Lost my mom at age 20

[emuhlee233]

I am 20 years old and I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer a little over 3 months ago. It's starting to feel like the numbness is wearing off and I am just in pain every day. I am depressed too. I'm in college and missed a year of school to be at home with her. I am back at school trying to finish my degree out of state since I only have a year left before I can graduate but it is just so lonely. No one understands and every time I talk to people I never noticed it before but it seems like the topics of moms and death come up a lot. It's weird how you never notice those things until they are all you think about. I don't know many people in my situation though I do know people who have lost a parent, often they were younger and it was their dad. Losing a parent of any nature is painful but depending on which one you lost it is a unique loss. Any loss is unique, even among my family the loss hurts my sisters and my dad and me differently. Yesterday was the first time I truly realized that she's gone and I'll never see her again. Handling the stresses of everyday life on top of this really hurts. And it's hard to be away from my family right now. I know it will make me stronger in the end to get my degree and then go home, but most of the time I feel so lonely and miss my family. I also don't have a super close group of friends to hang out with at school this summer, though I do have a really close friend and my boyfriend who are helpful but they don't understand the loss. Also I have been having a lot of problems with my boyfriend lately.. I think I'm really afraid of losing him and also am just so overwhelmed by grief that the little things get blown out of proportion. I'm scared that I am pushing him away. I know that I am, I can feel that I am. I feel so hurt that I don't want to be hurt anymore so my guard is up. My mom and I were so close and she was such a special lady. She always missed me when I was away at college and I missed her and looked forward to when I could live near home to spend more time with her. Life is too short and you can never anticipate what is coming next. I'm sorry I had to learn this the hard way.

[dayzed and confused]

I am truly sorry for the pain and loss you are feeling right now.  You are so young to have to deal with the death of your mother.  It can be very hard to be around people and be "normal" when you feel so empty and sad and lonely.  

 

I'm so glad you are finishing your degree - it is the best thing for you and your future.  As difficult as it is, it gives you purpose. Purpose to get up and get out there.  I think I'd slip into severe depression if I didn't have my job to go to most days.  

 

I understand how you feel about the problems with your boyfriend.  I can only say that if he is a good person, he will let you feel and be however you need to until you can get back to balance. It will be a new balance, because this trauma changed you.  I know exactly what you mean, about pushing him away.  Its like you can't stand to feel any more pain, so if you push him away and he leaves, its like you chose it, rather than him giving up on you.  I get it. 

 

Try to give yourself enough alone time so that you can handle your own stresses, feel your own emotions and be okay with you.  If you stuff all your feelings inside, one day it will all come out in a wave of anger and you may not be able to control it.  Things said in anger cannot be taken back - so its best if you deal with your feelings, know that what you are going through is normal. You are not being selfish by taking care of yourself. 

 

Drink lots of water, take your vitamins, and try to get enough sleep. 

 

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers,

Tina

[Trish91]

Good day emuhlee233 and Tina,

 

I'm so sorry for your losses! Each of your stories is unique, and I've read them both with so much interest. Tina, you are such a brave person, and so giving and selfless. You did so much for your mom, who suffered incredibly (nobody deserves that, and nobody is perfect), but you were so loving and dedicated, in spite of not having had an easy life yourself. You work, you have your kids, you are facing this really terribly and life altering loss, and yet, you have gotten on with your life and  still manage come here to give others some comfort. I really admire you and respect you, even though I don't know you in person.

emuhlee233,  it is indeed extremely hard to lose a parent, particularly the one who we identify the most  with and feel closest to. My mom was my person, she was my best friend and my go to parent. I love my dad, who is still alive, and I also respect him very much, but he's useless at giving the nurturing and emotional support that I need, as a woman and the little child who still lives within me, and who has awaken even more so after my mom's tragic passing.

 

I am older than you, in my thirties, but like you, I have got no friends or cousins who have lost a parent, even though some of my closest friends are in their 40s. Like you, I feel that everybody in my family has taken my mom's death differently. My brother is a very introverted person, and I doubt he really expresses his feelings to his wife or kids, which is why I was really surprised when he called me last weekend who say how devastated he was at his youngest child turning 1 year old and our mom not being there to enjoy it, while his mother in law, who is 68, one year older than our mom, had that opportunity.  He's hurting as much as I am, and even more so, as he has always had a difficult personality and thus clashed with both my mom and dad, while I always had a very good relationship with both, and above all, with my mom, who like yours, was an incredible lady, a truly special person!

