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Lost my 14 year old son Ethan on 27 October 2008


ethansmuffin

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Hi to all of you

I am new to this, and might do everything wrong.....

On sunday my son Ethan 14 years old and he's dad went quadbike riding a few block from where we stay. Ethan and another boy collided - I receved the phonecall from the peramedic that there was an accident and I should meet my son and his dad at the hospital - Not for one single minute did I think about him dying - Ethan was in ICU when I got to the trauma centre - We stayed with our son the whole night family and friends were sitting in the corridors of the hospital - It was horrible knowing that my precious boy was seriously injured.

The neurosurgeon told us around 20h00 that evening that my baby was braindead - Ethan passed away the Monday morning 07h15....and a partof me died with him.....I cannot go on...I do not want to go on.....we are all so shattered....

It is now almost three weeks since his funeral and the days are getting harder and harder -

Yes I know now how you feel - I have become the mom no other mother want to become.....My love goes to all of you - i pray for you.

Ethan's muffin

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My heart goes out to you and your family. Your Ethan is precious. My heart aches thinking of those first few weeks after my Ashley died and what you are going through. I found this message board about 3 weeks after Ashley's accident and it was my lifeline, you have come to the right place. It has been 4+ years for me. A part of me did die along with Ashley, but there is joy in my life now, bittersweet, but joy nonetheless. There is always someone here who can offer much needed support. My love and prayers to you, Dottie

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Thank you Dottie

Since Ethan died, I am not sure what I believe or feel anymore. It is an indescribable pain, I move from disbelief to emptiness to anger to grief, and often even guilt, The days are counting down. But the pain increases day by day…MY LIFE AS IT WAS…IS OVER!..Its has died 07h15, Monday 27 October 2008.

The sheer intensity of my feelings, the utter despair at losing my son, my baby.., and sometimes the intolerable physical pain I feel, all lead to a sense of numbness, I feel as if there is a deep black whole  in my soul….

I alo know all that is carrying us now is the prayers and support of friends and family - but all of them is just as devastated - they have loved him so much...I's like I wake up in this nightmare everymorning - over and over again.....

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heartbeataway

Ethansmuffin,

I am so sorry for your loss.  So very sorry that you join this saddest of all life's journey's.

Your loss is so new .......

Unfortunately, I remember those first minutes, hours, days and weeks after our son died unexpectedly.  Nothing will make this better but time.  And even though it's hard to believe now, time will make this loss softer and the pain will ease to a level that will be less overwhelming.

Three weeks ..........  bless your broken heart.  You are definitely in the right place.  Pour your heart out with your keyboard and we will be here reading and responding with our experience and our hearts.

You are not alone and there are folks who understand the pain, the sleepless nights, the hopelessness, the despair and the emotional and physical pain you are experiencing.

I remember going to bed and my last thoughts were, "please don't let me wake up".

We are 19 months into this journey and I still have "Jason Moments" and I still long to hear his voice and see his smile.

I know that I will again one day, I just have to be patient and hold onto my memories.

Deep breaths and Baby steps .........

Love from one grieving Mom to another,

Bonnie

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Ethan looks like such a wonderful young man.  What a beautiful smile.   I know the heart break of losing a son.  This isn't just any child who died far away.  This is Ethan.  Your amazing wonderful son.  So full of life and such an important part of each day.  Your world has stopped.  Nothing will be the same again without Ethan's presence in your life.  The agony, shock  and horror are present for you 24 hours a day right now.  It has been over a year now for me since I lost my oldest.  He was almost 11.  It is only through the love and support of family and friends and my faith in God that I have made it through this last year.  I know you probably can't believe it right now and don't even want to believe it right now, but time will soften this pain.  There will be better days ahead.  Please hang on to what ever you can find to get you through.  I still am hit with waves of grief that when I think of how much I miss my Joshua.  How much I want him here to hug, tease and love.  How much I miss all his quirks.  When I see the moms of the boys from my son's 6th grade class hugging their sons, I still get a flash of jealousy that they are here when my Joshua isn't here.  Be gentle with yourself.  Eat and drink.  Sleep and rest.  Cry and talk about your precious boy.  The next few months may hurt worse before it gets better as the numbness you didn't know was there slowly wears off and you mourn and grieve.  Come tell us about Ethan.  We would love to get to know him and share in his memories.

