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Starting to get difficult again


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My dad was a great man, always generous, kind, patient and had a pretty good sense of humor. He passed away on June 16, 2014, in a motor vehicle accident, the day after father's day. We had a good time, visiting our old haunts and just hanging out. I didn't get him anything for father's day, since I had no money, and had dropped out of college the year before, sitting around the house and doing nothing.


That morning I stayed up late, keeping my dad up a bit but he was in a good mood nonetheless, and we talked a bit and joked back and forth a little. He left the house, said our "I love yous" and I focused back on the video game I was playing (of course). About a minute later, I hear a very loud "bang", very clearly since the windows were open because summer had just started. I immediately knew it was a crash.


I didn't panic at first, but then I realized my dad had just left the house, and the busy intersection about 200 ft from our house would take about that long to enter if the light was being bad. My heart sank and I immediately panicked.


I put my shoes on, and made for the intersection through the small section of woods between it and our house. It took my about 2-3 minutes to reach where I could see the intersection. Before I arrived there, I was questioning if there was even a crash. I thought I heard a shout or two, but no ambulances, sirens, and traffic looked like it was still moving.


When I saw a few cars in the road, and didn't see my father's, I was relieved. I got my cell-phone out to call him, but as I moved around to get a better look, I saw the back of my father's car in the intersection and the entire driver's side crumpled in.


My heart dropped, I yelled out "dad" in despair, and breathelessly ran along the wire fence trying to find a way to get to his car. I didn't see him standing around, and I knew he'd be the type of person to be helping people along and being helpful. Still, even at this point, I didn't consider the possibility he might be dead, I just wanted to be there for him until the ambulance  came.


As I got about eight feet from the car, my heart sank. I walked around to the back, looked in the broken rear window, and saw my dad laying against the passenger side door motionless. I yelled "dad" again, nothing. I screamed "that's my dad", desperate for somebody to do something to help him. A nurse coming home from Yale hospital took me to the guardrail and tried to calm me down, patting me and saying they can't move him or he might get hurt worse, but I knew.


I can't tell how long it took, but eventually the police arrived and asked me what my dad's name was, his birthday, and next of kin. Then I knew for sure. None of the paramedics seemed to be in any rush. In fact, they were laughing and joking (not about him) while my entire world was collapsing around me. I know they're used to this, but it made me angry. 


The woman, who went through a red light and hit my dad right in the driver's compartment at 40-50 mph with an SUV, was sitting a few feet away from me on the guardrail. I was completely numb and just stared straight ahead until they took me to the hospital in the ambulance, where I had to tell my grandma on the phone her son and my father was dead since the police couldn't get ahold of her at the door.


I didn't feel anything for the first two weeks. I broke down a little, but I don't think I fully processed it the entire summer. I just broke down and cried for real the past few days, and for some reason I'm just realizing what this means, and what I won't be able to do with him anymore. I don't exaggerate when I say me and my dad were basically like brothers.


He wasn't able to make my 20th birthday in August. I miss him dearly. I just want a clear sign, I'm desperate. I want to know he's still there. I looked through our old emails from when I was in college and it hit me hard seeing all of the love, hope and support he gave me then and how I didn't appreciate it fully like I do now. If I knew I only had a little over a year more with him, I would've done things completely differently. 


Sorry for the huge post, I really need to vent and haven't shared this except with close family. I'm living with my uncle now, and in college. Doing better than I've ever done for school for him.

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I just lost my dad 9 days ago. It was all of a sudden as well. One minute my sister and I were blowing his phone up to get a hold of him and the next we were getting a call from the medical examiner. I'm in shock and am angry. I've cried so much I don't think I can anymore. Now I'm pissed and can't get out of bed. I can't sleep. His service was just Sunday and I'm still waiting for him to text or call me.

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