missing him

[narielle]

ive never done anything like this. i am 22 and lost my father 4 years ago and i dont know where to turn anymore. im a new mom and the pain is too great to fake that its not there anymore. writing this i cry because i want so badly to just get over it. my dad was my world. he was my best friend. and i just want to hug him. i want him to kiss my forhead and tell me it will all be ok. i look at my daughter and just cry because i was his little girl. ive gotten detatched from her because i just think of him when i play with her and get sad within minutes. i dont even know if im doing this right but i dont care i need help because ill be damned if my daughter has a parent who is physically here but emotionally and mentally absent. i hate that i miss him this much, like i said i just dont know what to do anymore. any sugesstions are appreciated.

[ModKonnie]

Narielle,

I am very sorry about the loss of your father. It is absolutely life changing to lose a parent, and there are so many people here who have experienced this profound loss.  How new of a mom are you? I lost my father almost five years ago. I realize how deeply painful the loss is.  Have you considered professional help for your grief? I am no pro at this, but it sounds as though you need some help in dealing with all of your emotions surrounding your loss and your new daughter. Do you have others to talk to? How is your relationship with your mother? I am glad you came here. We will be here for you.

ModKonnie

[BaileyB]

My heart goes out to you.

Again, I'm no expert, but I would really suggest that you should find a counsellor who can help you deal with all these feelings. Your child deserves that, and you father would really want that for both you and his grandchild. The feelings are bittersweet, but I truly believe that you can find a way to remember and honor your father... And be a good parent for your little one. There are times I am very sad that my mom does not get to see her grandchildren grow, but I find comfort in knowing that I can be that link... Share with them the things she taught me and tell them about her so that they know her, even though she is not with us anymore.

I wish you all the best!

[Heartlight]

Welcome dear narielle, with your new little baby

 

(and warm wishes to ModKonnie and BaileyB)

 

I'm so sorry that this has been so hard for you   As the others have said, we understand that it is a profound loss, and I would like to add, especially because you have to experience it at such a young age, at an age when we're barely ready to be out on our own let alone without the person who raised us

 

Did you have someone you could talk to when it first happened?  You mentioned that you can't fake it anymore, which makes me wonder whether you've been able to really mourn the loss of your dad in the last four years?  The pain and craziness of grief are absolutely natural and, most often, force the grief process on us.  But if we supress our own emotions, because we don't feel safe to express them or we're too busy or combination of those and other things, then we don't get the opportunity to gently love ourselves through the pain of our loss.  And it's this allowing of our own feelings which helps create a movement forward that slowly helps us understand how to live in this new world without our loved one.

 

I agree with both ModKonnie and BaileyB that if you have the opportunity for counselling, that it would be very helpful for you.  Having someone you feel safe with that will listen to you and help you understand and not be afraid of these deep feelings will be very helpful, I think.  Also, a counsellor will be able to listen to what you can't hear yourself as he or she listens to you and will be able to reflect back to you what the important parts of your process are.

 

Please don't judge yourself that you are in this state right now.  It is so very natural and being hard on yourself isn't necessary.  I know you want the pain to change (in lieu of having our loved ones back   ) and just coming here and helping yourself is a step in the right direction and, at the very least, if you're coming down on yourself, please add the fact that you are reaching out, you are doing what you can.  It's important that you acknowledge that to yourself because it will help you reach out again.

 

It's a mixed up crazy time, and can be even years later.  It's ok to still be in this much pain, I still have deep pain for my sister and she's been gone now coming up on 7 years.  But there is a way to soften it, to understand it, to allow a space in your heart for more love than pain and, as BaileyB says, finally come to a place of honoring; where you can hold joy in your heart when you look at your daughter and, on your father's behalf, you can kiss her forehead and tell her it will be ok and carry on a legacy that your father has given to you.

 

<3

[narielle]

thank you so much ladies for the encouraging words and support!! reading your replies just made me feel as if my dad sent you all to me because he made be believe in good people and when he passed i just hated that the most amazing person in my life was taken away and lost faith in anything good. i now after years of struggling in our relationship have a wonderful relationship with my mom. she lives a little over an hour away but she just spent the night last night and watched my daughter who is almost 7 months so i could go to a meeting last night because i turned to drugs and alcohol when my dad passed and its been a struggle ever since but i am doing really good in my recovery now. and i absolutely agree that i havent been able to properly mourn him because im just scared to feel that much pain. its like a combination of im scared and i dont want to.. but i know i have to. its just gotten to a place where i am scared if i dont get through this and just allow myself to grieve i will not only put my well being at risk but my daughters too. sometimes when i look at her i just wanna scream to my dad you should be here im so mad at you how could you not be here!! because its easier for me to be mad at him than to feel sad that hes gone. i have some people i can talk to but i was in therapy before and it did help. its just whenever i open up and start to feel that pain i just shut it off because i feel paralyzed by the pain. my head goes from i hate him to i miss him to i hate him and etc. i want to just allow myself to feel what i need to feel to move forward for me and for my family. i can hardly bring myself to do fun things with my daughter (Grace) because i just think of when i was little how my dad would do anything for me to be happy and have fun and its making me so mad! i cant thank you enough for the support you have already given me. when you lose someone you love and dont allow yourself to grieve you just feel so alone.. well at least i do. and i hate feeling that im alone in a crowd of people ive been feeling it for so long now i want it to stop  im so grateful this is here for me to vent and get support!!

[Heartlight]

Hi narielle,

 

That is a beautiful picture of you and Grace

 

I'm glad you are feeling like there is hope.  That's really all any of us can ask for.  Loss is the biggest, hardest, scariest, most rip-us-apart thing we ever have to experience so being angry is natural, being afraid to feel the depth of our feelings is natural, turning to drugs or alcohol or some other escape is natural.  Do you have a sponsor through your meetings?  She might be able to be there for you, also.  Or maybe, someday when you're ready, you would feel like sharing at a meeting.

 

Whatever you do though, don't berate yourself for being afraid of the pain.  Gently love and comfort that fear too because it's real and true, as much as the pain itself is.  Give yourself as much understanding as you can and you will be able to learn how is best for you to mourn.

 

Sweet baby

 

<3

[Ruby]

I just signed on the forum today and yours was the first post I read.  I want to share something that was shared with me when my Dad was dying of stomach cancer.  Just before my dad died, I was introduced to two people.  A couple Bill and Tammy... a husband and wife that had both lost their dads within a year of each other, and about a year before my own Dad passed.  So their sorrow was fresh.    Bill and Tammy ( both in their 30's at the time ) had a chance to grow close to my dad, because my dad and Bill worked together in a building project for a couple of years. These two people were there to walk with me through the most difficult journey of my life.  

 

Bill told me something I will never forget.  

 

"The pain will one day go... but the sadness will remain."  

 

My dad has been gone for 6 years now and I can understand Bill's words now.  The first year was very painful for me.  I was single still and I had lost the main man in my life.  Everything hurt.  The pain was sharp.  The years after, the pain eased, but there was a continuous sorrow that has not left.  

 

Some people are just irreplaceable.  Just know that the pain will go.. but the sadness will remain.  And that is part of this journey.