Younger and only brother died in car accident this past Tuesday

[luckyg78]

Is there anyone out there who can give me some advice on how to cope with this? He was 31 and died alone. I miss him. I cannot wrap my head around the fact I will spend the rest of my days here and not see him again. I know there are others out there who have gone thru this and I just need some advice on how you dealt with it.

[ModKonnie]

Luckyg78,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your brother. My brother was killed in an automobile accident, too. The first few days were blurry; we were all in shock. They next few weeks were like slow motion. Everything felt weird and distorted and moved like snail's pace. One way to get through is to cry your heart out as much as you want. (I know that is very hard for some people, and others simply cannot cry, but if you want to--then do it!). You get through day by day. Don't think ahead. Don't think about the future. Just concentrate on day by day for now. That's how you get through. Talk to everyone you can about your brother and how you are feeling. Talking is the best way to heal; it's the only way to heal. You can even talk to your brother (that helps me anytime I lose someone--I just talk to them like they are sitting right beside me).

 

Take care of yourself. Do not drink alcohol or caffeine because that will make things worse in the long run. Try to get out and keep going with your life. Little by little you will begin to feel better. It's just going to take some time.

 

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[c_mk1990]

I lost my little sister to an accident in 2007. I wanted to see that year as a wonderful year, since my first and only son was born, however, 5 months later my little sister was injured in a vehicular accident causing her death. I keep trying to believe that it's for the best, but selfishly, I miss her too much to see logic or faith. Therefore, I am so very sorry for your loss and can only tell you it doesn't get better, it gets easier to hide. Praying for you, Me

[teacat]

So sorry for your losses. I lost my little and only brother in 2011.

 

Luckyg78, right now, you are going to go through shock. It doesn't seem real. Like maybe they are just gone on a long vacation?

 

Grief is an ongoing process, it has it's ups and downs, it gets harder and easier, and harder and easier again. And oh yeah it changes over time. There is no rule book. There aren't check points you have to achieve. Above all else, don't just "deal" with it. This is YOUR bother. No one else in the world can fill that place! "Coping" may seem like the right approach, but trust me, HEALING is a much better one. He validated your memories. So make him live on in them. Tell your story. Tell his stories. It's so true what ModKonnie says, talking is the best way to heal!

 

You will be mad, sad, happy, cry. It's all normal. Find someone you can express these emotions with comfortably. Through these emotions, you will heal.

 

Alcohol only numbs the pain, what happens when the sedative wears off? It all comes back. My advice is to avoid coping with drugs and alcohol. If you find yourself turning in this direction now or in the future, please ask for help.

 

There is no other bond in the world like that between two siblings. You came from the same place. There is a certain closeness that not even death can take away. He is with you. Believe it!

 

@c_mk1990 you are not being selfish, and I feel so much pain in your words. I am so sorry. I would be lying if I said time takes the pain away. You are right, it only increases that gap from the time we last saw them alive. We are social creatures and we need other humans. Period. When a loved one dies, a piece of us dies with them, the relationship dies. That's the hurt. What time does is allow us to build new relationships. The part that hurts doesn't go away, it does however, become easier to talk about. Hiding only means we have been carrying all that pain alone. Do you have someone to talk to? Do you share this weight? You have to stop down playing this, finding logic or faith. This is a BIG DEAL. This is your sister. We are all part of a greater family that is the human race. We should be treating each other like brothers and sisters. 

 

 

[MattsSister]

Hello luckyg, 

 

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my younger brother in August of 2013. He was in a small plane crash and was 26 years old. I'll be the first to admit that you have a long journey ahead of you and it is not easy. It DOES get a little less raw. For me, it has gotten a bit easier to manage. 

 

My advice would be to try to distract yourself a lot in the beginning. You cannot have the energy to think about it all the time consciously (even though it will be in the back of your mind 24/7). It helped me a lot to watch Netflix tv series and movies. I found that it helped me to read books about grieving right away as it's all you can think about anyway. For me it was a relief to not feel like the only one in the world who had ever experienced the loss of a sibling. I read A Year of Magical Thinking and could relate to a lot of Joan Didion's experience. 

 

Also, try to sleep... take nyquil if you have to. I found that sleeping on the hardest days helped. 

 

I think certain things I would never have taken interest in before helped a lot. I started doing yoga (which I never enjoyed before) and I found it very calming. Its nice to be told what to do for an hour and have something to focus on. I would take baths, which I never normally did and it was nice. Easy activities that take up time help a lot.

 

Also, do be careful. I found myself getting extremely clumsy and absent-minded and injuring myself a lot which scared the shi* out of me. I felt so much more pressure to stay alive knowing my parents couldn't handle losing another child. It was not necessarily a realistic fear that i would die but when a sibling passes it seems way more feasible than it ever had before.

 

I also found there were certain days I needed to have a couple drinks to calm my anxiety and i gave myself permission for that. I also decided that my goal was just to survive the year. By that I mean, i decided if i had to spend an entire day in bed, that was ok. I gave myself permission to do whatever needed to be done to just get through each minute/hour/day/week/month. 

 

16 months later I am still in shock and numbed and don't believe my brother is gone most of the time. I have talked about the accident a lot and it still doesn't seem real. Sometimes I get a flash of "he's gone," and I break out in a sweat and my heart skips a beat.... and then someone it's gone and seems not real again. 

 

I still cry often. I still cry unexpectedly and at random times, but not as much as I did in the beginning. I also chose to see a doctor and start taking antidepressants and it helped me significantly. I have been on them for about six months now. 

 

I also found in the beginning that no one knows what to say or what to do or how to help. You will learn quickly who will be there for you. I also felt the need to find other people who had experienced similar losses to talk to. If you think that would help you, I highly recommend talking to others coping with loss. 

 

Again, i am so sorry for your loss. I'll be thinking about you. I'm here for you if you have questions or want to chat.