My fiancee

[dcell59]

Last month, I lost my father and my fiancee, 5 days apart (their deaths were not related). My fiancee died due to complications of epilepsy. I came home to find her dead on the floor. She had almost certainly had a seizure and she appeared to have been unable to breathe because of the position she was in. In a very weird coincidence, she died exactly 2 years to the day after our first date. She never got to see the gifts I had gotten her for our anniversary.

 

Our relationship was not an easy one. She had a mixture of personality disorders (Paranoid and Obsessive-Compulsive, as well as other traits), and she had a rough life. Personality disorders are genetic, and she had a difficult time with her mother (who had in turn had a difficult time with hers). She lived with epilepsy. She left college to get married. Her second child was an invalid - he was only 2 months old mentally, and she took care of him for 17 years. She home-schooled her other two sons, which further isolated her family. Her husband abused her and was forced to leave their home. This meant that she had to take whatever job she could, and she never had much of a career.

 

One thought that makes me happy is that even if her death was inevitable, I made the last two years of her life magical. When we met, her youngest son was almost 18 and would be leaving home. She would have to sell her home because she could not afford to refinance on her salary. She also couldn't afford to fix the house up, so she would be lucky to walk away with enough to pay the mortgage. She would not be able to afford a house or apartment alone, but she could not live with someone else because of her personality disorders. She might have ended up living in her car with her dog, and her car barely ran as it was. With me, she was able to breathe and enjoy life. I was able to lend her money and she made a significant profit on her house, most of which went to her sons. She had a nice new place to live, where she could decorate and garden and do all of the craft projects she loved. Since I was paying for our living expenses, she could for the first time ever buy nice things for herself without the dreaded "budget". She got to go on new adventures - including learning to whitewater kayak (which she was very good at). I know in my heart that the last two years of her life were the best times she ever had.

 

Now I am just starting to go through the mechanics of dealing with her death. Because she was my fiancee, and not my wife, all of her belongings are rightfully her sons' property. One just got married a week ago, and they are both in the process of moving. I am still taking care of her dog, though the sons will take the dog soon. I still have tons of stuff to go through - despite the short time we were together, our stuff got all mixed in together. It really hurts when her sons come over and start with the "this is mine, this is mine" as they see stuff from their old house. In some cases, we gave away or sold my items because hers was better, so some of that stuff also belongs to me in a way. Plus, I don't really want to give it away.

 

Do I regret anything? Well, there was never a day that went by that I didn't tell her I loved her. There was never a day that went by that I didn't show her I loved her. We used to say that we were "a great us", and we were. When we went out, whether it was to get the mail or go shopping or our to dinner, we held hands. We held hands in public and in private. I was never afraid to kiss her in public. We enjoyed each other's company immensely. There are two things I do regret. One is that she never got to meet my family. We were going to visit them in September, and I will still be going, but she will never get to meet them in person and they will never get to meet her. The other is that I don't have any video recordings or audio recordings of her or us together. My next partner will have to put up with this - I'm not going to lose that again.

[bepositive]

You sound like a very insightful guy with a remarkable ability to put things in perspective despite emotion.  Let's be honest, during such times emotions run high which often result in fights and arguments that can add fuel to an already stressful situation.  I am sad to hear that her sons seem to be greatly concerned about the material things they will get and not allowing everyone to work together for the greater good of your fiancee's memory.  Sadly, such behavior isn't uncommon. I've seen it in my own family.  Anticipation of what might be gained financially can fuel greedy behavior from what would normal be kind and nice people.  For some of the items that have sentimental value, you might consider asking them if you could buy it from them.  Or take pictures of them so that you can look at them and have sort of a call back of the memories. Just a thought.  Even though the sons are taking some of the stuff, it sounds to me like you are the one still left with all the "wealth".  Your experience made me think of something I read in the Bible earlier this week, "There is more happiness is giving than there is in receiving.” Your having lived that is priceless. Many people live their entire lives being selfish and thinking of themselves most if not all of the time.   May Almighty God continue to help you during this time and may the fond memories of your fiancee continue to be a source of comfort in the days, weeks, months and years to come. 

[dcell59]

I think in this case it was just that they were a little rushed and still emotional. I mean, I'm not talking about something really valuable. For example, there were some garden tools - a shovel, a pick, and a rake. About a year ago, she and I looked at the garden tools and saw that we had a lot of duplicates, so we decided which was the better one in each case and we donated the others. Some of the ones we kept were mine, and some were hers, but I figured that since we donated the other ones, these became "ours". It wasn't a big deal to replace them, and the news ones I got are a lot nicer. But, it still felt like I was taken out of the loop.

 

But you are right - my memories are the real wealth in the relationship. I also have to remember - these guys just lost their mother. Her things are reminders of her, and that's important to them.

 

I did realize something this weekend that is kind of awesome. I use Google Voice as my main number, and I have a bunch of recorded voicemails from her. It's so great to hear her voice again.

[bepositive]

What a blessing from God that you were able to find those vmails. I am so happy for you.   I just have to say this again, you appear to be extremely insightful and willing to display empathy.  A quality certainly lacking in the world today.  My mother currently has dementia so she is at the non speaking stage.  How nice it would be to hear her voice again with the same love and sincerity that was there before she got ill.  i have found comfort in the Bibles promise that one day sickness and death will no longer  be. Rev 21:3-4.   I have also found much peace in knowing that one day God has promised a resurrection of all those in his memory.  John 5:28-29.  I can't tell you how becoming convinced of the truthfulness of that promise has been an anchor for my soul.  It has helped me to look to the future with hope. 

 

I hope that you will be able to keep in touch with your fiancee's kids.  Whenever you need to talk, I am available. I don't aggressively check this website as i get busy as a husband and a father.   But feel free to send an email to me at wydermyerktd@yahoo.com. I enjoy sharing Bible truths with others as it has greatly helped me to find answers to life's big questions ( such as why does God permit suffering, what happens at death, and etc) and as I mentioned earlier giving me real hope.   

 

Look forward to hearing from you.  Keith