Sal

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Ethan was such an awesome kid – he was the cutest baby you can lay your eyes on- very inquisitive, very intelligent….very often so naughty….he was the class clown – You can here his laugh a mile away – last night, Dillon (10) he friend came over and said…I miss his laugh so much -  our circle of friends are a bit younger than us, obviously with younger Kids – We use to joke about Ethan’s circle of friends the youngest being 4 years old and the oldest his cousin of 23….boys, girls…of every race, culture and colour – Our friends called our house UN headoffice….

 Ethan really lived to the fullest – He played soccer, he did swimming, he loved water sport…. but he’s overall passion was bicycles, motorbikes and quad bikes – He was Wild at Heart – If I have to count the  times when we had to rush to the emergency room of hospitals…it will be a lot of times….Ethan had an accident every 2nd month….minor accidents of course with he’s stunt bike or mountain bike….but never with his Quad…..He went on a school camp about 3 months ago – 24 children were taken on a tractor with a trailer to the dam – one child falls of…Ethan of course…luckily he was not hurt – just bruised –

He loved music…he could beat box like a pro…to the amusement of all children in the complex (We live in a Sport complex). He was the play station champ…very competitive….even in school…He was sweet naughty….boy naughty….did the funniest things….Two month ago he met this lovely girl his age – that became his very first girlfriend…or so I think *smile*…Muffin…when I see her…I get a warm feeling in my stomack…

What an affectionate child he was – he called me “muffin”, he adored his two older sisters Zio (21) and Zavy (17) and could tease them until they turned blue…..He was the heartbeat of our house….He was he’s Dad’s live…everything we did or planned was done with Ethan in mind – especially our holidays – Sistersare happy if they can shop…that’s about all…Ethan we must make sure will not be bored…there must be enough he can do physically-children he can play and communicate with (does’nt matter their age – he could befriend anyone) oh! And of course FOOD…

The Thursday evening before Ethan’s accident (Sunday, 26 October 2008) I made he’s favorite meal – macaroni cheese – He ask me while grating the cheese…”Where do moms learn to cook’..you all go to a school or something – because this is so good muffin….

The house is quiet…his laugher is gone….no one is sailing down the stairs like James Bond – the milk carton is still full, the 2 minute noodles untouched….We miss him so much…I can’t look My husband and my two daughters…the devastation on their faces ……He’s friends Oh! God help them….help us all..we are falling apart…

Ethansmuffin

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Ethansmuffin

Like they all said before me, you are in the right place.  I lost my 16 year old son, Brian in a car-surfing incident on 6-19-08.  I have a hard time calling it an accident.

The boy driving the car is being charged with Homicide by neglegent use of a motor vehicle.  2 families are devastated.  We had our 4th court hearing on 11-14-08.  The assistant district attorney handling the case is a baffoon.  He presented 5 month old evident to the defense on 11-14-08 and we have yet another hearing scheduled for 1-21-09.  It looks like the boy will plead no contest and he will be a felon for the rest of his life. - No one wins

For me, it took me a good 4 months before I could even hold a thought in my head.  My head played one program - How could Brian die in such an unbelieveably stupid way?  Who rides on the hood of a car going 68 miles an hour?  I also had so many emotions - I felt every emotion all the time.  It does get better.

I am now able to work and work has saved my life.  I have 2 other children - An 18 year old girl and a 15 year old boy.  I have found it is ok for them to see me cry.  My daughter talks about loosing Brian all the time, but Aaron is quiet.  I found out last night that he has nightmares and see's Brian dead or dying in his dreams.

My son talks to a councelor at school every week, Scott and I have joined Compasionate Friends and go to those meetings once a month.  I have tried to get my family into counceling, but no-go.

Be kind to yourself.  Crying helped me in the beginning.  I also took many naps.

Your son sounds allot like my son - a free spirit that lived to the fullest.  Brian fit a lifetime into 16 years.  There are no words I can say to make the pain go away.  Just know we are all here because of our loss and together we will live.

