Lost my wife today

[DaddyTx]

Last night, I went to bed next to my wife of 11 years, and my love of almost 15. Today I woke up next to a cold body. I lost my mind for a bit, but did call 911 and made sure my older daughter (15) kept my son (7) in her bedroom till we could get things sorted. I don't know what to do. Family came over and basically hovered all day. They meant the best, I know that in my heart, but they were just background noise to me. I was able to keep "sane" as long as the kids were around me. But now it's night, and I don't know what to do or how to feel. 

I hurt soooo much. I've read a lot of the posts and I can see that other people have gone through this. So consider this just my addition to all the hurt and loss out there. It's gonna get rambly because it's all jumbled and hurts so much. Sorry for that.

I'm only 35 years old. So was my Babylove. We had kids when we met and were supposed to spend our later years traveling and enjoying just each other. Now there's just a huge hole in my heart and soul and I have no idea what to do. I've always been the doer, the fixer. I don't do emotional stuff. But now I have to be both sides of the coin for my kids and it scares the hell outta me.

My family and hers are coming outta the woodwork to well wish and ask how they can help. Do I set up some kind of fund thing for people to donate so I know we won't lose our home? What am I supposed to do tomorrow at the funeral home? My work said I can take the time I need, but what defines that? How do I go through the motions in a life that was part of something so magical with that magic gone? She was my queen, my babylove, my everything. She used to admonish me when I would tell her if there was a zombie apocalypse I would sacrifice the kids and save her. She kept me sane and grounded. She kept me. I used to give her such hell about how I wiped my own ass for 21 years before we got together, but now I would cut out my own heart to have her doing it again. I have to keep the television on because in the quiet I loose my mind. I don't know if I can go in the bedroom and sleep. I don't know if I can even sleep. I'm scared and hurt and lost and the one that saved me isn't here to save me again. I keep focusing on the stuff I can actually do, but I've run out of them tonight. Our dogs are lost, our kids are hurting. I don't know what to do. I used to joke, just this last week even, that I made one good decision in my life and now my wife would make all the decisions so I wouldn't **** it up. Sorry, I swore and I said I wouldn't but I don't know. If this helps anyone then good. I can't say it helped me writing it, but I can't really say anything. She's gone. I don't want it. I keep waiting for her to come out of the bedroom and chastise me that I have to work tomorrow and to come to bed. I keep breaking down into sobs randomly. Someone, please, if you understand this ramble, I need your help. I never ask for help, but I don't know what to do. Tell me how to keep it together. Tell me how to raise my kids without a mom. Tell me when it will stop hurting. I'm lost. The only saving grace in all this bullshit is I'm not suicidal which I understand is actually very common. I just have to take care of our kids. She made me promise years ago that I would. It was what we promised each other. Whichever of us passed first, the survivor had to make sure the kids were okay. It was supposed to me her dealing with this. I don't know how. I quit drinking soda for over 3 months to be healthier because she guilted me into it. What did I do that for? Why did I do any of this? She was my world, and my world's broken and bleeding and I don't know what to do.

I'm going to quit typing now. I've actually lost the energy and it's against my better judgement, but I won't delete this and hide. All the grieving sites and google stuff I looked up says to make sure I don't keep it inside. So, here it is in all it's jumbled hurt glory. My wife passed away today, and tomorrow will come even if I wish it was yesterday instead. 

[INKY]

Daddy T, I am so sorry.  What you are experiencing is shock, absolute shock (trauma even).  My husband love of my life passed away on 19 November 2014 and so much of your post has echoed my feelings, thoughts etc.  I have no children in the home, and the house as you say seems absolutely silent, the silence being so overbearing.  It might feel as though the heart has gone from your home.  Family popping round - you are right they mean well but do not know what to do or what to say and the reality is that there is nothing that anyone can say to change what has happened or what you are feeling.  I understand that when people visit there are times that all you want to do is be left alone to try and make sense of your feelings rather than having to think about them or other stuff.  

This is a frightening situation, my situation is different in that my husband was the protecter, the handyman the absolute everything where you have been that and that is how your children will see you. You cannot fix this for them but it is ok for them to see your upset and for them to be upset.  There are counsellors that your children might be able to speak to because you all need to be able to talk or write about your emotions.  For you this is a place you can do that, no one sees it as rambling or going on, you just write as much as you need.  I do not write much on this site but i write a journal every day at different times of the day when something comes into my mind that I would generally want to discuss with my husband or about my feelings or to tell him how much i love and miss him….just do what you can to get your feelings out.  You know that you have a promise to keep to your babylove  -  your children who are part of both of you and testament to your love.

I can't make you feel better, no one can. I am told that time does not take away the feelings for our loves or the missing of them it does allow us to be able to function easier…..I am nowhere near that point yet either. It is day by day, moment by moment that you have to get through as do your children.  Be kind to yourself and your children and know that all that you describe is absolutely understandable and with what has happened "normal" so just go with it, think like I said about your children and yourself …if you can think of something that well meaning family or friends can do then ask them, let them do what they can.

