It's been a while

[ribitsmom]

I have read through the most resent posts and it makes my heart ache; so many parents losing a child. I wish this pain on no one and feel so awful for those that are new to BI. I have not been to the site for quite some time, in fact it has a completely new look and I forgot my password and I can now post a photo of Bridgette, my daughter, technoligy is amazing.

We lost our daughter in an accident on Sept. 26, 2003; she was involved in a car/train accident with 3 others, all 4 lost their lives that night. We obtained a lawyer within the first 2 weeks after the accident and have finally gone to court, won the veridict and damage awards were the highest our state has ever seen for a wrongful death; none of which helps. I was so excited when the jury found in our favor; to me it meant that our children had been vindicated, but as time goes by and the Rail Road plays the games that they have played throughout the last 5 years, along with the games that the attorny's they hired have been playing, we find ourselves in the same spot we were in 5 yrs ago, defending our children. We proved that the kids did nothing wrong in court, we proved that they destroyed evidence, minipulated evidenece, lied on the stand and then they appeal.  It took 5 yrs from the time of the accident to go to court, we win and they will keep us in appeals for another 5 yrs.

When I first started coming to BI about 4 yrs ago or more I wondered if the lawyers for the RR would see my posts, and I was very careful with what I posted, which is a good thing, as I found out later that they read my posts, so be aware, those of you that are in the middle of a law suit, nothing is sacred. It is so sad that you can not even use a site like this to help you through your grief without watching each and every word you write.

My daughter was 17 when we lost her in the accident and she would be 23 today if she had lived. For those of you that are new to the loss of a child, I am so sorry. If I can give you one thing to help you through your grief it is this; as time passes and you allow yourself to FEEL your child around you, things will get easier. You will never forget your child and you will get to a new kind of grief, it seems to go in fazes, the first year, thank God, you are numb and don't remember much, the second year feels like it should be the first year, the third year things finally start to "kick in" and you really realize that this is the way it will always be, I think this must be when you finally get into a groove with your grieving, because then you hit your fourth year and I think you finally learn to accept and move forward...how awful to put it into fazes like this, but what I have found talking to others is that it seems to be pretty universal with grieving parents.

Talking to others helps more than I can say. To talk to another parent that has lost a child and understands is an amazing therapy for your grief. I didn't find group counseling helpful, as I wanted to spend the time talking about my daughter and my loss and within a group therapy you need to share the time with others. BI is a wonderful way to allow you to talk about your child, we have all been there and you can "talk" until your fingertips hurt.

I obviuosly had a need to visit the site today and it is helpful still. After being absent from BI for a couple of years it amazes me that I can just jump in and purge. I will be back soon, I hope each one of you have a peaceful nights sleep, or at least as many hours as you can get and find a little peace in this upcoming year.

Denise

[lostwoher]

Denise,

Thank you for sharing that with us. I am new to this and have no idea what to expect except for the fact that others think we should just move on and dont let it 'get to me'. Pfooey on them. If only...  Since finding this site- I have been able to release so many emotions and have found many comforting friends. My new family. It is such a shame there even has to be a site like this but I for one am so very grateful. I dont post much because I am fighting my own demons but I do like you all to know I read daily and find comfort here.

Thanks for listening,

Lynn  ~ Kayla's mom

[ericasmom]

Dear Denise,

I don't know how we have not run into each other as we have loads in common. I lost my 19 year old daughter, Erica, in July of 2003 from a train on car collision in Kalamazoo, Michigan. She was alone in her car. Where was the accident that took your Daughter? WE fought in court as well, but Michigan has torte-reform law, which enables big companies to not be sued, we went up against the city as it was their crossing light, but hooked into Amtraks timer, and Amtrak reported for 11 months on paper that the light was broken. They contacted the city one time. Yet our case was not big enough, my daughter's life was not important enough to make Amtrak pay out very much. No vindication from them. Why would that matter some ask? Because someday, my Son may want to go to therapy, to college, to somewhere that will allow him to pick up the pieces of his life that was shattered that day when the lights were not working. I also would love it if AMtrak had to say, " we were in the wrong." Nope, but the city did, and I have to say that I felt they were sincere, our settlement withthem involved changing that intersectin and the five others right there so that nobody would die like Erica did.

