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My good son


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I lost my only child, Michael last year.  He was a good son.  I still don't understand.  Never will.  Michael was murdered by someone he didn't even know.  The man who killed him is still awaiting trial.  I would never have dreamed that this would be happening.  I still have to go through a trial.  Like the loss of my only child can ever be compensated for.  The only thing that is real is that I no longer can talk to him or see him.  My heart cries every day.  I still look for him, I still hope that this is all a dream,  But I know it isn't.  Some days I just don't want to move.  I go to work and try to hide my pain, my hopelessness.  One of my coworkers told me that my smile isn't real anymore.  She was right.  The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that one day I will see him again, this I must believe otherwise there is no reason for anything.  Michael was the best thing that I ever had, he was my life.  That is what our children are, they are our reason for living.  Now I am facing a trial, I want it to be over.  I don't want it to start.  I am scared.  Terrified.  I must relive it all.  I will never understand how someone can take anothers life.  My son was a good son.  He loved me.  I loved him.  We grew up together.  We had many ups and downs,  We still found a way in life regardless of all the obstables that were placed in front of us.  Michael was only 34.  He had two beautiful girls who now must deal with this horror also.  I pray every day for God to let me go be with my son.  I wonder each morning why I woke up.  How am I supposed to keep gong on?  No one understands.  I have lost many in my life.  Nothing compares to this.  If Michael had died in a car wreck, a drug overdose, natural causes, it would have been no less devastating.  But to be shot and killed by another human being.  That is so............I don't even have words for it.  That is how I feel.  Lost.  Michael was shot three times, the last shot was done after he was lying on the ground.  A head shot to make sure he was gone.  Dead.  That is a hard word to say.  His girlfriend was there.  I wish I had been there, I would have been the one shot.  But I wasn't.  No it was not drug related.  As I said as far as I know he did not know the man who killed him.  And even worse the man who killed (another hard word) him was only charged with second degree murder.  I don't understand this.  But then I am just a poor woman.  No one at the proscecuter's office tells me much.  They only say that they can't.  They will sit down and talk to me when the trial date is set, which will only be weeks before the trial.  I wonder how other people find out things?  I try but when I go there and push it takes too much out of me.  It brings it all back.  How the police officer who told me looked.  How I didn't sleep for months.  How I woke up every night at the time of the shooting.  How I would stand outside and talk to the sky.  And it is happening again now.  I want to know that my beautiful son is okay.  I want to know why?    Why do we loose our hopes and dreams?  I am no stranger to death.  My own father died when I was eleven.  Now my grandchildren must live with the worse.  Their father was murdered.  I must live with it.  I work in hospice.  I see death frequently.  I have held many a hand and watched death happen.  This is different.  My father and brother have died of natural causes.  My son was murdered.  His life was taken.  By another.  This is not right.  Nothing can make it right.  To bury a child killed by a another is unbelievable.  The loss of a child is hard no matter how it happens but this is just wrong.  And now a trial to finally give me the facts.  Yeah they will let me have a week or so to digest the facts.  I have requested frequently to have more time between the trial and them letting me know the facts to no avail.  It wasn't their child.  They don't care.  They are busy.  I see folks on tv who get the facts as soon as they happen.  I guess that they have money or lawyers.  I couldn't even afford my son's funeral.  No one here to back me.  Just payments.  They will show me pictures, the prosecuter.  Of my son.  After,  That is how I see him now.  In the casket.  I didn't even know what to do.  We had never talked of him dying.  He was healthy.  I asj God to tell me how to deal with all of this.  As I said I deal with death frequently.  I understand grief.  I don't understand murder.  It is different.  It is just so wrong.  Sorry.  I just needed to vent.  And for anyone still reading I want to tell you that I had the most beautiful, the best and most kind son that a mother could ever have.  He was my good son.  I love you Michael.


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Lisa I am so very sorry for your loss of your son Michael. I understand the horror of your son's death and that you are searching for understanding and support. on this site under a" loss of an adult child" you will find fine people that hold you up and hold your hand . please try to go to that thread

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

I am truly sorry for the loss of your son, Michael. Your questions and the feelings are very normal.


