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how to deal with a spouses suicide

Jac S

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3 weeks ago tomorrow, June 22, 2014 my husband of 15 years committed suicide in our home. I found him about an hour after the fact- my daughter found him first & was in a state of shock not telling me till questioned by police an hour later.  She is 11.  I have so much guilt and anger.  We were having marital issues really bad the last 4 months, our relationship shaky the last 3 years of marriage mostly due to his alchohol and depression and my hormonal changes.  He was seeing a crappy councelor but she was the only one he'd talk to.  He quit drinking on and off but the depression snuck up on him then.  I told him I'd stand by him even though things were bad if he'd get help with his alchohol and depression.  I told him we'd fix him then see what we could do to save our marriage.  I have so much guilt, so much anger.  Things were so bad between us and words said in vain, things left undone.  I wish I could have one more day to try and change his mind, hug him and tell him I love him more than he knows.  I was so consummed by anger the last few months & he buried himself in booze so much that we avoided eachother.  My children and I are getting counceling.  The grief is so unbearable.  I feel numb sometimes like a zombie, then I crumble or get mad.    Can someone help me I feel like I'm living in hell.  I don't know what to do sometimes so I pace or wander....feel so lost, so much to blame, so bad for not being able to save him.....  I cry non-stop at times.  Someone please wake me from this nightmare :( 

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