I came here about 4 months after Eri died, and stayed for several years, left for a while and came back last year...it was time to do some more healing I guess. It is nice that there are photos now, there were no photos when you and I first started out on this journey. I agree with you about the fighting in court, the ways that you had to watch what you said for fear of their taking your words and switching the meaning. I hope you will write back, I would like to see how you are doing, see if we can share anymore. I am so sorry for your loss, our Girls are probably hanging out, along with all of the others. Eri would be 24 now.

Peace to you,

Dee

[mikesmum]

Denise - It saddens me to hear that 6yrs on you are still fighting the giants who have no sense of decency or dignity.

When my son died I was working as an EMD, my husband as an Intensive Care Ambulance.  I went off on WorkCover (workers compensation).  The company I worked for refused the claim and after 18 months we found ourselves in court. 

It was then I realised that each of my posts here and on Mikes memorial site had been read and downloaded by my companies Barristers.  They had me read many in court.....the theory was I was just a grieving mother, not  really affected by being there with the calltaker giving CPR to my son!  After 4 days, one where I spent the entire day in the stand, I was awarded my claim, salary and medical covered.

I hope you have the strength to continue to stand up to the RailRoad group.  The memory of your child and the desire to see them vindicated for all time provides us with energy we never knew we had.

Please come often and post..........so much is gained from sharing with those who know........Trudi

[ribitsmom]

Thanks to all that have replied to my post; Lynn - Kayla's Mom, I suggest posting, for me it felt like purging and helped a great deal, not only that but you get to talk about Kayla until your jaws (or fingers) are sore I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter, it is so difficult to lose a child, and i my heart is breaking today for John Travolta and his family also.

Dee

We lost our daughter in Anoka, MN; I am sure that you could google the town and BNSF and find the story, I won't go into lots of details today but the basics are this; there were 4 kids in the car, it was Homecoming night and the RR stated that they had witnesses (engineer/conductor) that saw the car go around the arms, they also stated that the kids had been drinking in the news cast. However, none of the kids had been drinking (per testing, obviously), all the evidence (parts of car, fluids, skids) were on the correct side of the road, and the engineer said he would never forget the white car going around the arms, but car was black. We had a 6/7 week trial, the jury saw all the evidence and said that the car did not go around the arms, that the arms and lights malfuctioned and the car was hit.

We then antisipated an appeal and I am sure we will deal with that for another few years, I am totally prepared for it, and am more than willing to go through with it. My thought is this, let the RR and the law firms that they hired read this and let them understand that we are in this (all 4 familes) until the end, they have ticked us off one too many times and now we aren't just grieving parents, we are very angry parents.

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter as well, the only good thing i can say about filing a wrongful death law suit is that it gives you something other than grief to focus on, but when you are done the grief hits you upside the head. Lots of ups and downs while going through it.

Trudi, thank you for sharing your story with me and it makes me so angry to hear that the opposing side used  your grief stories to benefit them and the case. I found that the RR visited the site after the trial, the attorney shook my hand and looked me in the eye and said that he was glad that I was able to post on a site like this, or something to that order, luckily they didn't use any of it against me, I would like to say that it speaks well of their character, but I think it was more likely that i didn't post anything they could use.

[ericasmom]

Hey Denise, thanks for letting me know a bit about your life, the accident that changed your life. The railroads are definitely a protected entity. The feds fund them which in my opinion make it very hard to battle. We did battle however, and also no alcohol or drugs in our case, and similarly, the conductor/engineer said it looked like Eri was trying to outrun the train, which all the citizens that saw it happen opposed. Plus, anyone that knew Erica knew she wouldn't and thankfully, the  young man that last spoke to her at JIMMY JOHNS, said that light had been out for a long time, and that they had called and complained several times. Erica was simply following the law. That train was going full speed through a college town fully knowing that the light had been broken for 11 months, according to their own paperwork. I am glad for your standing up for what is right, standing up where our children no longer can. Our case ended, and you are correct, while I was ready to be done fighting, Eri's Dad had a hard time not having the fight. Left then with huge grief and nothing else. I wish you well in your struggle.

Dee

[mikesmum]

Denise - It never ceases to amaze me how large companies or organisations fly in the face of the truth to avoid accountability.  With me it was moreso that I was a grieving mother, not actually traumatised by seeing my sons address on our screens and standing with the calltaker while she attempted CPR over the phone. Thankfully they never appealed, but like you I wasn't going to lay down on this.....not for Mike or any other Emergency personal in this same situation.

