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loss of a child


adamsmom3403

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Well here goes nothing - I have never posted anything on a message board b4.  We lost our 8 year old son Adam in a car accident on 1/18/04 - I was driving him to his cousins house for a sleepover - the van slid on black ice and hit a telephone pole.  Myself, my husband & our 16 year old daughter walked away (our oldest daughter 17 at that time was not ready to leave with us so I left her @ home)  Adam sitting in the 3rd row with a seat belt on died at the emergency room - the would have medi-vac him to a Boston hospital from the scene but the weather condition would not allow it.  Needless to say I have replayed that day over and over in my head, what could I have done differently, when we left our home for the 40 minute ride it was raining/snowy - weather I had driven in before.  If our oldest daughter was w/us how would the kids have sat in the van - would I have lost another child.  It seemed to take fire/police 4ever to get to the scene - time was standing still.  My husband (a police officer) somehow managed to climb into the back seat of the wrecked car and start CPR on his child.  I still am amazed that he was able to do this. 

Adam should have turned 12 on 10/18 and I am having a very hard time this year.  As I was driving to the grave on his birthday seeing all the houses decorated for Halloween, I was thinking how I should not be doing this - In a perfect world I should be watching my son blowing out 12 candles on his cake and planning his birthday party.  I can feel depression setting in again, it is a battle to get up and day and function.  I hate this time of year from Oct/Jan - between birthday, holidays and his heaven day. 

Adams death has taught me many things - I no longer have any patience for any trivial things that would have stressed be out before, I avoid people who are negative, and everybody has a story.  I have discovered the wonder of caller id - if I am not "up" for the person calling I let them talk to the machine, and call them back whenever. 

Thanks for listening - I really needed to get this out there.  I have read so many of the posts found here and know I am not alone in my grief and feelings. 

Laura

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[user=18573]adamsmom3403[/user]

We lost our beautiful 13 year old son 6 years ago. I can only express my sympathy for what you are and will go through.  The only thing that REALLY helped me was to visit a medium in Boston. This was the real deal and we DID hear from our son. We didn't give our last names and there was NO way the medium could have known so many personal things about our son that only me and my wife could possibly have known.  The experience was so powerful that we felt better immediately knowing things were the way they were supposed to be. Not really a belief but a real experience.

I understand that people have different ways of grieving, but if you are open you could contact Simeon at the www.fst.org.

Please forgive me if this is something that would offend you, but you never know.

 

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Thank you for your kind works - I have visisted a medium (2x) most recent was Sunday night.  The experience is bittersweet, I know Adam is in heaven, I know he is okay - but to   him talk through her is sad I want to hear the words myself.  I never dream about Adam, my oldest daughter dreams about him almost every night. 

Although my visit Sunday night was not free - this women works with parents who have lost children for free - I want my husband to go with me for a private reading he is having such a diffucult time - I know if he would allow himself to believe in the possiblity he would feel more at peace.  The medium is Maureen Hancock - if you goole her name you can find her website. 

In working with my therapist I know we have to get through the pain to get to the other side.  My husband can't get through the pain - he is trying and has made progress.  We are not progressing through this grief at the same pace - nor should we.  I am able to talk about Adam with his sisters, but it is very painful to talk to my husband, we know each others pain too well.  We have not pushed each other to talk about our son, how was your day takes on a whole new meaning - I wish I could take his pain away, but I know he has to do this on his own, but we support each other as best we can. 

Time has no meaing anymore - Adam has been gone almost 4 years and it feels like yesterday, but other days it feels like eternity since I heard his voice.   I have learned to take it one day at a time - some days hour by hour or minute by minute. 

I still feel like I haven't cried for Adam,  several years ago I had a miscarrage at 26 weeks, I had to go through labor and delivery, we name our son Paul and buried him with my grandparents, I cried everyday for aleast a year, my dad died of prostate cancer in 1998, again I cried everyday for a year.  I did not cry for a year after Adam died - I did cry, I still cry but I think I am afraid if I allow my self to really cry for him I will fall apart and never recover. 

Just checked the time - have to go I am going to be late for work again - thanks for listening.

laura 

 

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Dear Adams mom

I too have recently lost my child...17 weeks agao and I have visited a medium. Like you I felt the experience was bittersweet but somewhat comforting to know my son was ok and that he had comfort over the otherside.

Even though I was elated after he came through I then felt so sad because I had to pay someone to hear from my son.

I have made another appointment to go and see a different medium in a few weeks and even though I am a little bit nervous it does give me a glimmer of happiness as my son took his own life and I was convinced that he would of been taken straight to hell. Knowing that isnt the case at all eases my pain just a tad. Not much but......I know he is in good hands with his grandad and other family members.

I have been having counselling to help me get through this but my husband is refusing. I am unable to help with his grief as we feel so differently regarding our sons death. I have begged him to get some sort of counselling..he wont. I have also joined 2 support groups..He wont come.

I like you wish I could take his pain away but I am unable to help myself , so I am really of no help to him. They say men and women both grief in different ways. I didnt realise the extent of that until it actually happens to you.

I am just hoping that in time..the pain will get easier, I know though it will never go away...all too many if only's..

Please take care

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