Losing a brother. Sad and confused

[Shay]

It's been exactly 7 months since I lost my big brother.

I remember being at work and answering the phone. It was my sister on the other end telling me to hurry home, my brother was on life support.

All I could do was scream and cry. I didn't know how to feel or what to think. We rushed to the hospital to see him lying restlessly on the hospital bed with a gunshot wound to the neck. We knew right then that we lost him.

He passed away at the age of 23. Although it happened months ago, it still feels as if it happened just yesterday. The tears seem to stay. The memories seems to stay on my mind. It's almost as if I don't know how to cope with it.

Do I carry on? Do I hold back the tears? Do I constantly talk about it? Do I keep my feelings to myself? Do I celebrate his life? Is it okay to smile every once in awhile? Do I lock myself away from the world?

My heart is torn into pieces and I just don't know what to do or who to go to. I'm sad, hurt, angry, confused, alone...I feel every emotion I could possibly feel and it hurts!! I'm slowly falling apart.

Why did he have to leave home? Why did he have to attempt robbery? What happen to my innocent brother who was so fun and loving? What changed him? Why did he have to turn his life around for the worst? Why? He had so much life to live!!!

I miss him so much...soooooo much!!! I just with I had more time with him. I just with I could see that smile one more time. I just with heaven had visiting hours. I love you Brother

[Heartlight]

I'm so sorry about your brother, shayia

 

It can take a very long time to go through all the questions that come with a sudden shock like this so please be gentle with yourself that you're still experiencing it so profoundly.  Even after almost 7 years for my sister, my tears still haven't gone away.  They have changed and they are not as often, but I cried every day I lost my sister for the first year and a half.

 

It is a shock, it is something that rips our being, and we need to give ourselves time, as much time as it takes, to find a balance in this new world.

 

Do you carry on?  Yes.  How is something that each of us has to learn how to do ourselves and that comes just by trial and error.

 

Do you hold back the tears?  Do you constantantly talk about it?  Do you keep your feelings to yourself?  This is all a part of the mourning process... you sometimes may feel like holding back your tears, and sometimes let them flow.  You sometimes may feel like you need to talk about it so find people who are willing to let you talk about it as much or as little as you want.  You sometimes will want to allow your feelings, no matter what they are, to be on the surface and acknowledged, and that is part of the grief process... learning how to acknowledge our own feelings and allowing them without judgement.

 

Do you celebrate his life?  Yes.  When you can start doing that is different for each person.  It took me a long time before I could feel love for my sister without excruciating pain.  But yes, eventually you do start appreciating all that they were in this life.

 

Is it ok to smile?  Yes.  And it is natural.  The respite we feel from our pain is just as important as the acknowledging of our pain, itself.

 

Do you lock yourself away?  No.  But maybe at times.  But then no again.  But then maybe for a little while again.

 

It is like we are torn to pieces because that's what happens.  There is a piece of us that is ripped away and the only thing we can do about it is not judge our feelings or our thoughts or our questions and gently let ourselves be bereaved.

 

As you allow, you will learn more about what you need so that you can feel something other than this horrible, awful pain.  Many people search for answers, many people search for meaning.  You will learn what questions may have answers, which don't, and how to settle your confused mind and start to love him without pain again.  This all takes time though so please be patient with yourself during this beginning time.

 

<3