It's long but I promise it's worth it. (New to the group)

[KattFernandez]

Hi all!

 

So, my name is Katt, I am 23 years old and I am brand new to the group. I thought I would start with a little intro about myself and why I am here. I lost my dad two and a half years ago after he underwent heart surgery. Although surgery went well, he suffered a brain stem stroke during recover and passed away a few days later. I can honestly say there were so many emotions going through me and...at the same time...none at all. Now, I am usually the go to girl among my group of friends. I am known to have all the answers... the best advice. But in that moment, I had nothing. At the same time, I didn't expect anyone else to have anything because in my mind, could ANYTHING make it better?

As I have read in many of your posts, the days to follow were tough. There were moments when I would reach for the phone because I wanted to call him just to realize he wasn't there. The pain was so much that I could literally feel my chest tightening, hurting. But due to other issues, mourning had to be put aside--there was family drama, we needed to put together the arrangements, I had to deal with school. It was so much to take on all at once and in that moment, I didn't have him to count on. I even had moments of panic where I realized I had a whole year ahead of me of birthdays, events, celebrations he would not get to be a part of (He passed away January 31). This was all especially tough for me because I come from divorced parents and when my parents separated, I lived with my father until I turned 18. 

Now, I don't want to spend all the time talking about the heartache because I think it's also important to give light to the good things. and yes...believe it or not, there are good things. There is always good with the bad, whether we see it or not. And that's why I'm really writing today; because I hope that each and every one of you sees the light at the end of the tunnel. It may take time, but it does get easier. At that moment, when the wound was still fresh, I was blessed to have the support of my whole family. I have a loving mother who stood by me. My older sister (half sister from my moms side) who went above and beyond... I will never forget the second day after it all happened, I sat in her bed after taking a shower with my hair as wet as my eyes and the brush in my hand blankly staring at the wall. She took the brush from me and started combing my hair. It was the simplest of gestures but, to this day, it means SO much to me. I also had a wonderful boyfriend at the time who was the first one to rush to my side after my dad passed away in the hospital (I should mention my dad passed away in the morning and since I had stayed overnight in the hospital, I was the only one there) And my friends who all stuck by me through it all. 

In hindsight, what this really showed me is that in those moments of need, it's when you realize the people that matter the most. You can truly see who is there for you through thick and thin. And for that, I am grateful. 

Now, for many of you, the wounds may be fresh right this moment and it may be hard to recognize all these things...all these people. If I can give you any word of advice, it's to notice them! don't shut out the people who are there for you and who are trying to help. On that note, like I said in the beginning, nothing they say or do may necessarily help, but more that what they do, it's the fact that they are trying! And for those of you who feel like they have no one? Find that support, find people who care, find people who WILL be there for you through thick and thin. And if you ask me, this is THE place to start so you're off to a good start!!

The other thing I remember clearly is my dad's service--Again, through all of this I was numb. As if it were a movie, the world was going fast and I was at a stand still.--I remember my aunt saying to me "this is the way your father would have wanted to go, with his WHOLE family and ALL his friends, pretty women and food all in one room." In that moment, I looked around and I noticed my brothers and sisters who had traveled for the funeral, my aunt and uncle, almost all of my dad's friends and even acquaintances and...just for a split second, I felt happy. Because if my dad had to leave me, this really was the way he would have wanted it to be. 

The year passed and I won't say it was easy, because I'm not here to lie. But, my chest doesn't hurt anymore. I hold such a wonderful memory of all the love and time I spent with him and it makes me smile...it makes me happy. I don't know how, if at all, religious/spiritual you all are but faith is something that also helped me thought these times. I feel that my dad and still have a connection because although he's not here right now, he's my guardian angel. I have also realized that although I am left here in this world to mourn his loss, he is in a better place (wherever that is) where he is not hurting, where he is not in a vegetative state due to his stroke. So, for his sake, I would take that pain any day. I would rather it be me suffering his loss than him suffering because of the stroke or from his heart surgery.

I think the final thought I will say is that it's about taking it one step at a time. As I said in the beginning, the moment my dad passed away, all the "answers" I had went out the window and like a little kid learning how to walk, I had to start from the beginning. There will be many things that my dad will miss/has missed. He missed my undergrad graduation, he missed my 21st birthday (and he'll miss all the ones i'll ever have), he will miss my Master's graduation, he won't be there when I get married or even be able to meet his grandchildren. I miss his voice and the silly things he use to talk to me about. I regret all the times we fought, all the times I didn't give him a hug and a kiss, and all the times I ever took him for granted. But through it all I have learned to let go of the things I cannot control and to take each moment as it comes. Every time any event comes up, such as father's day or my graduation, I embrace whatever feeling comes my way. I cry when I need to, I'm angry when I feel angry, and I don't punish myself for laughing and enjoying the moment because I know that's what we would both be doing if he were still here. So I encourage you all to embrace all those feelings that come your way. Be angry, be sad, be happy, be ALL of them at the same time if you want to! just don't bottle them up. Be strong, and focus in on the light at the end of the tunnel because, as small as it may look right now, it's there and it'll get bigger and brighter as time passes. 

 

I know this is a long post and I hope some of you will read this and I hope many of you will find it useful because to me, this is my therapy; helping you all through my experiences....that's how I get through. 

 

Now, I'm tried of talking! I wanna know...

what helps you all cope?

what are some of the resources you all have in your life?

What advice would you give/have you given others in this situation?

any advice for me???

 

Thank you all for being a part of this group! Knowing there is support out there is very humbling and great <3

-Katt

[ModKonnie]

Katt, 

I am sorry about the loss of your father. You have accurately painted a picture of exactly what I felt when my father died. I found out who truly cared and who was important in my life. I will not forget the numbness with the weird out-of-body sensations all at the same time. I felt as though I was in some strange movie. My advice to others--talk about your feelings and your loss. Cry, rant, rage, sleep, talk and do it all over again. Just feel and do as you need to in order to process and move forward. It is okay to feel everything or nothing. Grieving is individual and there is no time limit or set list of instructions for getting through. Feel what you feel and that's okay. 

 

ModKonnie