My son was killed by someone who ran him over while he was driving in his own lane to his doctor's appointment. She had been charged with vehicular homicide but ran before the trial. So without her there is no trial. There is a nationwide warrant out for her arrest.


We had trouble getting cooperation from law enforcement too. There should be a Crime Victim Advocate at your county level. Usually in the prosecutors office. However, our CVA was terrible. We had to go to the state level, the Attorney General Office which also has a division for victims of crimes. Here are the links for your state:






Florida Crime Victims' Bill of Rights

Victims of crime or their lawful representatives, including the next of kin of homicide victims, are entitled to the right to be informed, to be present, and to be heard when relevant, at all crucial stages of criminal proceedings, to the extent that these rights do not interfere with the constitutional rights of the accused.

Florida Constitutional Amendment, Article I

Sec. 16. Rights of accused and of victims
(a) In all criminal prosecutions the accused shall, upon demand, be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation against him, and shall be furnished a copy of the charges, and shall have the right to have compulsory process for witnesses, to confront at trial adverse witnesses, to be heard in person, by counsel or both, and to have a speedy and public trial by impartial jury in the county where the crime was committed. If the county is not known, the indictment or information may charge venue in two or more counties conjunctively and proof that the crime was committed in that area shall be sufficient; but before pleading the accused may elect in which of those counties he will be tried. Venue for prosecution of crimes committed beyond the boundaries of the state shall be fixed by law.

(Victims of crime or their lawful representatives, including the next of kin of homicide victims, are entitled to the right to be informed, to be present, and to be heard when relevant, at all crucial stages of criminal proceedings, to the extent that these rights do not interfere with the constitutional rights of the accused.


There is also money available from the state, the Attorney Generals Office, to take care of such needs as burial, headstone other.........here is the link to the brochure from your state. You will be able to apply for funds from them:




Copy of text from their brochure:





Victim or intervenor as defined in Chapter 960 of the Florida Statutes.


A surviving spouse or parent of a deceased victim.


A surviving adult child or sibling of a deceased victim.


A guardian applying for a minor child victim, incompetent person, surviving minor child of a deceased victim, surviving minor sibling of a deceased victim; a minor that was present at the scene of a crime, who saw or heard the crime, and suffered psychological or psychiatric injury as a result of the crime; a minor victim of child abuse who suffered a mental injury.


A relative applying on behalf of a deceased victim when there is no other source for payment of funeral expenses.


Any other person who was dependent for his or her principal support upon a deceased victim or intervenor.


(Additional qualification criteria and deadlines apply.)


Victims who suffered personal physical, psychiatric or psychological injury or death, as the result of a crime. Some exceptions and limited

benefits may apply for victims who did not sustain a personal physical injury or death.


Crime must be reported to law enforcement within 72 hours. Exceptions for good cause are not available for property loss claims.


Application must be filed within one year after the crime date or within two years if good cause is shown for the filing delay.


Victim must fully cooperate with law enforcement, the State Attorney’s Office, and the Attorney General’s office.


Victim must not have been engaged in an unlawful activity.


Victim's conduct must not have contributed to the situation that brought about his or her own injuries.


Victim or claimant must not have been confined or in custody in a county or municipal facility; a state or federal correctional facility; or a

juvenile detention, commitment, or assessment facility; adjudicated as a habitual felony offender, habitual violent offender, violent career

criminal; or adjudicated guilty of a forcible felony offense.


Relocation claims for victims of domestic violence or sexual battery must be filed through and certified by the applicable domestic violence

shelter or rape crisis center. Domestic violence claims must be reported to the proper authorities and submitted to the department within 30

days from the date of crime.



A completed and signed victim compensation claim application.


A law enforcement offense report documenting proof of a compensable crime.


Proof of crime-related expenses (for example, itemized bills).


Proof of third-party payments such as insurance, restitution, judgments or settlements.


