Releasing...

[SMcGaughy]

Hello All,

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my post. I've never done a blog or joined any type of support group for my grief but I've been looking at ways to release some feelings and that's how I stumbled across this website.

 

Let me start with my story.

I lost my Mother  when I was 17 after she lost her battle with breast  cancer. She was only 46. I have an older brother who was 21 at the time and a little sister who was 13. This was a major change for our family. My Mother was the backbone of the family, she did everything. My father now had to learn how to step up and be the man of the house. My parents had met when they were 15 and never spent a day apart since then. As you can imagine, my father took her death very very hard. He unfortunately turned to drugs along with my brother, so it was up to me to take care of my little sister, which I did. I feel as though I was robbed of my teenage years, and I was. I'm finally getting to a point where I'm okay with accepting that. Fast forward a year and I graduated high school and began college (two of the hardest things I've ever done without my Mom's support), while also keeping up with my little sister and dealing with the chaos of my Dad and brother. My sister graduated high school in 2011 and immediately moved away with her boyfriend. A year later, I was an Aunt to a sweet little girl, and playing Mom for a young girl who was so lost. After the baby was born my sister's boyfriend left and once again I was the one who had to clean up the pieces, as my Dad and brother were still off doing their own thing. We finally got my sister on her own two feet and once again I was able to live my life for me. Then my father spiraled out of control.

 

I love my Father. He was the very best  father he knew how to be. He loved me and he always encouraged me, despite his nasty habits. He met a young girl in 2011 and they had a baby in 2012, which was immediately taken away from them due to the baby being born addicted to methamphetamine. I still haven't met her to this day. After the baby was taken away, my Dad and his girlfriend went on a downward spiral. He literally sold everything he owned, his motorcycle, washer and dryer, and even pawned my Mother's wedding rings. 2013 was a rough year for my relationship with my Father. I refused to enable him, I refused to be apart of the life he was living, I just begged him to get better and if not for me or my siblings then for his beautiful granddaughter and newborn daughter. I was so mad at  him.

 

I only visited him 3 times in 2013. In December, his addiction killed him. This was such a harsh reality. With my Mom, we were able to prepare, we knew it was coming. But not with Dad. I didn't know it was as a bad as it was, I didn't think it was going to kill him, he's the strongest man I know.

 

So, here I am, almost a year later. I'm still so sad and mad. I'm mad that he gave up on life when my Mom fought so hard for hers. I'm mad me and my siblings and my niece weren't enough to make him happy. I'm mad that he just left me like that. I have so many feelings that I don't know how to work through which is causing problems in my social life. I'm so absent in conversation, I'm constantly looking for something to fulfill me but am always let down when nothing makes the pain go away. I feel so empty.