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guilt and depression – I blame myself for losing love of my life :(


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I met her (let’s call her Z) for the first time 2,5 years ago on a student trip. She was nothing more than another face in the crowd. As trip was over I forgot immediately and wasn’t even aware of her existance until November 2012 (which was half of year later). We assigned for the same student organization. Probably she liked me that time, but I didn’t pay any attention to her becouse I was madly in love with another girl, whom I’ve been chasin like a fool for the entire next year. It ended up with devastating heartbreak and I felt like world was falling apart.

Everything with Z started in New Year’s Eve 2013 (almost year ago). She sent me on facebook beautifully written wishes, which indicated that she knew about my heartbreak. Her words were very compassionate and I thought to myself what a kind gesture was that. Then we started talking via facebook more and more (couldn’t see each other personally becouse she moved out to different city). I wanted to get to know her better. Our daily conversations could last 2 or 3 hours and I had never enough. She was very attracted to me but I hesitated with making radical decisions becouse I still had feelings for previous girl, who broke my heart. Anyway I enjoyed Z’s company and offered her to go with me on another student trip (9 days in Italy). That’s when things escalated quicly and I realized that I’m in love with her. But still I didn’t say a goddamn word.. Maybe it’s the matter of upbringing becouse I’ve grown up in family where constant fight were on daily basis. I haven’t seen my parents loving each other. They never kissed, they never held each other hands. So it was very difficult for me to open up and demonstrate my affection.

Then she went overseas for her 4-month long internship. Long story short. She met someone new.

I was devastated when she told me that after she came back. For the first week I was in a strange state of numbness. Everything felt like a haze dream. Then depression kicked in. I haven’t spoken to her for the next month, hoping that NC will make things easier. But during that time she tried to contact me numerous times and it was pretty obvious (even to my friends) that she misses me much. So about 2 weeks ago I wrote her short message in which I said that I’m happy that I could get to know her but for now it’s better for us to take different paths. She replied that she’s happy that finally I wrote her back, that she missed me and asked me wheter I still want to be with her. I said yes, so she asked if that would be possible to visit me in my city, becouse she wants to look right into my eyes and figure out her own emotions.

She spent last 3 days at my place. We flirted, cuddled and had a lot of fun together. Then I invited her for a dinner and during that time I disclosed to her my feelings (in fact for the first time – i’ve never before told her that I love her) . She was close to tears. Asked me why haven’t I told her that 5 months ago. If I did we could be so happy together and then she said that it might be already too late. And then I kissed her. It was very long, passionate kiss. I was so high. I was sure that we’re on the right track. On our way back we barely talked. She was going to visit her friends so we split up at bus stop. Before she left she hugged me and kissed one more time.

The very next day she went back to her city. She apologized me for confusing me but she made up her decision and things between us are over. She made it clear that she wants to stay with a new guy.

and here I am. I cannot recall being broken so bad before in my life. The girl who loved me more than anything else in the world, is gone. The first person in my life who genuinely cared about me. who wanted my hapiness. who wanted to be part of my life.

Is gone BECOUSE I was so f*ckin indecisive. She was by my side all that time while I was dreaming my fake, artificial dream of the previous girl who broke my heart. I was chasing someone who was leading me on, while Z loved me and wanted to be with me. I can’t stop blaming myself for that. I feel like I screwed up the most important thing in my life and I will never be given another chance LIKE THAT. My sweetheart is now a sweetheart for someone else. Someone who appraciated her for the person she is, without comparing her to anyone else.

I wish I could close my eyes and never wake up.

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