Confused

[MMartins]

My husband died of a fatal car crash 6 months ago. We had this couple who were our friends for many years but who were more takers then givers. But we always tried to over look that. Before my husband died, he distanced himself from them, but did not really explain why. I continued our friendship.

After 4 months of my husband's death, i was told by these same friends that my husband was trying to hook up with my friend's cousin. And that they had a fight because of that. They also said that the lady did not reciprocate. My husband asked them not to mention anything to me and that it was just a joke, nothing serious.

When i tell this to another couple, who are very close to us, but have problems with friends #1, they tell me that my husband in fact told them that he had an affair with this lady, that she was looking for it, and that friends #1 knew about it. Friends#2 could only say what they saw, which was not much but that they believed in my husband.

I confronted friends#1 but they denied and even said horrible things about my husband, that he did not care about me or his family, that he was a liar. And after that we stopped talking. I tried to get facebook access to his account as i was told there were things there which could maybe prove something, but facebook denied me.

I always supported my husband, being the bread winner, when he wanted to persue a dream, change his life, i was there. He could be physically and emotionally abusive, being from a "macho" country and upbringing did not help. But we also had a beautiful times also. We have a 3 year old daughter.

By the end of our marriage, we were living partners, and he did not make any attempts to listen to me to improve our relationship. And i was tired of being the one to try and make things better. I think we would have separated if he was still alive eventually...

So now i feel like i am divorced from husband and not a widow, and very angry, as he is not around for me to confront him.... That i wasted many years of my life, and even after enduring so many bad things, but holding on to this relationship out of love, that he was not even loyal to me... My other problem is how to handle the friendship with friends #1... Since they told me, for whatever reason, they have opened pandora's box as all this other stuff came out... Many say they should not have told me because now i can not do anything... And saying these things about my husband's actions: that he did not care, etc is very hurtful, and i get very defensive, not because i think they are not true, i guess because i am a loyal person and he is the father of my child... I feel like i am the only one who can say anything about him....

Its very hard and i am very confused.

[Heartlight]

Hi MMartins,

 

It's been a long time since you've written and I hope you get this.

 

I just wanted to say first, I'm sorry for all the loss you are experiencing.  The grief of losing someone is hard enough but then the times of feeling betrayed, of feeling frustrated because you cannot do anything about your questions and you cannot take action on the information you've been given must be unbearable at times.

 

It seems like it would terribly compound the hell that grief is already

 

My thoughts in this are very, very simplistic:  people are only as they can be.  We are such complex creatures and each of us has our past and subconsious reasons or taught morality for why we do things.  None of us are perfect and, no matter what we think is the right way to think or what we would prefer other's morals and scruples to be, we've all even acted against our own a time or two in our life.

 

I'm not saying this so to imply forgive what you can't even confirm about your husband, I say this to encourage you to remember the good parts that you got to experience with him, too.  It's easy to be confused in the situation you are in, but even had he lived, and you knew that he had strayed outside the marriage, my advice would be the same: you chose him for a reason, allow yourself to not forget that.  You saw a special piece of him that was only yours.  And no matter if he was not perfect, you were right to believe that special piece was worth believing in.

 

You Were Right.

 

I encourage you to not let the actions of a confused and abusive man make you cut off your own feelings of love.  The greatest thing we have in this world is the capacity to love, not the ability to receive love.  Regardless of how a person treats us, it is our ability to return to the capacity of love that is our grace.

 

Friend #1 and Friend #2 and anyone else may be correct in this shouldn't be done or that shouldn't be said but it has been done so there is no point in arguing over it.  Take your steps forward finding how you want to express in this life time and slowly allow yourself to be the love that you are inside.  Be friends with them if you want, because they too, are fallible.  As are we all.

 

My greatest point is be who you want to be and don't question that you are the best person to determine who that is.  Love the best parts of what you had, without question, if that's what you want to do because in every person's heart, your husbands' included, is a small, innocent child that deserves that love.

 

And you will always feel better, taking the path of love.

 

<3