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Dealilng with guilt


rosalie53

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My husband died on Jan 4, 2009.  Although he had been in the hospital since 11/17/2008 I thought he was going to come home. The doctor  was talking about rehab.  A year ago today he had a colonoscopy that detected colon cancer.  We were so scared but we went to a surgeon right away  and he started on radiation and chemo to shrink it so he wouldn't need a bag.  He was operated on June 12 and a week later the doctor called and told him he had gotten it all and the margins were clear.  We were so happy.  During the summer he seemed short of breath when he would bend over to tie his shoes. We thought it was from his gaining weight in his belly when he gave up smoking in Jan 2006. It seemed to be getting worse. He had an xray in Sept that showed asbestosis.  The last time we went out was Oct 4th.  The following Monday he had to have fluid around his right lung drained.  He had several more hospital stays.  The weekend of Nov 15/16th he was so sick but we didn't want to go to the ER because they keep you waiting forever.  So on Monday we went to his doctor and was admitted to the hospital.  I continued to work but I was with him every day after work.  I wished I had stopped working I didn't realize that he was so sick.  I feel so awful.  I cry and cry.  I can't believe he went thru so much with the colon cancer and then to have lung cancer.  I was with him when he died and it wasn't an easy passing.  I told him to give me a sign that he was ok. The next day when I went out for my walk I found a hospital bracelet in the snow.  It was just like the one he wore.  I picked it up.  There wasn't any name on it. I hope to be with him in my dreams but so far nothing. We were together 30 years and I miss him so. I know this is very long but it has helped. We wanted to travel and take some more cruises.  I just can't believe this has happened.  It feels like a bad dream.

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missingcurtis

I am so sorry to hear what  you and your husband went through. 

My husband also had lung cancer and he only lived 2 1/2 months after they told us that he had cancer.   They had given him 3 to 6 months and we both thought he would beat it anyway.

We were married for 36 years and I still have a hard time after 3 years.  It goes get easier but I cry and wish sometimes that I could have done more to help him.  Or that the doctors would have tried harder or something.  But I guess it was meant to be.

You will get stronger as each day goes by.  I have learned to remember the good times and no one can take your memories away from you.  

Just keep coming back to this board and also visit the I Miss Him topic.

Debbie.................Missing Curtis

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Guilt is hard to deal with. My husband struggled with NH lymphoma for almost 5 years and then died from lung complications following chemo. The last six weeks of his life he was flat on his back in a hospital bed on 15 liters of oxygen. If I could go back I would take a leave of absence from work no matter what it cost and be with him every minute. I regret every time I was impatient or upset. But we're only human and we have to forgive ourselves no matter how hard it is. He knew I loved him and was doing the best I could. It takes awhile to work through all the guilt and I still stuggle with it once in awhile even after 2 1/2 years. I keep reminding myself that he would want me to only remember the good times and the love we had for each other. Easy words to say...not so easy to actualy do.

Mary Jo

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Thank you Mary Jo for your reply.  I try to remember that I did do the best I could at the time but I need time to work out the guilt I feel.  Thank you for letting me know I am not alone in having regrets that I didn't stop working.

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