Colleen, Brian's Mom Forever.

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heartbeataway

One foot in front of the other, deep breaths, fresh air, nourishment ....... it will get softer.

But, it will take time.

You'll find that a lot of our children had adventurous spirits.  Is a quad a smaller version of a four-wheeler?  That's what we called them.  Our son Jason was "mud and trucks" as we called it.  He liked to jeep, four-wheel, dirt bike and also liked to maintain his "toys" himself.  His garage was his "man cave" and the place I was drawn too after his death.

I go to counseling on my own.  My husband and I attended together early on and I've continued.  After the holidays, I may cut back from once a week.

This will be our second holiday season without him.  It's not any easier.  I still can't get my decorations out.  There's very little "happy" in the holidays for me.  Jay was my only child, our only son.  He was like air to me and I've found it hard to breath without him.

But, I've also gotten to the place that I know what he would want us to do.  And I try very hard to continue to be the Mom he was proud of.

I send you strength .......... and love.

Bonnie

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Ethan's mommy...

I am new to the loss of a child too. I lost our baby Tanner 21 months old 3 weeks before your Ethan passed away. I know how you are feeling....empty. Like life will not go on without the loss of a son. I have my good days and bad days. Here lately it's been the bad. With the holidays coming up I don't want to celebrate. It wouldn't be right without Tanner. He loved the attention, the excitement, the FOOD! But I have to make it through them. I know Tanner wouldn't want me to skip the holiday's. My one thing that gets me through the day is knowing that Tanner is not in any pain anymore. I couldn't bare the thought of him still hooked up to all the machines and keeping him alive so I could spend one more day with him. This site has helped me alot because I can express myself and everyone here knows exactly what I am going through. They won't tell me "I understand" when they don't know what it's like to loose a child. I pray for you and your family. If you need to talk I am here...we are here... Cassie

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I have wondered how long it will be before I can get the Christmas decorations (or any decorations for that matter) out of storage and displayed?

This is our first Thanksgiving and Christmas without our Brian and I am dreading every minute.  I cannot even believe the holiday is still coming!  Doesn't Father Time know Brian is dead - It should stop right now and go backwards.  How crazy is that thought!

My mother died 2-7-08 and I inherited thousands of decorations.  I have begun storing them in a small room under the stairs in the basement and I wish they would just disapear.

I know I sound terrible and that is exactly how I feel.  We have one great thing to look forward to.  My family of 4 (we used to be 5) and a friend for each of my surviving children (6 people total) are traveling to Miami Beach for the week of Christmas.  I scheduled this trip in June right after Brian was killed.  I need a change of scenery.

Is anyone else finding the holidays a very painful time?  I feel like a scrooge.

Colleen  Brian's Mom Forever.

 

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This will be our second Christmas without our son Avery, we're finding this year much more difficult, around this time last year we were still in shock from his passing.

Although, last year we were deeply touched by a group of his friends, they showed up at our door one evening close to Christmas,  they all had Santa hats on, they dragged out all our decorations from the basement and decorated our home and the tree (which a neighnour bought for us). We had a special evening with a great group of young adults. They've organized to come back this year and do the same, it's something we have to look forward to.

Dale

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We have not even began to think about holidays.....since every holiday is always planned around Ethan...we just do not know what to do? Today we had a session with our therapist again, who suggested that we at least think about what we want to do....I don't know what we can possibly do...all I want to do is just stay in my room and cry.

Yes Colleen, that is exactly how I feel....How can life just continue?...everyone just goes on as planned...Ethan loved the holiday season....He loved assisting with the decorations etc...being able to see his cousins again etc.....This coming thursday it will be one month...we are still struggling to breathe..let alone planning a holiday. I cannotgo through the day with falling apart at least a few times - My husband and 2 daughters are also struggling....We just sit here with Ethan's pictures, videos...

There is nothing we are looking forward too now...maybe next week...but now...there is nothing.

Enid...Ethansmuffin

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We are so scared - we are not looking forward at all - as a matter of fact we cannot even begin to think what we can or want to do.....