With my company they saw a win for me as being an ongoing financial liability setting a precedent for the future. 

Not sure how the law works in the States, but here they need to show substantial cause for an appeal to even be considered.......RR 90% at fault, some definite fiddling with the data.....really need to have a rabbit out of a hat to change the outcome...

It also amazes me how much these corporates underestimate the strength of a parent who has lost a child..........they do so at their peril.

Strength to you and the other families fighting for their children, now and always.

Trudi

[ribitsmom]

Oh how frustrating...I just noticed the spell check up in the corner and checked my spelling before posting and it wiped everything out, urgh! i'll try again, just ignore my spelling, I know I can type in word and copy here but ultimately lazy.

Trudi, I just realized after reading through other posts from you that an EMD is like our 911, I am sorry that I missed that connection earlier. How horrible for you and then I believe I read in another post that you stayed at work for the rest of the day, you are truly amazing. As for appeals, we need to have cause here in the states also, however the cause can sometimes only be seen with Rose colored glasses that the opposing side must be wearing. They can appeal just because they don't like the the verdict, or the amount of damages that were awarded.

Dee, I am actually glad my post was wiped out because I needed to go back  and reread your post which would have made me look like a dork. My first post I asked if Amtrak owned the intersection, because it sounds as though punitive damages could have been obtained, but after reading your post again you say the city actually own the intersection, but I would assume you should have been able to go after the city for causing danger to the public. I understand that each state is different, but how do you make the city or a company change their ways if you can't make an example out of them with the court system?

You were correct when you said the RR is protected by the federal gov., however that didn't hold true in our case, too many legal reasons to give, that i just plain don't understand.

As for earlier when you said you were surprised when we haven't run across eachother previoulsy here, I think it was because you posted under adult child (maybe?) and I would have been posting under teen child, Bridgette was 17 (2 months from 18) when we lost her.

have a good day you 2

Denise

[ericasmom]

Hi Denise, I never hit spell check,as you could see probably, because I have lost too many posts hitting buttons other than send. Anyhow, we did go after the city, they owned the light, the tracks are owned by another RR company, maybe sourthern pacific, can't remember now, though it is all on paper in my files. The city did settle with us ultimately saving them more disgrace as the townspeople had been after them for 12 years to change the configuration. We said that we would leave it all alone if in our settlement, they changed the configuration of the spot Eri was hit as well as the others along the route in Kalamazoo. At first they said that they would start the work in a year or so, mind you this was already 2.5 years after the fact, and we said, NO, if you want us to go away, you have to do it now. They did want to settle and so they agreed. It is safe now. Thankfully.

[ribitsmom]

I am very proud of you for sticking to your guns; we have needed to be very careful with what we insist upon as we have spent the last 5 yrs trying not to harm the case. After the verdict the families all said we will join forces to make the intersection safe, however the RR changed everything after the accident here so now what we want changed is that the Police have access to everything and we want them trained by a non-partial company on how to conduct an investigation when it concerns a RR crossing. The police tried to get the downloads from the gates/lights and were never given them, even after months of trying. Here the RR owns the intersection, all the electronics, everything at the intersection. The black box in the train is incripted, so we got information from that, which stated that the train didn't apply the brakes for 7 seconds after impact, but the engineer said he saw it coming???? why wait 7 seconds to apply the brakes? Watch the clock, 7 seconds is a very long time. The information in the "bungolow" (little gray house next to tracks with gates) is not incripted and is the RR's property, this information we proved had been changed and this is what the police asked for and were never given. The black box in the car the kids were in showed them to be going the speed limit, which could not have happened if they went "around the arms", too sharp of a turn to get around the arms at 30mph, without putting the car into reverse and putting yourself into the position of impact.

Denise

[ericasmom]

Thanks Denise, and I am proud of you to be working with other families and sticking to it, that has got to be hard. Are you the voice for the families, you seem to be very level-headed and focused. Are the others involved in grief groups? I am praying for you to keep fighting the good fight. Your girl must be smiling on you for having the tenacity to keep going. Our girls died so similarly just two months apart. May they be dancing inheaven.

Peace as you go forward,

Dee

[mikesmum]

Spel chek aint so gooood, down under spelling is different to youse......

