First Post Ever- Coping with my Dad Dying

[wonderful2night]

My name is Ashley and I am very new to posting... In fact this is my first time ever posting in a forum of any kind.

 

I lost my Dad very unexpectedly on December 20, 2013. He had a massive heart attack. I found out as I was leaving ti chi on that Friday morning. It was devastating and really the most heart breaking and terrifying experience of my life.

 

The thing is no one ever knew he was sick. Looking back there were signs that he should have gone to a heart doctor, but no one recognized it. I feel so guilty about not recognizing that he was sick. I'm working on a second degree and hoping to get into medical school soon- I feel like I should have recognized the symptoms that indicated his heart needed to be checked. 

 

I am and have always been a real daddy's girl. I'm almost 30 but I'm still close with my dad (even though he's not technically here). I have always felt like my dad really understood me and accept me for who I am and never passed any judgment on me. My dad was not perfect, but I loved him any ways. 

 

I do not feel like I have many people in my life who understand what it is like to loose a parent so suddenly. Or I feel like I make people uncomfortable when I talk about this loss because people see me as strong. I have needed to talk to someone and tell them I'm not sure how strong I am. I feel sad, I feel hurt, and I feel guilty. I'm not sure how well I'm processing my Dad's death because I forget or it passes out of my head that he is not here. I blow it off as though I've been so busy with home and school that I haven't called him. I'll admit do still text him even though I know I won't get a response. I miss my Daddy so much and I'd love just to hear his voice, feel his arm or to smell him one more time. My heart breaks every time I think that he'll never see me become a doctor, he'll never see my siblings children, we'll never get to dance our dance when I get married. The only thing that keeps me going right now is that I push these thoughts out of my head for the most part but I fear that all these feelings and all these thoughts will come crashing down on me some day. 

 

I just needed to share this with some one at this point. Please forgive the stream of consciousness typing. I appreciate a place where I can feel like I'm talking to someone and get all these thoughts and feelings out of my headed. 

 

Thank you to whoever listens and whoever created this place to type. I think I needed this release. 

 

-Ashley

[cindyjane]

Hi Wonderful2night

 

I am so sorry about the loss of your dad.  It sounds like you had a great relationship with your dad and that is such a blessing. 

 

I went through the guilt thing over my mom's passing 9 months ago.  I thought I could have done more to help her when she was sick in those last weeks ... then I went back in time and thought about the grief I gave her growing up (crazy teenage things) ... felt that I didn't tell her that I loved her enough throughout the years ... and on and on.  The truth is, my mom knew how much I loved her just as I knew how much she loved me and that is the most important truth in my life which brings me great comfort over this huge loss.

 

As far as talking to other people about our loss and not feeling like they understand, I don't think anyone really understands until they lose a parent.  I think about myself before my mom passed on.  When someone talked to me about losing a parent, I would quickly give them a hug and express my condolences and felt very sad for them but I honestly didn't know the depth of their pain until I lost my mom. 

 

It took me awhile but I am finally in a place right now where I know in my heart that there is more to life, than this life here.  I believe that one day we are all going to be reunited with our loved ones and in the mean time that is why we've been blessed with memories and those I hold close.  They will get me through until I see my mom again. 

 

Thanks for sharing

take care

Cindy

[BaileyB]

Dear Ashley,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. The picture you posted is very nice - hold on to your photos and memories because they will bring comfort.

I think your experience is very much to be expected. I truly believe that the mind can only process so much and the fact that you are forgetting that he has passed is just your mind trying to protect you. You will deal with things in stages, as you are ready... Little bit more at a time, as you can. Just be patient with yourself. You have suffered a terrible loss and it is not easy to process.

And, I also do not think it is possible for others to understand unless they have lost a loved one. And even then, everyone grieves so differently, it is hard to find someone who really understands. I do know that through my loss, I am more compassionate with others who have lost a loved one than I ever have been in the past. I also know that I too feel very alone with my grief... As my relationship was individual, my grief is my own too. But, it helps to talk with others who know your loved one... To remember, to tell them how you feel. And, if you can't do that... Find a priest or counsellor who will listen. Or journal. The important thing is to talk. I really believe that is the best way to process the experience. I wish you comfort in your journey...

[psteele]

Ashely,

 

Our stories are so similar, that I literally gasped when I read it. I lost my dad on 12/20/2013, after he went into V fib on 12/14, caused by Kidney Failure. Dad had been sick for a long time, but none of us knew he was THAT sick.  I was sitting and talking to him when it happened and of course, his death was nearly instantaneous. The paramedics revived him and he lived for seven days on advanced life support when we made the decision, as a family, to withdraw support and make him comfortable.

 

I am also a daddy's girl. We fished together, hunted together, listened to talk radio together, gardened together. I connected with my dad. He is still "my person". After 33 years on this planet with his support and guidance, the last six months have felt like an exile. I don't laugh, I don't savor, I don't experience, I just exist. Auto pilot. Every day.

 

I am also in graduate school-- law school, just coming up on my graduation on 12/20/2014. I am devastated that he won't be there to see me move forward in my life. He was hospitalized many times during the last year of his life, and when I came to the hospital  he always said, "You should be in school". It was his wish, and mine, that he could be there to see me graduate.

 

If it gives you any comfort, it's not easy for me, either. But, somehow, our parents got through the grief and loss of their own parents and we will, too.

 

Anyway, I hope it is helpful to know that you are not alone here in your grief.

 

Patti

[Charlee23]

I am so so sorry for your loss it's so hard to know what to say but I understand the guilt. I'm 18 and my Dad (who was also my best friend) died in February 2014, he was suffering from clinical depression but no one noticed he acted so happy and normal we didn't have a clue, he took his own life and I felt so much guilt about not realising and not helping.

But I've now come to notice that we cannot blame ourselves and that they would not want us to.. People cope with death in different ways and I'm afraid guilt is a common way of rationalising it, however you should most defiantly not feel guilty.. Your Father was and is so proud of you..

I hope this comforted you in some way... Good luck with your life journey remember he will always be guiding you through the dark <3