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I don't know what I'm feeling.


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My mom abused and neglected me as a child. I lost her on July 4th, we never had a close relationship after we were taken from her, I have hardly left the house, cried on and off and I refuse to accept it. I've taken a downturn, my eating habits have gotten bad, I've stopped working out, I have a worse attitude at work, I just need help, please.

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dayzed and confused



I am really sorry for your loss.  I understand the pain you are feeling.  I can imagine you weren't expecting to have an intense reaction to your mom's passing, given your history.  I had a difficult relationship with my mom, and had nightmares for the first few weeks after she passed.  It took me back to my childhood, and the bad memories that came from having an alcoholic mother who did not know how to cope, and a father who dismissed her concerns and worries.  While I don't want to make this post about me, I thought I was prepared for my mom's passing.  She had been ill for a few years, unable to complete normal daily tasks due to her medical conditions and dementia .   While I was able to care for her on weekends and manage the situation with my sisters, it was very, very stressful.   Mom eventually died from heart failure after having broken her hip.  I was devastated by her death, and I was so surprised by my own emotion.  It has been 10 weeks since she passed, and I still am upset when my mind wanders to the image of her body in the hospital bed. 


I couldn't reconcile the logic to my emotions.  Why would I be so upset that mom was finally at peace? 


I think, in part, I was grieving the loss of myself.  My identity - even if you don't have the perfect relationship with your mother, it is a significant relationship in your life.  She helped form who you are.  Losing your mom when you did not have a good relationship with her, makes you grieve not having had a better relationship with her. 


I turned to my own daughters and am committed to having the best, healthiest relationship with them that I can.  They are both over 18, but you only have one mom.  


Try to focus on the healthy relationships in your life, and spend time with people who won't make you feel badly for feeling badly. 


I will keep you in my prayers, and I hope you begin to find a "new normal" soon. 



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