Loss due to Divorce

[hoops16]

I feel a little guilty posting because it seems that most posts are from partners passing away.  Im having a really hard time accepting my divorce that was filed by my ex-wife.  I miss her, my kids, being a family, my house and just overall being married.  I feel like someone pressed the reset button on my life and I'm 40….dont like it at all!  Im trying to get over it and suck it up so to speak….some days are good some are horrible.  Anybody have any suggestions that may help?

[HeyJude]

I don't have experience with divorce, only that I understand your feelings.  It doesn't seem fair that one party of the couple can end it when both parties of the couple have to agree to join together in the first place.

 

It might be a good idea for you to go see a family therapist and talk about your loss.  I'm sure they would have a lot more advise.  I also think I saw a section here in the forum for loss through divorce.

[The Veil]

Hi Hoops!

One’s pain cannot be measured just because of a set of different circumstances. Loss is loss. Sadly, your loss is the death of a relationship, a death of a marriage, a death of love and death of a life you had imagined would be. You’re mourning.  No, it’s not the same as losing the love of your life to death which is much more final – but the pain runs deep.

 

I was with my husband for 26 years, knowing it was a train wreck a few years into our courtship. We were two different people on two separate paths. But, because we loved each other and were together for so long, we married. I was miserable in a relationship that was stagnant with a man unwilling to grow, unwilling to communicate and unwilling to take on responsibilities. I realized after 13 years of marriage it wasn’t fair to me or to him and I asked for a divorce (I was less kind at the time and actually demanded it). It actually improved our relationship - we make better friends than we did husband and wife.  No, we don’t pal around…. But, we’re there for each other when it counts. 

 

It’s a much different kind of pain and loss than death, but it is still a death just in another form. I promise you, it will get easier even though it seems it won’t.  It just takes time.

 

Not in a million years did I have any interest in anyone or think I could ever love someone the way I loved my ex. I thought I would be alone for the rest of my life and I was content with that decision. If it wasn’t for that courage to make a decision to be miserable with him or without him, I would have never had had the opportunity to re-connect with an old friend that in the past was never a love interest but he became the love of my life and the man I was going to marry. That relationship blossomed into a bond/friendship/love like no other. It was a relationship we both deserved – to have that unconditional love, mutual respect and deep admiration. We adored each other. Sadly, our time was shy of three years together and he passed recently. I would give anything, my own life in exchange for his…. Even at his deathbed, I bargained – take me instead of him. The thought of living in a world without him was unbearable and it is. It’s crippling.

 

Many things, crazy thoughts and a lot of introspection goes through one’s mind on after the death of a loved one. It’s an emotional rollercoaster ride I would never wish on anyone.  In retrospect, my bottom line is: I would rather live in a world without him being a part of my life knowing he is alive, well and happy than the finality of his human life. I say human life, because his body died – I don’t believe anyone truly dies. We’re all made of atoms and pure energy. And energy never dies, it changes form. So, I know he’s here just not the way I would like him to be….

 

I am truly sorry for your pain. But I assure you, you’re going to get through it and you’ll learn a lot about yourself and grow from the experience.  There is something so much more beautiful waiting for you around the corner - you just can’t see it right now. But, when its ready to reveal itself you’ll know it when you see it and you’ll be glad.

 

My best advice to you during this, be like a reed in the wind. There is no crime in feeling the maelstrom of emotions as they come. If you fight it, they will return and sometimes in full force until you experience them and take the bull by the horns. If you don’t fight them, they pass quickly until eventually they don’t come around and at all. That’s when you know you’ve made peace with it and with that you find inner peace. Another piece of advice, don’t hold onto grudges or bitterness. It takes two to make a relationship work or fail – even if we can’t see our own failures at the moment. Forgive yourself and forgive her – it takes time to get to that place. But, I know you’re going to make it through this.