lost the love of my life

[myangelnm143]

Im new to this and not sure where to begin or what really to say it took me sometime to realize that maybe i should sign up and talk to people who are going threw and feeling the loss i feel of losing the most amazing man who showed me so much love writting this i still after almost six months do not want to believe hes gone i find myself at times saying its all a lie hes still here when in reality hes not there not a day that goes by where i don't dwell on his passing and i know its not healthy but i can't help it because it hurts so bad i miss everything about him and i can't talk to anybody about it because noone understands my pain plus i don't need to hear i need too move on thats the last thing im thinking about when my life was supposed to be with this man we wanted to get married have kids we even talked about names and god just took my happiness away and the thought of even moving on makes me cry and have terrible anxiety i have such a guilty feeling because i don't want to be with anyone else

[The Veil]

Hi myangelnm143-

 

Oddly, although I witnessed the love of my life's life dwindle unexpectedly before my eyes... I sometimes tell myself it's all a lie, or that I was tricked and it was an elaborate plan. The bottom line, it was not. I think it's my mind trying to cope with an overwhelming loss I cannot fathom or comprehend. His death registers and at the same time, it makes aboslutely no sense at all. We were each other's "person". We were best friends. We were the love of each others lives. We had a life planned and it was ripped away days before it started. Even his imperfections were perfect to me and mine were to him.

I can't offer the best advice. All I can tell you is I keep telling myself to live moment by moment. It's not even getting through a day - I just need to get through the "moment". I live moment to moment. And there isn't a moment I am not thinking about him  As time has gone by one minute I am okay and for no reason at all, I am a complete mess. In those moments, I keep telling myself to remember to breathe and I have to physically remind myself to inhale and exhale because I feel the very essence of me was ripped out, it's missing and part of me is dead. It's like a vice closing on my chest, but it feels so hollow.

 

I used to have a very strong and solid relationship with God.  I couldn't pray when he was in the hospital. I declared war on God when he died - I swore to crush everything he created.  I've been mad before but I have never sworn vengeance on anyone or anything... It took over a month to forgive him for taking my love away from me - But I won't talk with him like I used to.  He took everything from me and kept taking. And just when I thought I had nothing left, I found happiness, he took that away from me too. I wasn't angry, I wasn't hurt..... I felt betrayed and I walked away because I had to. I know, it sounds dramatic...  but it's true. I'll make my peace with God when I am ready and on my terms. If he doesn't understand, too bad!

Honestly, I don't think God has anything to do with any of this.  I can't see any being behaving so cruely. I keep hearing in my head, "this was the best possible outcome" and it angers me.  I think we choose how our lives will be played out without realizing the impact it has on others. Maybe we do realize the impact.I don't know.. I don't have the answers.

What I do know is the last few years were the most perfect and precious moments of my life and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I'd re-live them again just the same - I have no regrets and I know my love doesn't either. We made every moment count as if it were our last.  We always appreciated each other. I have always lived my life like that.

You don't have to be with anyone else. You take everything in... in "your" time and at "your" speed - no one else's. Just live for now.  Live for the moment... because this moment is all we have.  Don't worry about what others say or think. Most cannot relate to what you are going through.  Just remember to breathe and try not to feel guilty.  We are the ones left to survive.... It's on your terms now.

 

I don't know if this helped you at all. But this has been my truth to get me through my own pain and I am aware it is very raw. But, I do hope it has helped in some way for you.


 

[myangelnm143]

Thank you and im so very sorry for your loss and the pain that you feel as well i had a strong faith in god but i really honestly don't anymore i was in a mentally abusive relationship for a long long time until the love of my life came along and literally took my breath away its because of him i realized what im worth and what i truly deserve and what angers me is the fact that god took him away i sometimes feel maybe i just don't deserve to be happy sometimes i find myself asking why am i even living i try and be as strong as i can possibly be but nothing seems to work my depression just gets worse so thats why im glad i signed up to this site i figured it might do me some good to relate to others who feel the pain i feel so thank you for replying talking about it somewhat helps