Sanity

[ldressle]

This is the most difficult journey I have ever traveled.  My only child, Benjamin died on Fathers day in a horrific plane crash off the Oregon Coast.  My father was flying his small plane and the engine had a mechanical failure.  The plane crashed into the ocean very close to shore.  No one survived and my Dad and son died instantly.  Since their passing, I have had many difficult days of saddness.  Overwhelming feelings of grief and loss.

 

I keep thinking it will get better only to find that I have more saddness, more tears - more emotions than the day before.  I am constantly suprised as to what might trigger a new bought of tears and crying.  I especially have difficulty while driving.   I think my car has become my special greiving spot. 

 

My husband wasn't with me when Benjamin passed, I often traveled with my son.  We loved an adventure.  My husband, not so much.  So traveling became special time I got to spend with my son.  We visited many places together in the USA.  We sometimes traveled as a family but only due to my persistence.  Now my husband treasures those trips and wishes he had joined us for the last trip made together down to Florence, OR where the accident occurred.

 

My son wouldn't want me to be this sad, he was a strong, handsome young man who loved to learn math and science, chess, video games - league of legends, basketball, karate, and drama.  He was an excellent orator and had the most wonderful laugh and sense of humor.  I sure miss his magic card tricks, love of life and sense of purpose.  He always seemed ahead of the rest of his classmates and was beyond his years at every stage of his live.

 

I now know how precious each day was.  I will cherish my memories.  I will cherish his memory and try to be the best mom even without his presence here on earth.

 

I hope that I can share with others what has helped me over the last four months...

Let yourself cry - tears are healing,   Take time to be outside with nature - walking is good, trees are my friends, animals and birds feel close to me now.  Pinterest - great website with lots of information about grieving and loss.  Keep going, get up and get out for some part of the day.  Talk to your loved ones, light candles, pictures of my son, pictures of other family members who have passed on.  Sharing memories, journaling, reading books about grief...had to stop this for awhile as I was feeling "prescribed" grief responses.

 

Patience, patience and love.  I try to focus on the loving energy between my son and myself.  He and I had a special connection that will ALWAYS be part of me and who I am as a Mom.  I don't want to forget the love, hugs, positive words and wisdom we had together and as a family.  We were very close - the three of us, Dad Benjamin and I.  He will always be in my heart, soul and part of me.

 

I try to remember the positive love and hold this in my heart when I feel sad.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I am sorry for the loss of your son, Benjamin. We normally post in the Loss of an Adult Child thread. There are many moms and some dads who post on a regular basis there. Your grief is compounded by losing both your father and son...it will be a hard journey.

 

Wishing you gentleness in the days ahead.