For relocation benefits, certification by a certified domestic violence shelter or rape crisis center.

Submit a completed and signed

claim application to:

Bureau of Victim Compensation

The Capitol, PL-01

Tallahassee, FL 32399-1050


by email:





When your claim is received, you may be asked to provide

specific medical and financial information. You should

gather materials related to the crime and have them

available if requested.

You are not required to have an attorney in order to file a

claim, and there is no application fee.





Also, here is a link to the National Organization of Parents of Murdered Children:



I would also recommend the book, No Time for Goodbyes by Janice Harris Lord.


I am sorry for the loss of your dear son....it is hard --- so hard -- when someone else kills your child.


We mostly post in the Loss of an Adult Child thread...it is an active group of caring parents there...

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Thank you for your replies.  I just need to vent at times.  I miss my son always.  He was a good son.  He never thought that he was....I will love him always.  Thank you.  Lisa

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I echo Laura.  My son, Brooks, was also murdered last year. He was also my only child.  Only he was killed by someone he knew.  The other man was kind of stalking a girl "friend" of my son's and she called Brooks to help her out.  Brooks spoke with the man for only a few minutes and he left.  Brooks and Danielle then went inside.  Unfortunately, the guy went to his car, got a gun, came in the house and shot my son in the head, and then also killed himself.  It was only 10 minutes of his life...yet what devastation.  I don't think I could have gone through this last year with a trial as well.  Although, maybe some of my questions would be answered then.  We did have a Victim's Advocate from the county help us out.  Money was also provided for some of the funeral expenses.  The detectives were very supportive of us and answered all of our questions.  They worked hard to get his effects to us, and made sure we understood that Brooks would have been totally unaware.  I hope that is really the truth.  I don't want to see any of the pictures.  So many days I also remember the police officer coming to our door and telling us our son was deceased.  One year...hard to fathom.  There is hope, Lisa.  I truly want you to know that.  I have been searching for it for a year now, and I have found a little.  I know there is more out there.  Please visit with us on the "Loss of Adult Child" forum.  They are like family to me now.  Wouldn't be here without them.  I will be thinking of you and hoping you read this and tell us more.

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I thank everyone for their replies.  I have been in touch with the state, they think that you don't get to know too much until right before the trial, and as far as help on expenses the state decided that since my son had been in trouble before that I could not get any help with funeral expenses.  Yeah punish me some more.  I think it isn't right that I have to wait until a week or so before the trial to get the information but that is how it goes here.  As they put it the victim's family has very few rights. 

I did  get a call from the victim's advocate today.  Looks like the trial will be in October, I am scared.  I am not sure that I can do this.  I already lost him once now I must relive it all again.  Sometimes I wonder why God punishes me so much.  I want to remember my son as the beautiful man that he was, I don't want to remember him as he died.  But I know that I must be there to support him.  I still wonder how anyone can take anothers life.  I see death frequently in my job, but nothing compares to this.  I will never be ready for this, I am just now getting to where I can smile and mean it.   I feel like I am now going backwards.  I just wish it was over.  I hoped that I would not live to see this day, I hoped that the man would just say he was guilty and spare us.  I know I must go through the torment of a trial and I will do my best to be there through it all.    The pictures will be torture.  I know.  But I wasn't there for him when he needed me the most, so now I have to be there to be his advocate.  And I will always wonder why.  A parent is not supposed to outlive her child.  And nothing will change that thought. 

Thank you all again.  And I will try to visit in the forum you suggested.  I just wanted everyone to know that my son was a very good son, a beautiful son that should still be here with me.  Love you Michael.  Always......

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Posted by my son on facebook.  Wanted to share it again.  I just wish..........



i want to be remembered for all the love i gave not the hurt i caused. cause i love with all my heart and soul. and the hurt was not intentional. never was. pain comes with loving someone. but u cant be happy all the time. if love were all good times then it wouldnt mean as much. u have to have bad to have good because the bad makes the good worth while. always remember that.

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