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The hard pill to swallow

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As many of you may know, expressing yourself to strangers is very hard, especially after you've felt you've been hurt to your core. I myself have been through two divorces and each one has hurt so much, which broke me down to where I thought I could not breath or believe in love ever again.


I just recently got divorced from my ex wife about 4 months ago. It was so painful and during the whole thing I felt I was in a fog! We tried to reconcile, but there was so much damage done through the initial stages of the divorce that the thought of being together to potentially walk down that same road again just didn't seem possible. She was willing to forgive, I wasn't... yet. We have a 2 year old daughter that remind us of the love we once shared. Now our daughter gets all the love! This is a beautiful thing, but a heart wrenching reminder. We all want to be held, we all want to love, we all don't want to be alone. God made us this way and that is always a beautiful thing.


I our case we look to others for love and support as we pick up the shattered life we have in front of us.


Now I live alone with none of my kids with me each night. This is actually the first time that I've ever lived alone and it's probably one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. I still love my ex because my heart loves to give and love. I don't have a companion to turn to to hold and gain that feeling of want from. My ex however does (and is someone we both know), which makes living alone that much more difficult. 


Each day I go to bed and try to think about what God has in store for me as I move on in my life. I pray that he takes away the pain however he sees it needs to happen. Whether it be to help me from dreaming about my wife and how happy she may be without me or the fact that she has simply moved on while I struggle each day without her in my life. I know she's just as miserable as I am, but it does not make it any more easy to accept such a destructive change to ones life.


I'm not going to get into the details really about why we are not together, but regardless to what it was I think we all end up feeling a sense of regret, loss, anxiety, and emotional strain that is extremely difficult to accept. We hunt for that silver bullet that takes it all away. But I ask you, what would that bullet really do? How would you grow so that the next time you are in a relationship you don't make the same mistake twice? Our heart looks for answers as it heals and sometimes believe in anything that has a positive spin on it, even if it's to look negatively against what your ex may have done to get you where you are today. It's an unforgiving time game, but will make us stronger as time goes on. If it's God's will to push us through getting a divorce then there is a bigger plan in place for us. BELIEVE THAT!! HE DOES!


You are not alone, and you are not without people that will always love you. I for one have a very hard time accepting this on a daily basis and always feel the need to have someone by my side so I can get past the pain, but sometimes that not the answer I need. I sleep on the couch now since our bed is where we shared our love with one another. So you can see it's not easy, not one single bit, but remember, sometimes we need to feel the pain to ensure next time we make better decisions so our heart is treated with the respect and honesty it deserves.


I hope each and every one of you has the best day possible. We all have our faults. We are all human. Nobody is perfect. Remember that as you take each step forward though all of this.


I leave you all with this. If you believe in god then it should ring true. If you don't it will at least show you a shining light potentially:


God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can; 
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 
enjoying one moment at a time; 
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it; 
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will; 
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next. 



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Just join some support group and start meeting new people. You can find a lot in the internet these days. You never know that you might end up meeting someone who understands you!

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