We have to do something for the sake of the girls...At the moment we do not speak a lot...we just cry...and sit quiet...so it is quite a struggle to plan anything now...we are struggling to plan for dinner...let alone the holidays.

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We are so scared - we are not looking forward at all - as a matter of fact we cannot even begin to think what we can or want to do.....

We have to do something for the sake of the girls...At the moment we do not speak a lot...we just cry...and sit quiet...so it is quite a struggle to plan anything now...we are struggling to plan for dinner...let alone the holidays.

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Our first Christams without Joshua was about 6 months after he died.  It gave us some more healing time that you haven't had in between.  Only one month out for you right now is so heart breaking.  We decorated our son's grave with a Christmas theme.  We didn't worry about Christmas lights at home but we did do a little Christmas tree.  We picked out an ornament in honor Joshua.  I cried in the mall as I went to get presents for my living children.  So many memories.  So much hurt.  I cried taking pictures of the kids on Christmas...there should have been 4 musketeers...the number was off and it hurt so much. 

One suggestion from a bereaved parent site was to put up a stocking for my son and have friends and families send a little memory or story about Joshua and  we put them all in the stocking and then pull them out and read them on Christmas.  We didn't do that but I thought it was a neat idea.  We did try to include his memory in our Christmas.  He will always be a part of our family events.  We talk about him and create new traditions that keep honor him in all our events. 

Remember to only do what you feel able to do.  Don't feel pressured into things because other people have offered.  Be kind to yourself and your family.  This is a time of mourning and grieving when everyone else is celebrating.  Remember, Jesus wept.  Even on the day we celebrate his birth, He understands grieving and will not be offended how every you spend the day.  No rules, no commercialized Christmas is necessary.  Family and love and memories are what is important this holiday as you miss Ethan.

Sal

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Shorty, This will be our second Christmas with out our little Jayme. I to hate the holidays now. But like you last year we went away for Christmas. The best thing we ever did.  It is hard to do because when that was the first vacation we took with out her but I took her blanket with us and then we cried and laughed at night telling stories about her. We are going to Florda this year for the holidays. I still can not bring myself to bring out the decorations. But I have begun decorating her head stone for the holidays. I started with the Memorial day so her friends knew she was truely special. Halloween was one of her favorites and I had spider webs all over her headstone. It was the only one in the cemetary like it. I now decorated for Xmas out there. I have a wreath with one orderment for each Christmas with out her. I also bought an ordiment on our trip last year for her and plan to buy one this year on our trip and maybe someday I will bring myself to put the tree up in the house again and put them on it to represent her on our trips with us.  Carrie

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I HAVE DECIDED TO DECORATE (A TREE AT LEAST) KOURTNEY HAS BEEN GONE 5 MONTHS, AND THE LAST THING WE BOUGHT TOGETHER WAS THESE DECORATIONS...SO IM PUTTING THEM ON THE TREE LIKE SHE WANTED....IM GONNA CRY BUT IM GOING TO DO IT...

MY OTHER 2 KIDS WILL HELP ME, AND I THEM

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Enid, I usually post on the LOSS OF AN ADULT CHILD, my girl was 19 when she died 5.5 years ago. I still have not pulled out my decorations, have not had a Christmas tree since she was here, just have not had it in me. I also do not have yournger children and so I have been able to make decisions without that concern. Your Son, Ethan is gorgeous, and while you are in the absolute hardest moments of loss, know tha the will always be your Son, you will always be his Mother, his Muffin. He will love you forever, and one day when some of the memories soften, (this takes time and effort that you cannot work on now), you will feel his love in many different ways. He is with you, with his family and friends in so many ways. Talk to him, let yourselft tell him what is in your heart, it needn't stay there, unspoken, let it free into the air, he is there. Bless you as you find your way, but be kind and take your time. There are not easy routes, just forward, and one hour at a time. Drink plenty of juices and water, mourning and grief zaps your energy and dehydrates you as you cry. Gather the kids and tell them that you just don't have the energy to do much right now, that old traditions just do't feel good now, so perhaps together you could make a short list of things that sound okay to do as a family.

Peace one day,

Dee

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