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Feeling Lost and Guilty...


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I found my best friend and companion on the 8th Sept 2014.


I went to his house and found he had passed... at the time I went into autopilot and managed everything fairly calmly.


I covered his body, called the local priest for prayers... dealt with the police, coroner , undertakers - locked up his house. I even took his dirty washing and disposed of it to preserve his dignity.


That night Went I got home I crumbled completely.


The next day I called his friend who was executor of his estate and spoke what had happened - the shock, the emptiness, the despair. 


I asked his friend what would happen to my companions belongings.. "Oh I can't be bothered with it all - I'll hand everything over to solicitors to deal with, I expect they will do a house clearance". I asked but what about momentos - I would at least like the personal gifts between my companion and myself..."Oh I can't think about that now...the solicitors will deal with it".


Thats when I felt sick... I couldn't bare the thought that my gifts to the man I love would end up in a skip, or an auction room...I then done something that I bitterly regret..I took some (not all) of the gifts I had bought my companion over the years. It was like I was having a out of body experience - I could see myself doing it and shouting "No" it's wrong, but i did it. I guess, I wanted to feel close - that via the gifts we  had bought each other, that he was still here with me...and it wasn't true..like turning back the clocks to a time when I had just bought them for him and was planning on giving him the surprise.


Nothing was a big ticket item...just little nik-naks, mugs, fridge magnets, scarf, letter opener, photos etc... but each meant something to us and had a story behind each item.


I can't believe that I have done it. I am a christian and a firm believer and I have never done anything wrong before. I can't believe after doing so much for my companion before and after his death - that I allowed grief to cloud my judgement and I finally ended up letting my friend down.




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You didn't do anything wrong!!  As his companion, and the items being personal gifts you gave him, you are entitled to have those back!!  The executor should be the person riddled with guilt for brushing you off the way he did.


I'm a Christian too and I don't think there is anything wrong with taking items that technically belonged to you.  Your companion probably guided you into going back for them.

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