Lost and angry

[lobstahkiller]

I lost my partner almost two months ago. He was technically my ex-partner, since we broke up shortly before he died. But we lived together for years.

 

Anyhow, I'm wondering if anyone found that their partner was hiding things from them that they found out only after their death? In my case, it was drugs, but I'm wondering if anyone else experienced something like that? He was hiding a habit, for years. And it has left me reeling.

Also, probably because of the drugs, he was treating me pretty badly. Which is why I left (not knowing the root cause of everything).

 

Sometimes I feel like no one can relate to me, and I am this crazy person who is just living this existence that no one knows about. When people hear my story, I often hear an audible gasp. I feel like I can only relate to people who know my whole story already.

 

I also feel like the addiction people don't understand the grief, and the grief people don't understand the addiction.

And the friends and family who rejoiced when we broke up (because he was not very nice to me) don't understand why I'm so upset.

 

Thanks for reading.

[MissingDaniel]

I can understand much of what you are feeling.  I lost my husband of 15 years last year to an overdose.  Our first few years together, he was hiding an opiate addiction.  I eventually found out about it, but by then we had children together and I was determined to help him if I could and make it work.  I learned the hard lesson that you can't help someone unless they are willing and ready to help themselves.  There were many times that I came close to walking away because of the way his addiction caused him to treat me.  Finally, 4 years ago, we dealt with the problem by moving away from it, and he got clean.  At that point, I was very thankful that I had stayed with him and fought for our family.  Unfortunately, he lost his grandfather last year to a sudden illness, and traveled back where we used to live for the funeral.  During his week there, he reconnected with an old friend, and put himself in a bad place where he was tempted to use.  That one time cost him his life.

 

I can imagine the kinds of things you were dealing with that caused you to end your relationship.  Most people I knew at the time thought I was crazy for NOT doing so.  There were some after he died that actually expressed something along the lines of "well, you're better off anyway," even though he had completely changed. That was very hurtful, because despite everything that happened, I loved him with all my heart and don't know that I could ever have left him.  But I'm sure you felt like you had no choice.  I would say to you that addiction turns people into something completely different, and makes them do some very bad things.  But I learned to blame the addiction and not the person.  Try to remember the best things about him, and not dwell on the sickness that was making him behave otherwise.  Losing someone to addiction, or someone who is in an addictive process is a special sort of loss, and it is true that not everyone will understand.  You might do well to attend Alanon or Narcanon at some point to help you understand what he was going through and why he did certain things, so that you can better separate his illness from who he was.

 

I am truly sorry for your loss, and hope that you can find some peace.  It will take some time.