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Holiday Heartache...Searching For Hope


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I brought up the Christmas box from teh basement tonight.  Khyri's stocking, still soft from only having been used once, was the first thing I saw.  Right underneath that was her "baby's first Christmas" ornament.  I feel so robbed of not getting to have these memories with her, not being able to show her the lights or have hot chocolate with her...we went to look at lights last year but she was only nine months old...so she didnt care and therefore slept through the whole thing.  I feel awful trying to be "merry" wihtout her.  I know she would love it all, and she would hate to see us all so sad...but it IS sad...she should be here...she was perfectly healthy, she wasn't in any pain or sick or anything.  She just wasnt being watched. And now she's gone and she shouldn't be and I'm so MAD...which is such an ugly feeling to have at Christmas.  Talked to the detective today who told me they still arent going to release her clothes becuase the investigation is still open...so frustrating...I just want to love Christmas the way that I used to, and it breaks my heart to know that for the rest of my life my favorite time of year will no longer be my favorite because of someone else's negligence.  Someone else, someone who I trusted with my kids' lives, ruined every single holiday for me forever, took a piece of my soul that I can't get back, and while she is hugging her children and opening gifts and singing and watching Christmas movies with all of her children, I will be forcing myself to do all that while choking back tears with Khaily because Khyri is gone.  It's just not fair.  For all you who it's not as fresh for.....how am I going to get through this?? Does the Christmas spirit ever return? Or will it always be a sad, tainted holiday?

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Mermaid Tears

Khyris Mommy.....you have only been on this grief journey since October.....your pain...heartache...heartbreak..heartsick...dark grief...and beyond sadness....it at the peak level.....and all of us agree....you did nothing but care and love that baby girl with all your heart and both arms around her....

and it was because someone else took their eyes off her.....and she 'slipped away'....

   and I, too, have anger for that ....and you are right....that person still has their life and children....but I would think....she is suffering, too....


When I started having GRANDchildren....and I would baby-sit and care for them....I was hyper-vigilant....at the end of the day...I would feel like I used up all my adrenaline watching over them.....for I had that 'What if something happened when they were in my care?


And all the parents on this site can understand your anger over not only was your baby girl taken away.....your 'life' as it was...was taken away...and you are right....2 plus 2 is not 4 anymore....and Christmas is not quite the Merry holiday...and Easter and all the holidays will be different...


Many parents on this site has lost a small child...and then...years later....lose an adult child....Sherry and Laurie to name two of them.....and they will understand what you are going through on another level of knowing...


We may not have any answers....but we are here to hear you and reach out....I do hope you will be very kind and gentle to yourself....and we will walk that same path in your shoes...

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