact that she isn't giving me a sign means she doesn't forgive me, that's how my mind works.

Anyone else dealing with something similar? How do you stop the guilt from eating at you?

[ModKonnie]

Jean, 

Think about your normal fights with your mother...Don't they always get resolved, and you both forgive each other and go on as though nothing has happened? That's how a loving relationship between mom and child operates. Of course you are forgiven. She always forgives you. You will get your confirmation when you least expect it. (Or that's how it always works with me). 

 

ModKonnie

[JeanMihalick]

I know, and on a normal fight I would say all is forgiven but this wasn't a normal fight. Was very big over what has become a life changing matter, that I set in motion and she wasn't happy about it. We actually barely talked for a week. I thought she was being her stubborn self and refused to call her. Only to find out later that during that week she started declining faster. I can't help but think it was my fault, and that i wasnt there for her when she needed me. I know how she was and how she took everything to heart and everything personal (gee wonder where I get it from)