Lost mom to cancer 1 month ago.

[A_Lone_in_TO]

Exactly one month ago today - October 28, 2014, my mom passed away from lung cancer. Even though she was old and had lived a full life, it was incredibly sad to have her go. It was also very emotionally painful to see her suffer in the weeks and months before she passed. She never smoked in her life and her suffering seemed so unfair. I have experienced a whirlwind of emotions since that day..mostly sadness at the realization that she is no longer around to do the things she enjoyed doing with me. Another one of the many emotions I regularly feel is that of regret - for things such as taking her for granted at times over the years. It's true what they say about not fully realizing what you have until it's gone. 

 

Even though I haven't lived with my mom for some time, I have either talked with her or have seen her for almost every day in my 41 years of life. Even though I'm grown up and independent, I was always her baby (youngest of 2 sons). We were very close. I was never close with my dad but my mom..she was everything to me. Her passing (along with her illness preceding it) has been by far the most difficult experience I have ever been through. I am fortunate enough to have friends and family who have been supportive, but even with that there have been times when I was and am overwhelmed with grief and sadness. I have cried more in these last few months than I have had in the previous 20 years of my life combined. I still cry daily. Reading other people's stories here has helped a bit. Knowing that other people are going through the exact same thing has made me feel a little less alone in grief. I can relate to many people here when they say that losing a parent is like losing a part of yourself. Which makes perfect sense since we are all literally a part of our parents.

 

By the time my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer in June 2014, it had already metastasized to her bones. The doctors gave her 6 months to a year. The news hit me and my family pretty hard but we tried to put on a brave face and be as strong as possible for mom's sake. She alternated between home and hospital care for the first month and then a permanent stay at 2 different hospitals until her passing. I quit my job once she got her diagnosis to spend as much time as I could with her since I knew that she didn't have a lot of time left. Fortunately, the hospitals allowed visitor overnight stays and I would sleep in a chair next to her bed inside her hospital room each night. My brother would come by after his work to visit which allowed me to take a break so I could go home, shower and change clothes and then return back to the hospital. Once I returned my brother would leave to go home as he was married and had his own family to take care of. Looking back, I am very glad and extremely grateful for having the opportunity to spend as much time with my mom as I did. Considering all the hard work and sacrifice she put in for me throughout my life, it was the very least I could do for her. As mentioned before, she always saw me as her baby and we were very close.

 

Even though there were nurses and caregiving assistants at the hospital, I tried to provide care for my mom as much as I could. Things like helping her eat and drink, massaging her shoulders and back, washing her face and other daily activities. Although hospital staff could and did help her with many of those things, I thought it would have had a more comforting effect on my mom to have the help come from her own child sometimes. For me they didn't ever feel like chores or work, but more as a chance to return some of love and care that she gave to me throughout my life. As well as an opportunity to bond even closer together.   

 

My mom's decline was somewhat quick considering that she was very fit and active for someone her age. The amount of time from diagnosis to passing was only a bit more than 4 months. At first her chemo seemed to be helping in the first month but then it stalled after that and her symptoms gradually got worse. Her last weeks were especially difficult on me as I wanted to help her so much but there was nothing I could do. That feeling of helplessness is one of the worst things ever. I tried to avoid crying in front of her during this period but I just couldn't help it and broke down several times at her side. I made sure to tell her many times throughout each day that I loved her and thanked her for all her love and support throughout my life. I read somewhere that a person's hearing is one of their last senses to go when approaching end of life so even when she was severely weak and unresponsive during her last few days, I still talked into her ear and told her how much I loved her and what she meant to the whole family. I also told her that it was OK to let go of this world and everyone in it. Since I never married she probably felt that I had no one to take care of me and so she still had the motherly instinct to look after me and therefore still hang on. I told her that I could take care of myself thanks to all the knowledge and love she passed on to me - it was OK for her to let go. She passed away in her sleep in the middle of the night. I woke up suddenly at 4:15am and went to check on mom. She was not breathing so I immediately called a nurse. When the nurse came she checked and confirmed that mom was gone and pointed out that it must've just happened because her arms were still warm. I believe the reason I woke up when I did was because she had just passed. I take a little bit of comfort knowing that she left this world surrounded by the love of her children (my brother was also in her room the last few nights). I also take comfort in knowing that she is no longer suffering and is in better place now - reunited with her parents and her siblings.

 

There is still much sorrow and grief that I feel now one month afterwards and there are times when I don't feel like I have the drive to go on. But that's when I have to remind myself that my mom sacrificed so much for me so that I could have a better life than the one she had. She would want me to be happy and to enjoy all the blessings of life. So I think the best way to honour her would be to live a happy and fulfilling life. I know in my heart that one day we will be reunited and I will see her again. I hope everyone out there who are going through similar feelings of sadness and grief after losing a parent will see this point of view - they would want you to be happy. So please honour them by living a happy and fulfilling life. You will see them again someday.

 

Thank you for reading and providing me with an outlet to vent some of my emotions and to share my story. Take care everyone.

[StarVanG]

I lost my mom to lung cancer with mets to the brain almost a month ago, she only lived about 2 months after she was diagnosed. I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand your devastation and heartbreak.

[Tete8325]

I am so sorry for your lost its good to no you have a good support system I to struggle with loosing my mom 4months ago and found it hard to move past however after reading your post today u made a violate point that she would rather you live and be happy than sad so out of respect you have to live on... I realized that were all here on earth in passing it was never meant to be forever.... I realized it would be selfish to wish my mom back after she suffered so much pain and was living miserable it hurt worst to see her in pain so till this day forth I will practice your advice and have faith we will meet again and tht our love ones are safe with their father... U take care and continue to be strong and live by her will time heals best wishes!!!

[Tete8325]

I am so sorry for your lost its good to no you have a good support system I to struggle with loosing my mom 4months ago and found it hard to move past however after reading your post today u made a violate point that she would rather you live and be happy than sad so out of respect you have to live on... I realized that were all here on earth in passing it was never meant to be forever.... I realized it would be selfish to wish my mom back after she suffered so much pain and was living miserable it hurt worst to see her in pain so till this day forth I will practice your advice and have faith we will meet again and tht our love ones are safe with their father... U take care and continue to be strong and live by her will time heals best wishes!!!

[A_Lone_in_TO]

@StarVanG - Thank you. I'm sorry for your loss too. We probably experienced the same sequence of events regarding our mom's struggles with their dreadful illnesses. I take comfort in knowing that she is no longer suffering and I hope you do too. Best wishes in your healing!

 

@Tete8325 - Thank you. I'm sorry for your loss also. I can tell by your words that your mom meant the world to you - the pain and sadness is a reflection of how much love you had for her. Just like you, there have been times when I wished my mom was here a bit longer but then I too realized that it would of been selfish of me because she was in such pain and suffering. She is in a better place now - as is your mom. And yes, the best way to honour them is to live happily - make them smile in heaven by smiling ourselves here on earth. We will see them again someday but until then, they would want us to live a happy life. I believe their love will always be around us...as a friend who so eloquently wrote to me said - "Neither time, distance, nor death will ever change the bond between a mother and her cherished family. A MOTHER'S LOVE IS FOREVER." Best wishes to you too!

 

And thanks to all who sent messages - your words of support are very much appreciated.