New here: we lost our baby girl

[missingaddie]

We found out on Saturday, June 17, 2011, the day before Father’s Day, that I was pregnant! After confirmation by three home pregnancy tests – and the sudden and prominent onset of morning all-day sickness – we called our families on Father’s Day to share the exciting news.

Everyone was soooo excited…this would be the first grandchild on both sides of the family!

We hadn’t been “trying”…we just weren’t trying to prevent it. I honestly never thought at our age (41 + 42 at the time) that it would ever happen…I was so overjoyed and excited! We both were.

We got a referral from a friend to an ob/gyn and had our first appointment less than a week later. I was really disappointed that they didn’t do an ultrasound that day, but they explained that my hCG levels had to be 2,000+ and the Dr. didn’t think they would be high enough yet so they had to wait for the bloodwork to come back to find out. This was on a Friday and they scheduled us to go back on Monday, either for an ultrasound or more blood work, depending on the hCG level.

On Monday when we arrived they whisked us straight into an ultrasound room. I said, “I guess my hCG level was over 2,000?” She laughed and said, “Um, yeah. 108,000!”

Yep. Definitely pregnant. 

I don’t think anything can prepare you for the way you feel when you first see your baby, heart beating and all, on the monitor. Though I expected to see it, I still cried from such an overwhelming sense of joy.

A new, tiny little life! Inside me!! It was just so amazing. My husband was equally overwhelmed and so happy.

And hearing the heartbeat…it was so strong, and so fast! It was truly the best sound I’ve ever heard in my life.

They gave us an original due date of February 9th, 2012, and after the ultrasound she said the baby measured 7 weeks, 4 days, which put us at February 12. Because the dates were less than a week apart, they explained that we’d keep the original due date of February 9.

Over the next few weeks our life really changed. We started making plans for the nursery, started our baby registry, picked out baby names, bought maternity clothes, and our baby’s first little outfit. We talked with our parents – the grandparents – about plans over the next year for holidays, visits, etc. We looked at life insurance options and discussed who would be named in our will as a guardian(s) of our child should something happen to us. I researched childcare options.

It was glorious.

I was horribly sick allllllllll the time, and my husband had to fend for himself each night at dinner time because I couldn’t cook (the smells….ewwwwwww) but we didn’t mind. It was all for a great cause.

We went to see the perinatologist for the first time about a month later for our NT scan (an ultrasound that looks for abnormalities in the baby). We had genetic counseling first and learned that I am not a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis, SMA, or Fragile X; all great news. We went through both our families’ health histories, which are free of just about everything – and basically the outcome was that we were at a low risk for any abnormalities – other than the higher risk due to our age.

We were feeling great…so excited to see the baby again!

We went in to the ultrasound room, and the moment she scanned the baby I knew something was wrong.

I just froze and braced myself. I couldn’t speak. I could not breathe.

The baby looked too small. She was all curled up, and not moving.

There was no heartbeat.

The tech was silent, and kept scanning. She finally said, “I have to get the Dr. to confirm, but I’m not finding a heartbeat.”

She walked out and my husband reached over and grabbed my hand. I will never forget the look on his face. He was destroyed. We were destroyed.

The doctor confirmed that there was no heartbeat and said the baby measured only about 9 weeks, which meant that she had died about two weeks prior. She would have been 11 weeks gestation the next day.

He said the baby most likely had an abnormality that was incompatible with life, and that there was nothing we could have done to prevent this.

He explained that I could either have a D&C, or I could wait until my body passed the baby and surrounding tissues on its own.

The next day to my pre-op appointment. I would have my D&C the next day at the hospital. I thought I would be delivering my baby there…I certainly never imagined I would be going there for this. It was really, really hard walking in there for the surgery…and past Labor & Delivery.

At times I just feel so sad and so empty. I miss my baby so much. It hits me in waves; often when I least expect it. She'd be two and a half now, had she survived.

[himesla74]

Dear Missingaddie, I too feel your pain. We too went thru the same, lost an angel in the womb at 35 weeks this Aug 14,2014. A boy, Zachary. It is one of those times where no one can say the right things to help you understand why this happened. We are on an emotional rollercoaster, but I am convinced as long as my husband and I talk openly( he's working at it) we will survive to have another. I hope this helps.