It is hard to believe that the tomorrow's keep coming I know that. I do not have any words myself to give to ease those tomorrows because i can't understand why they are when my whole world has stopped.  

Just use this site to put your feelings down and do not bottle them up.  

Sending you all my thoughts

X

[MissingDaniel]

Unfortunately, there is nothing anyone can say that is going to take away your grief. It hurts. It's the hardest thing you will ever do. But take it a moment at a time if you have to in order to get through it. Your children are probably what will hold you together the most. I lost my husband with a 7 year old and 11 year old to take care of. I don't know how much good I was to them the first few weeks, but I know they did help me hold it together. I felt much like you - I didn't want to be a single parent. I didn't want to raise them alone. But you can do it, and they will be such a blessing to you as time goes by. I am so sorry that you are going through this, and so very young. Try to hold on to the good times and know that it really does get better, though that may be hard to imagine right now. Be good to yourself and accept any help you can get. Blessings to you.

[HeyJude]

Oh gosh, I am just heart broken for you Daddy Tx.  Oh how well we all know these feelings.  Welcome to hell on earth.

 

Thank God I had my mother with me who had buried my dad so she guided me through everything that I needed to do.  Did your wife have any life insurance on her?  That is number one.  If she did, find the policy.  The funeral home is going to ask you about this.  If she didn't have insurance then yes, I would absolutely ask for donations.  Have someone you trust, parents, go to a local bank and open an account.  Make sure they explain what it is for.  I have seen several obits where it says donations are being accepted at such and such a bank for help with the funeral.

 

I lost my husband almost two years ago.  I felt very much like you are describing as to how you feel now.  I didn't think it could ever get any better.  In some ways is hasn't but in a lot of ways it has.  You need a grandma or grandpa or both to stay with you for a week or two to help with the kids.  You poor thing, I am just beside myself right now.  I was off work about two weeks and getting back to work was a major step for me in keeping me sane.  It gave me something to think about if that is even possible being that my husband is always, always on my mind, even now.

 

Keep coming here to talk to us, it is a huge help to be able to say what your heart is feeling.  I am so very sorry for your and your family's loss.

[DaddyTx]

Thank you everyone for opening your hearts and stories to me. I know it's only day two, well, technically night 2; but it hurts so bad today. I had to go to the funeral home and the guy was pushy and a general ****. He was all business and when I started to cry he didn't even pause to give me a minute. As soon as he heard she didn't have any life insurance and that I wasn't a millionaire, he was all about "well, here's the contact for the county and they will approve or disapprove you then I can put you in touch with our finance company and they can work it out". No tact, no pause, no anything. A true salesman of the lowest caliber. My wife was a salesperson and she at least had compassion. My brother came over and spent the day with me; hounding me like a dog which was actually kinda cute. When I went to the schools to notify them they already knew. My daughter broke down on the bus and my son told his teacher. My son stayed in school so he could meet with the counselor because I hoped that would help. My strong, sweet little girl was ready to go home when they called her in the office so I could talk to her and check on her. I left my brother and my daughter at home and went alone to the funeral home. I cried in the car before I could drive home. They already took her body to the crematorium or whatever it's called; but despite the fact that they won't actually cremate her until they get the okay/funds from the funeral home, I can't go see her body and say goodbye. So the last memories I will have of my wife, my soul, my everything is her still body being removed from the house. It was her wish to be cremated and her ashes spread, but God how I wish I could at least say goodbye. A few friends on Facebook pointed me to a website that will let me raise funds for all of this, but it's Christmas and everyone's using every penny they have on their own family and friends. That's how it should be right? Oh, and I got a call from the local Police Department and they said they want to provide presents for the kids. I lost it over that. When I could finally stop sobbing I told the officer that my wife and I had done everything over the years to try and get chosen for something like that so our kids could really get what they asked for. But now that it's happening, the price is just too damn high. I would trade all that I am and give everything I ever could earn to just sit next to my sweet wife sharing a cup of coffee watching the kids open dollar store gifts again. Oh god it hurts tonight. I'm going to quit typing so I don't completely loose my ****. Thanks again for reading/listening. 

[HeyJude]

When you get your wits I would file a complaint against the funeral home.  That is lower than low to be like that.  They are usually very nice, very accommodating and understanding.  Gosh, I'm so sorry.

 

Do you mind sharing with us where donations can be made?

[DaddyTx]

www.gofundme.com/caiclayton

 

[Chyloe]

I am so sorry for the loss of your wife, and your kids their mum.  

 

My husband passed from cancer on 24 June 2014, and my sons at the time were just 15 and 10.  Thank goodness we had the kids, as I don't think I'd bother to get out of bed otherwise.

 

I am sorry regarding the funeral home, the one I picked to do my husband's funeral were awesome.  I would be making a complaint also as a previous poster indicated.  Just not good enough, they are in the industry dealing with the bereaved all the time, and to treat someone like that is just f!@#$%.  Sorry for the swearing, but there's no other way to put it.

 

Am thinking of you and the kids.