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My mom passed away suddenly yesterday...


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I don't think I will ever be able to forget what happened yesterday...


My father and mother drove me to work, as they usually do, and dropped me off shortly after 1:00PM. My mom seemed perfectly fine. I started work and then, around 6:05PM, my manager calls me to the front and there, my manager is standing with my supervisor, and my aunt is there along with one of my cousins. The first thing my aunt does is give me a hug and tells me we need to go, and I just look at her confusingly, and then to my manager, who also tells me that I need to leave, so I do, and as we're walking out, my aunt is trying to hold back tears and tells me that my mom went to lay down for a little while and my dad couldn't wake her up when she wanted to be called...


And I'm just in shock as she's telling me this... my aunt was telling me that my mom is gone... just like that...


I didn't say or even feel much as we drove back home. My uncle called my cousin from his phone and told her that we needed to get back fast because they were ready to take her away... but I told my aunt that I didn't want to see her. I didn't want my last memory of her to be after she had passed away. Then, when we pull up, the police and others... I don't know who they were, but there wasn't an ambulance... the police that arrived first after the 911 call had, as I later found out, attempted to revive her but it was too late... at some point between 4:00PM when she went to take a nap and 5:00PM when my dad went to call her, she had already passed away... They still hadn't taken her away yet and my aunt asked me if I wanted her to drive me around the block while they did... and I just told her no, that I would keep my head down and close my eyes, and that's what I did, until they... and her, were gone...


I don't know what happened... but I asked my dad as well as my uncle, who had arrived earlier with my aunt and cousin when my dad called him, if her eyes had been closed and if it looked at all like she had been in pain, but both my dad and uncle said that her eyes were closed, and she looked as if she was just sleeping very peacefully. Hearing that seemed to help... a little... it sounded like whatever happened, she didn't suffer... it sounded like she just went to sleep and never woke up...


I didn't cry hardly at all yesterday. Today, I have cried and I know I'll cry again before the day is over. I knew my mom was getting up there in age, she was 69, and I knew that it was bad she had smoked for so long, but she had cut back and she didn't have any noticeable disease that could be attributed to smoking, and if she did, there were no warning signs. What I'm trying to say is, while I'm aware smoking can cause a lot of diseases, she wasn't showing any symptoms of anything. What ended up taking her away from us though doesn't matter... it was the sheer suddeness of it that has made this particularly hard on me. If, in fact, she didn't suffer or feel any pain, then I'm so grateful that she dediced to pick that time to rest in bed, so that when whatever happened, happened in her sleep. 


I didn't get to say goodbye to her though, or tell her that I loved her one more time... and what bothers me too is knowing that I didn't tell her how much I loved her, enough. The last thing I said to her and my father after they dropped me off at work that day was an unexcited, "I'll see you tonight, bye," and that was it... the last thing I said to my mother. 


This morning, after I got up after finally getting to sleep last night, I got ready to go with my father to the funeral home, where my uncle and aunt were to meet up with us, but before we left, I couldn't help but go to the closed door that led to her room (my father said he had done it five times throughout the night, hoping it had all just been some bad dream) and open it, and that was the first time I actually broke down and just started crying. I cried on the way to the funeral home, I cried at the funeral home, and later, when we got back, when it came up on 4:00PM (the time she went to take her nap yesterday) I went to her room and just sat next to her empty bed, and for an hour, talked out loud how much I was going to miss her and how much I loved her and how sorry I was we didn't get to do all the things she wanted to do down the road...  I cried on and off, but I stayed there until 5:00PM, which was when my dad found her the other day, already gone...


I was very close to my mom. I can't believe she's gone... forever. To go suddenly and while asleep rather than struggling with a disease or illness that brings pain over the course of months or years before passing away is really the only thing bringing me the slightest bit of comfort right now... but my life still feels a lot emptier and lonely now that she's suddenly gone.


I miss her so much...

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I lost my mother at 68 to lung cancer two months after diagnosis about 6 weeks ago. It's incredibly hard even if you do everything and say everything you possibly could. Maybe if you can make the memory last it'll be worth alot. Just start writing everything that happened recently. I have so many memories of profound things that I'm afraid it's going to drown out the memories of the wonderful day to day routines. 


I'm also dealing with that but for smoking my mother would be with us in all likelihood. All I know is she was an incredibly strong willed person and who wouldn't kowtow to anyone by quitting smoking which is the same personality trait that made her so dedicated to me. And our mothers started smoking in generations where smoking was if anything glamourous. 


Best of luck. The funeral process is brutal and there's no way around it. Hopefully your family will be supportive and understanding. 



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