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My marriage is about to end...n I feel dead!!

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I'm married for almost 7 years. I was such a happy girl when I met my husband. I was flying for an airline and traveling was my lifeline. He wanted me to quit and relocate to india for him n I did so. Everything was perfect before marriage. I moved in with him, where he lived with his big family of 5! Right after marriage, I felt a change in him. Communication, time spent together, sharing problems, romance, sex was all never part of my marriage. I was devastated. I did try talking to him if he needs to see a doctor. That hurt his huge ego. Somehow I got pregnant in 6 months but I did not want to bring a child in an absurd marriage. We both decided we will wait to have a baby and now he blames me telling his family I went behind his back. Lucky I have all the proof needed. Anyway, before the pregnancy, and the first 3 months of my marriage, I found letters from his ex fiancé where she mentioned very painfully that he doesn't touch her and she wants to know y. They were engaged 2 years. He had told me it was just a year. I saw a similar pattern in my marriage. Sex was so awkward, no foreplay, no kissing, no nothing. I would cry to sleep. N it was as infrequent as once in 2 months. It was a miracle I had even conceived.

Well, the very next year if my marriage, he started having an affair which I discovered afte 2 years. He blamed me for it. And I was by then already a victim of low self esteem, I believed him and toiled to impress him but I wasn't ever good enough. We lived like strangers and yet I did everything for him. I have no clue how I survived. I must have been such a desperate soul.

After 4 years of no sex and manipulating me Into remaining servile, he finally came back to me in nov 2013. Because he wanted a family. He suggested ivf so he doesn't have to touch me. But it required him to do a few medical tests which he didn't want to go thru so he decided to give me emotionless awkward no foreplay no kissing weird sex. N a lot of pressure to conceive. Meanwhile after trying to conceive for 4 months I made a couple of new friends who helped lift my self esteem, they made me see how beautiful I am inside out, they made me realize I'm living such a compromised life. My husband has never given me anything emotionally. He buys me stuff to keep me going.

He forbid me from seeing these friends and I wasn't taking more **** from him. I left. I stay with my folks now. It's been almost 4 months, we have been telling them to pls sign the mutual consent divorce but he has given the reins to his father and doesn't take any calls in his own. Such a sissy at 34!! His father being a lawyer is giving me a tough time.

I still love him and I have no clue why!! I wish he wud realize what he has done to me, my soul. I wish he wud take up for me and move out with me to work on the marriage. But it's not gonna happen.

I'm not as bad as I was when he first cheated. But it hurts like hell coz I was definitely more involved in the relationship than he ever was. I took him to various marriage counselors n went to a few myself. He never follows up. I was never allowed to see his emails or touch his phone, I don't know the friends he has out of the city, I don't know his financial details, his work, his plans.

I'm dying to be free, put this all behind me and stand on my feet. I wS a housewife for all these years. I ruined my life, my career, my self. But I'm positive things will start rolling soon. God is good, I will work hard and make a living for myself. Love has eluded me for long but it will seek me one day on it's own.

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I just saw this posting..It has been awhile since you wrote this..I hope you are doing well, it seems like you have been thru a lot. The disrespect for the sanctity of marriage,and the lack of overall respect that people would have for one another in this time that we live in was foretold in the bible at 2 Timothy 3:1-3 it reads  "But know this, that in the last days critical times hard to deal with will be here. 2  For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, haughty, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, disloyal, 3  having no natural affection, not open to any agreement, slanderers, without self-control, fierce, without love of goodness." This reads like the local newspaper..but focus on the first sentence, it says in the last days..this signifies that these things will come to an end. But how, and is this realistic to think that this will occur.

When we have been emotionally scarred, and traumatized, we may ask God why, and sometimes even blame him for bad things that happen to us, and those that we love. For answers that bring hope to us in these last days please visit this link. http://www.jw.org/en/bible-teachings/questions/

May you find peace, and true happiness.

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