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I am so sorry for the sudden death of your step daughter.

This event is life changing. 3 months is but a blink of an eye on this grief journey. Anger is normal. At this stage, a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen are what your husband may need.

The life you had with your step daughter is over. You have a new life now. It is almost like learning to walk again. He has to learn to do everything different. The first 2 years are filled with anger, and not wanting this new life. As time goes on, you realize you must go on.

One thing I would do, after my 16 year old son, Brian was killed in a car crash, was something I had not done with Brian. Therefore, I would not be comparing this event with Brians.

You are in a tough spot. Your husband is hurting worse than he ever thought possible. This will continue for a while. Please just be kind to him. Let him say things he may not otherwise say. Let him express his feelings, no matter how different they are than yours. You will find a way to live again.

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

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I'm so sorry for your loss.


First, the group on "Loss of an Adult Child" are a very active helpful group to post on.  


My husband and I lost our only child 2 years ago when he was 23.  Everything you describe your husband going through is completely normal.  It is very early on for him (and you) and there is so much "grief work" ahead.  My husband is still struggling with going to work each day.  It is nothing but a huge task and burden for him, still.  And he has been searching for his purpose.  He even says it that way - "What is my purpose in life? What do I live for?"  I'll be honest that sometimes these statements hurt me...am I not worth living for?  In the end I have to understand that his pain is not about me or my feelings.  These are questions he will need to work through and come to terms with.  Just as I have my own viewpoint and way of dealing with the loss.  I find it better to just listen and not judge or try to give an answer.


I have a friend who is in the clergy who told me it was completely ok to be mad at God.  That he could handle it.  Somehow that helped me work through that anger.  Everytime someone told me that God had a plan I wanted to scream at them.  These statements don't really help.  So please understand many of us have had these same struggles with understanding how a kind God could do such a thing.


The first year is such an up and down, emotionally draining year.  To be honest we talk about the Zombie state we were in for that year and how some things are very clear but many events while we know we took part in them we just don't remember any details.  The second year was harder, in a way, because now life without our child is a reality.  You can't forever think that you are just in a dream and you might wake up from it.  Every day you wake up and the certainty is there, that your child is gone and you must find a way to live on.  


Counselling has been helping my husband.  We also attend a Compassionate Friends group.  This might be helpful to your husband and you as well.  Everyone there will have lost a child in some manner.  Simply put - they "get it". 



Peace to you.


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