 

My mom passed away from lung cancer a little over six months ago, and it all seems like a blur. I really don't know how I have managed to survive without her all this time, when we spoke for two hours pretty much every day. I organized everything, her home, her belongings, her estate, in record time, with support from my dad, of course, and the rest of my family, but I mainly did it all myself, while grieving, and then came back to where I live, to my husband, and a new job, even though I am so broken inside, even though I feel like crying out of the blue, and even though I cannot believe that my mom is gone, at least in the physical sense, as I do believe that she's in a different dimension, in a much better place, free from all pain and suffering, waiting for me until my time comes.

 

Anyhow, I can imagine the shock of being back at college and trying to get on with your degree and your life, and I think you need to let it out whenever you need to, and talk about it with that close friend and your boyfriend. Grief really scares those who haven't experienced it, and society teaches people to get on with it, even though every grieving person should be given time to process the loss a bit before going back into the cruel world. Everybody will lose their parents, if they don't die first, at some point, but society prefers to pretend that it will not be their case, as if by ignoring reality it will never affect us. I guess I was a bit like that before I lost my mom. As somebody wrote here, you cannot write about grief, you can only feel it.

 

Anyhow, use any counseling services made available to you by your school and seek support groups in your area, if you need to let it out with people outside your close circle. I should be doing the same, but the only energy that I have got to really process my loss goes to reading books and this website on a regular basis, and occasionally posting here. I also pray a lot and talk to my mom that way too. I know it sounds weird, as I am not religious in the orthodox sense. I never got to church or follow a particular religion as such, but I do believe in a greater Entity and in the spiritual world, and that is the only thing that really brings me comfort.

 

I should be going to a counselor or a support group myself, I know that I should, I have become so skeptical of human nature and medical professionals after what happened to my mom and some terrible experiences at work last year, that I sort of lost motivation to help myself. I hope this changes in time, but for now, I live one day at the time and keeping busy is my only therapy.

 

My husband has been great as well. He's got both of his parents, who are in great health, but he's been truly loving and supportive. I think that if I didn't have him, I would not want to be alive. I lost part of my soul and being when my mom left this world, and I couldn't take any further pain.

 

I wish you comfort  in your grief journey, and the ability to express yourself and let your sadness out. Best of luck with the year ahead, and apologies for the very long email, I obviously feel like writing today!!!!

 

Warm regards,

 

Trish

[dayzed and confused]

Dear Trish,

 

Thank you so much for your kind words.  You brought a tear to my eye, and I sincerely appreciate your taking the time to mention me. 

 

I am so very sorry for the loss of your mother. It sounds like she was a very special person in your life, and you must miss her very, very much.  I wish our family talked more about their grief - because I feel the same as you.  It would be nice if we could share how we are feeling and be there for each other as we all heal.  It doesn't seem to work like that in my family. I guess it hits everyone differently - and they either keep it inside until that moment the painful reality hits them.  Sounds like that moment, for your brother was his child's first birthday. I'm glad he shared that sadness with you.  It somehow helps, I think.  

 

Heartlight taught me to be gentle to myself and to not judge myself for any of my feelings, and I think that is what helped me take the second and third steps. 

 

It sounds like you are finding your own way to get through this, and as long as you get through it.  I totally get your mistrust of the medical profession.  I think, for me - I have been looking for any source of comfort, because this is the first time in my life I am at a loss as to how to make myself feel better. 

 

You are strong, as well - look at all that you handled, in that terrifying, sad time of immediate grief, for your mother's estate.  Being a wife is not an easy thing either, and I hope that your husband is there for you when you need him.  Sometimes that can be very hard for them.  

 

Good luck with the new job, you will do well, I can tell.  I have my moments here where I need to step outside and get it all together again, because even though our/your life has been changed forever,  people/society do expect us to handle it and move on.  

 

Keep doing whatever you need to feel good, and reading books and posting on here are good ideas.  I feel better posting on here, and I can go back and see from where I started to where I am each day.  It helps me, because I think I need to see progression in myself, so I can feel like I am approaching the "new normal."  I may get some books too  

 

Hang in there, and be well.  Keeping you in my prayers and thoughts too.

 

Tina