EMD here is 000 or 911.   I stayed till my husband (we had been married 8 weeks) rang to tell me they were ceasing resusitation and Mike had gone.  He was the intensive care ambulance officers who attended........After that did I go to my boy........

There seems to be a theory that the grief felt by the parents weakens them.  It may shake their beliefs to the core, but the fight to maintain their childs identity and memory really bring forth such inner strengths.....

Be kind to yourselves, your children would want it........know they are with you every step of the way on this journey...

Trudi 

[beckyc]

I read your post and appreciated it very much.  I'm new here.  I lost my only child just over a year ago (he died last December).  You mentioned that in grief, the first year you are numb, etc.  I just went through the 1st anniversary of his death, and I found it much harder than I expected.  I'm functioning ok, but am feeling as if I'm reliving his death all over again, and just now feeling certain parts of the grief. Don't know what I expected though really.  My boyfriend and I just split up, partly because he feels by now I should be "over" it.  I think reading people's notes on here may help me to know what I'm going through is normal.  Becky

[chels1003]

Hi all,

I have not been here in years. My thoughts and prayers to all new parents visiting.  I was actually looking for Denise and Allyson ,who had provided me with so much support when I needed it most. I stopped visiting after my depositions because nothing said is sacred when dealing with a lawsuit.  They look for everything, even here on BI.

Our lawsuit has been over a little more than a year at this point.  From my standpoint, coming out vindicated in the end is just as painful in the long run.  I had very good lawyers and they had warned me of this from the beginning.  It opens a whole new can of worms.

I didn’t win anything.  I merely proved no one was listening when I needed them to hear us, when it could have made a difference.   I lost the most important battle and won the five year war.  It brings about no comfort or peace.

What  matters is time, family, friends, and other parents that understand what the loss of a child means.

[ribitsmom]

[user=25991]beckyc[/user] wrote:

I read your post and appreciated it very much.  I'm new here.  I lost my only child just over a year ago (he died last December).  You mentioned that in grief, the first year you are numb, etc.  I just went through the 1st anniversary of his death, and I found it much harder than I expected.  I'm functioning ok, but am feeling as if I'm reliving his death all over again, and just now feeling certain parts of the grief. Don't know what I expected though really.  My boyfriend and I just split up, partly because he feels by now I should be "over" it.  I think reading people's notes on here may help me to know what I'm going through is normal.  Becky

Hi Becky, I am so sorry for the loss of your son, and yes it does seem that the second year is almost more difficult than the first.  I think your brain finally figures out that this is forever and you don't have the comfort of being numb along with the fact that people that supported you in the beginning start to feel a bit put out by your continued grief and start to drift away.  I hope you continue to visit BI as it is a helpful tool to get you through your grief, I am not sure i would have survived if I didn' t have it to help me through.

Denise

[ribitsmom]

[user=8021]chels1003[/user] wrote:

Hi all,

I have not been here in years. My thoughts and prayers to all new parents visiting.  I was actually looking for Denise and Allyson ,who had provided me with so much support when I needed it most. I stopped visiting after my depositions because nothing said is sacred when dealing with a lawsuit.  They look for everything, even here on BI.

Our lawsuit has been over a little more than a year at this point.  From my standpoint, coming out vindicated in the end is just as painful in the long run.  I had very good lawyers and they had warned me of this from the beginning.  It opens a whole new can of worms.

I didn’t win anything.  I merely proved no one was listening when I needed them to hear us, when it could have made a difference.   I lost the most important battle and won the five year war.  It brings about no comfort or peace.

What  matters is time, family, friends, and other parents that understand what the loss of a child means.

Chels1003,

I am so happy that you were able to prove yourself and your child through "the system".  If the only thing I was able to do was make sure the public new that my child and the 3 that were with her did not go around the arms at the tracks and that they hadn't been drinking, I would have been very happy, and so far that is all that we have accomplished, now we have a very long road ahead of us; we need to be sure that other families never go through what we went through and the only way to do that is to be sure these crossings are safer and that there is no way for the RR to hide the evidence, we need to be sure the police departments know how to investigate an accident at these crossings and we need to be sure the data is encripted on all the black boxes.

Welcome back and hope to see more posts from you.

Denise

[beckyc]

thank you very much for your note.  It helps to speak with those who have "been" there.  Becky